When Irish Eyes Are Smilin’

Rose and Jack at one of the Irish Pubs they visited.

Today was one of my mom's favorite days of the year!  Although she herself was not Irish by blood, she was Irish by choice because she was a Hogan by marriage.  My dad always told me not to wear green on St. Patrick's Day because I have the red hair to prove I am Irish and the name behind me to prove it too.  I can imagine there is a big party in Heaven right now and my parents are traveling through Ireland again, as they did years ago in these pictures!

My dad at a Peat Farm.

My parents loved their visit to Ireland.  My dad frequented every pub he could find, while my mom shopped her way around the island.  My mom was proud of herself for finding slot machines in one town, the name I don't remember now.  They intended to return, but my dad got sick and later passed away from cancer.  My mom wanted me to join her on a trip to Ireland.  I am sad that I never took her up on the offer. That is one regret I do have.

The pictures are blurry but still show my mom's smile and my dad's love of his pubs.  Although you can't see the red hair around the back of his head, he was a red head for sure! 

My mom brought me home a few Waterford Crystal items that I now cherish.  She also brought home Connemara Marble rosaries.  I debated on burying them with her but in the end I decided to keep them. When she got back to the US, she started shopping for anything she could find that was true to Ireland. We could find her every St. Patrick's Day with QVC on 24/7 so she could shop for anything Irish on March 17th.  She found an Irish gift shop in Scranton where she would later buy numerous little Irish cottages to set up a village in her picture window. 

Today, as I drink a Guinness and eat my stew I will raise my glass to you mom.....Slainte!....knowing you no longer suffer from the horrible disease of Alzheimer's, I am ok.

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These Things I Know (and it ain't cabbage salad)!

Two weeks ago today as I prepared to say my finally goodbye to my mom, I began reflecting on this journey I began as an Alzheimer's daughter. I truly believed then and I believe now, my mom joined my dad early in the morning on February 1st.  She was with us only in spirit on that February 5th day, as we bid her farewell and brought her to her final resting place next to my dad and my big brother.  As a teacher by profession, we are taught the importance of on going reflection.  For the past several days, I have been reflecting on the past few weeks, as well as, the past years when I made the decision to stand by my vow to my dad to always take care of my mom.

When I started this blog, it was to supply myself with a place to write down my feelings, reflect on my actions, try to live without regrets and remember all things about my mom so that memories can be passed down to my family.  Looking back I have learned so much more about my mom and myself than I ever knew before. Someone asked me if I would continue writing now that my mother had passed and I wasn't sure.  However, I still have so many memories to share and so many things to say.  I believe I will.

Try as I might, I still have a few regrets, not many but I do find now through reflection I do have some.  I regret not being able to tell my mom earlier all of the things I told her during her last week here on earth with me  Why did I not say the words to her before then?  I told her how much I loved her and how much I was blessed to have had her for my mom, but she was not able to respond to me.  I know she was listening and I can only pray she knew what I was saying.  However, I regret not saying those things sooner. I do regret not hugging my mom more, but she was not the 'huggy' type. After finding out about her early childhood years, I believe I am aware of why and I will always respect that about her.  She showed me love in many other ways.

Many people would say at this time that they regret that they didn't visit more or they should have done things differently.  I am pretty sure I did the best I could.  I am pretty sure I tried really hard to balance being a good daughter to my mom along with being a good wife, mom, grandmother and teacher. There is a difference between regrets and missing times that have happened in the past. I miss many things about the many years that we had before Alzheimer's and I wish that the terrible disease never arrived to rob my mom of being the best great grandma ever. However, I don't regret my choices in her care.  In hindsight, it is easy to say what I should have done, but I am not so sure I could have done anything differently.

When I was concerned if I should stay by my mom's side throughout the rest of her days, my mom's most amazing hospice caregiver told me that my mom would pass when she was ready and if she wanted me there then it would happen with me by her side.  If she didn't want me there, then it would happen when I was not there. Each time I left her on those few days, I told her I loved her and all the things I never said before. Then I told her if she wanted to see me the next day, I would be back.  However, if she was ready to go be with my dad and brother, then it was ok. I believe those words that Erin told me, also instilled no regrets within me.  I truly believe that. I will be forever grateful to her for loving my mom and for helping me through those last days.

What I do regret is that I didn't appreciate my mom like I should have when it came to all of the wonderful things she did for all of the people she knew.  For example, I am now realizing I should have appreciated all of the amazing recipes she stored in her head.  I can only locate a few actual recipe cards of things that were her.  She had a recipe box filled with recipes from other people, but the recipes she made for us have for the most part passed with her. (Well, except for the cookie recipe that my dog literally ate one day.)

I tried to make her 'Pigs in a Blanket' yesterday.  I think I may be close to how she did it based on my memory.  I know I need to tweak it a bit but I may be close.  I am trying to track down someone that might know how she made her cabbage salad.  That is one that I cannot figure out yet, but I will. I contacted her cousin and I think I at least know where she learned to make it.  My favorite meal she made for me on my birthday was always meatloaf, scalloped potatoes, and tomato bread pudding. The tomato dish she created to use up stale bread by mixing it with her home canned tomatos and baking it with the meatloaf and potatos. I hope to figure them all out too.  I don't know why I never asked her to tell me or show me how to make them myself.  I guess I always thought there would be time or that she would always be here to do it for me.

Well after much reflection, I guess if my biggest regrets have to do with food, then I did an ok job. My mom used to tell everyone that she was going to spend all her money on whatever she wanted and then it would be up to me to figure everything out for her.  I guess I did that.  As I reflect now, I think I did a darn good job.  Right now I will go make a grocery list and see if I can buy some things to try and replicate some of those lost recipes then write them down for future generations!

Still Taking Care of Her Baby Girl

With a heavy heart, I need to share that on Saturday, February 1, 2020, after a few days of drastic decline and my blessing, my mom joined my dad in Heaven.  During these past two months I noticed more and more that my mom was tiring more frequently. It was increasingly difficult to find an oppurtune time to visit with her when she was fully awake.  Although she was still happy and smiling, she began to find food difficult to eat and her bed seemed to bring her more happiness that sitting in the activity room.  A rapid decline of 9 pounds during a four week period, led to her appearing so fragile that I just knew she was starting a journey to meet up with my dad and her baby boy.  Many people do not know that my mom had a baby boy before I was born.  He was born in May of 1960 but sadly died in my mom's arms in December of the same year.  My mom told me all about my  brother, Johnny, named after my father.  She told me all about how scared she was that I was going to die too, as she was pregnant with me when Johnny went to Heaven.  I was later born in April of 1961 without any health issues like my brother.

Losing a parent is never easy, but having a parent suffer with Alzheimer's for a long time makes the goodbye seem to last forever.  Someone told me that having someone with Alzheimer's in your life is like living with a long, long goodbye.  It is like grieving over every little decline.  While this was very true and I spent many car rides home crying until turning onto my road, the feeling at the end was just a new as if my mom didn't have Alzheimer's and just passed in her sleep.  It was, and is, still shocking to me.  I want more time with my mom.  I want more visits even if she can't talk to me or doesn't recognize me, 'her Cindy'.  Her passing was so quick that she didn't suffer for very long at all and was a blessing. However, it was so fast, I didn't have time to truly prepare myself.  

My mom was born in Scranton, PA and moved to live with her Aunt and Uncle in Tunkhannock, PA, when she was 12.  She didn't have a loving wonderful childhood between the ages of 9 and 12 because her mom died and she was left taking care of her two little brothers and her father, whom she never wanted to talk about with me. She would only tell me he was not a good man.  After highschool or during highschool, she met my dad. They married and settled into a large Inn in Lake Carey PA. I have vague memories of the house because we moved to Massachusetts when I was 6.  My mom was my biggest cheerleader and always made my birthday and all holidays special.  Once I grew up and got married, she made her grandchildren the center of her world and spoiled them too.  My mom would give you anything if she had it and you needed it. 

Through my grief last week, I didn't really realize it but my mom gave me one last gift that I will never forget. I told her how much I loved her and that it was ok for her to join my dad as he was holding her baby boy waiting for her.  I told her that I would always love her and that I just knew I would see her again.  I told her that I would be ok and that I have my husband, my children, and my grandchildren.  I kissed her forehead, gave her a hug, and then went home for the night.  I received the call at 4:25am the next morning that my mom passed in her sleep. While I struggled with the finality of it and thought about how my mom couldn't do things anymore with me, I didn't really think about she would give me a final gift.  

My mom is buried alongside my dad in PA. My husband and I made the trip down.  My oldest son flew down from his home in Vermont.  My other two children rented an SUV and took a nostalgic road trip. Our travels were different but we all stayed in the same hotel, on the same floor. We spent the first afternoon and evening together.  We went to dinner together at a local restaurant of my husband's choice.  We all squished in my husband's car. We then stayed up very late sharing stories and memories of my mom, their "Ma" as they called her.  We shared stories about our lives now and stories about when they were young.  They teased me about funny things they say I did or do and we had an enjoyable evening for as much as you can enjoy time the evening before your mom's funeral.  

The day of the funeral we met for breakfast and then met to drive to the funeral home.  The five of us went together in my son's rental car, with him driving.  They helped me get through one of the toughest days of life.  After the funeral we joined my mom's side of the family at "Cracker Barrel".  The food was good and the fellowship was even better.  We parted ways with extended family and returned to the hotel.  My cousins on my dad's side came over to our hotel and we talked for a long time.  They told my kids stories about me growing up (some I don't think are true!)  However, I will forgive them because they gave me the most beautiful bracelet with a cardinal on it that matches one they both have. 

After they left, we got back in the rental car and went to the casino together to honor my moem!  My mom loved casinos and slot machines.  She lived to play her slots! No matter what country she traveled to with my dad, she always searched out slot machines! We gave ourselves one hour to try our luck and then met up for supper again.  After a few drinks and some good food, we made our way back to the hotel.  Tired as we might be, we still met up again to 'hang out', have some snacks (I think only I ate the junk food) and some drinks before heading off to bed. Even though I missed my mom tremendously and I will forever...

I realized......my mom gave me the best last gift. Because of my mom, I got to spend time with my adult children.  The time we spent together was ours.  I love my grandchildren and I love my daughter in law and my daughter and other son's significant others, but this was like it was when my kids were little. Just the 5 of us.  Selfishly I enjoyed every second of having my children with me and my husband.  My mom gave me that gift by bringing us together.  Even though my mom joined my dad, she was still taking care of her baby girl by giving me the best gift ever!

Always a Planner I will Be!

I have always been a planner.  I think I get it from my mom.  My mom used to plan big dinners for her home party plan business, "Dutchmaid Fashions".  My mom used to plan dinners for the Templeton Fish and Game Club, where she would also be in charge of cooking all of the food.  My mom used to have big holiday dinners and parties at home, too.  When my son and I were cleaning out her house, I discovered notebooks with lists and plans for holidays. Some of the lists went way back to when I was very little. Christmas lists of presents, birthday party lists, the list (ha ha) goes on and on.  While it was fun to read through them, it never resonated with me until today.

I recently began a 6 week course of action prompted by a teaching professional to help me become better organized at school so I can enjoy my personal life without the stress of worrying about being prepared for teaching.  Week 2 was about lists and how to make better use of to do lists, etc.  As I sat down today to organize the new materials I purchased to house my notes, I recognized the similarites between me and my mom! After all, we are still not a month since Christmas and I have Easter lists in my brain.  I also have Valentine's that I plan to purchase for the littles in my life.  I have already begun to tentatively plan a list for summer projects.  I guess I have my mom to thank for this afterall.  

Twenty years ago I was planning a cruise for my husband's family where we celebrated my in-law's 50th Anniversary, my father in law was 70, my mom 60, my sister in law was 50.  Today my daughter and I are planning a 90th birthday party for my father in law and in my mind I am thinking about what I would have done for my mom's 80th birthday had she not gotten Alzheimer's. 

There are many moments in many days that I miss my mom and many times I cry on my way home from visiting her.  However, being able to discover how we connect to each other can put a smile on my face. I am honored to know that I got my 'planning' gene from my mom.  I hope I make her proud by being able to carry on, what I realize now, a trait that I never knew was so important until now.  

“Love You Forever”

I’ve written a thousand blog posts over the past few months in my mind, but I have yet to get them on paper. There have been a lot of changes in the past three months.  School started, my husband had shoulder surgery, and my mom continued a graceful decline.

After our son got married and summer's end loomed, I noticed my mom needed clothes in a smaller sizes.  I couldn't remember her ever wearing mediums for probably at least 25 years, but she was slowly shrinking. My mom deserved pretty, stain free, clothing , so I ordered her a whole new wardrobe. When I visit her, I love seeing her dressed in her new outfits.  My mom would be so happy to have new clothes because she was always buying herself new things.

Sometime last summer I wrote about how feeding her was a difficult change for me but, I have started feeling better about feeding her when I am there at meal time.  I have started feeling more comfortable just holding her hand while we sit together and I tell her all about the things going on in my life. For many reasons my mom was not a touchy, huggy, person.
   

As we end 2019, I’ve been witnessing a continued decline in her weight again.  Last week, as her wonderful hospice caregiver bathed and dressed her, I was witnessed first hand how tiny she is now. 25 years ago she and I would have been thrilled if either of us was able to wear smalls.  The first thing I did when I went home was order her a new wardrobe again, this time in size small. However, when the box arrived, it made me cry. It sits near the washer for me to wash and bring to the her. I asked her caregiver to just give me the word, and I will bring them and swap out the mediums for the smalls.

I have been thinking lately that she is so small and tiny now that I could probably pick her up and hold her like she used to pick me up and hold me. When I thought of it, I remembered a book my children had when they were little. How true the words in this book really are.  Instead of feeling sad though, right now I feel very lucky. I am lucky to be able to be here for my mom.  I will hold her hand, feed her her dinner, and I will stay strong enough to pick her up if she needs me.  Afterall, she is going to love me forever.  I am going to love her forever too!

They Call Her Ma!

Dave and Adrienne cutting their wedding cake!

On August 3, 2019, my oldest son married the love of his life. The wedding venue was perfect for them because they both love the outdoors.  Their 'first look' photos on top of a mountain were amazing.  Their ceremony took place at an arbor with a mountain in the background.  The reception was exceptional!  I can't say enough great things about the whole weekend.  What I can say is that it went by in a blink of an eye!  I vowed to take in every second and cherish every moment. I spent weeks trying to find the perfect Mother/Son dance song. I know it was a bit 'cheesy' for my son, but it meant something to me.  I also tried  really hard to etch everything in my memory, but it flew by and before I knew it we were packed and driving home. Thinking back a week a half now since the wedding, I know it will remain as one of the most wonderful memories of my lifetime. My new daughter-in-law said it was the happiest day of her life so far and that in itself sums it up perfectly.  The only thing that would have made it better for me would have been to have my mom there too to be part of her grandson's wedding weekend.  I  am sure Ma would have loved every second of it too.

My oldest son is my mom's first grandchild.  People say that no one has favorites when it comes to children, but often I wondered if my mom had an extra special place in her heart for her 'Buddy'. I am pretty sure my other two think so too.  My mom babysat Buddy when I finished college and when I got my first full time job.  At the time, my mom was a young grandmother.  People often mistook my mom for Buddy's mom instead of his grandmother!  Infact, my son started to call my mom 'Ma' because he always heard me call her Ma.  The name stuck and forever my mom is 'Ma' to my kids.  If they introduced her to a friend they would say she was their grandmother but they always called her Ma.

Waiting for the ceremony to start!

One time when Buddy was young, my mom and I took him to an amusement park near us.  My mom went to the concession stand to get us lunch and my son started crying and screaming that he wanted his Ma. Nothing peaks the curiosity of strangers as when a toddler in a stroller is screaming for his Ma and some other lady is wheeling him away!  Needless to say, we had to explain to many people that I was his mother and his Ma was his grandmother!

The name Ma stuck with our family and my parents became Ma and Pop. Two more grandchildren came along, Jess and Dan, and they too called my mom Ma. It helped to differentiate between my husband's parents, Grammy and Grampa too.

As will happen with every life, Buddy grew up, Ma called him Dave instead of Buddy, my mom grew older, life events took place. However Alzheimer's didn't take away the fact that when I sometimes tell my mom things about her Buddy, I am pretty sure I see sparkle in her eyes.  Yesterday I showed my mom the pictures from the wedding photographer. There were moments when I was pretty sure she smiled! I am not sure if she understands but if she does, I want to share these special times with her because I don't want her to miss them.  I would give anything for her to be with us during these events. I hope that she understands that.  I hope that she knows if we could have had her with us, she would have been there.  I can only hope, my mom knows that we all still love her!  I am pretty sure, she is very happy for her Buddy and his bride.  :-)

Every Moment Spent With My Mom is a Blessing!

Since my previous post a lot has happened in my little place in the world. First let me say though, my mom is ok, I am ok, we are all ok!

Sometime in July, my mom contracted a 'summer cold' and had a hard time kicking the virus. It was a pretty stressful time for me because I have never seen my mom look that sick before.  A cold to anyone else would not be a major thing to endure.  However, my mom was having a hard time coughing on her own to clear the junk a cold can sometimes create in your lungs.  Her color was gray to me and I was scared for the first time that she was not going to recover from this virus. I thought I had already been through the process of grieving for my mom as she used to be before this horrible disease. However my own emotions surprised me because I thought I was prepared for anything.  I couldn't sleep and I cried a lot off and on.  I am typically a very strong person when having to face any situation and found this to be a very unusual feeling. As my mom used to say when she was having a rough day, "I was a mess."  Well.....I was not just a mess, I was surly a hot mess!

At the time I was the most worried, I was suppose to be packing for our annual week vacation in York Beach, Maine.  I couldn't imagine leaving my mom to go for a week to the beach even though my children and grandchildren would be there.  Well, almost all of my children, because this year, my oldest son was getting ready to get married on August 3rd.  I wasn't only packing for a week vacation, but for the wedding as well, since we were leaving from Maine to go directly to the wedding weekend in NH.  I have this packing thing down to a science and usually have no problems at all, but every time I tried to pack, all I could imagine was my mom being sick and me not being there for her.  I kept envisioning that she was going to die while I was away. I kept thinking she would die alone and wondering where I was.

Eventually, all the packing happened. My mom did seem a bit better and I had contact numbers for her hospice aide.  David (being super supportive) took me out for breakfast on our drive to Maine and then we settled into our routine of stopping for Pigs Fly bread and groceries from Hannaford. Although we couldn’t get into our beach house until 3:00, we made it to York and tried to acclimate into vacation mode. Still my mind raced with worry about my mom, worry about everything going perfectly for the wedding, making sure my 89 year old father in law would be comfortable with us for a few days, and wondering if I would find a beach rental for next year since ours was being sold. Contact with Erin, my moms hospice aide, helped ease my worry about my mom and I eventually made it through the week.  There were times I secretly wanted to go home until the wedding.  I’ve never felt that way when we are there. I understand now it was just the anxiety of being far away from my mom, mixed with anticipation of getting to the wedding venue and worry about helping to take care of my FIL while we were there because we really had no one to help out. On our last morning, we packed the car in the craziest, unorganized manner we have ever done and headed to NH.  (Next post I promise will be about wedding!!!)  Once the the wedding was behind us, we ventured home. I finally was able to sleep and slept until 9:00 the next morning.  After checking in to hear my mom was doing well, I tried to unpack and reorganize everything.

I planned an after lunch visit with my mom to tell her all about the wedding and our vacation, but she could not wake up. She looked so tired.  She looked less pale and gray but so tired and small.  Just sitting with her was good though and  I finally told the aides she needed a nap and I left to return the next morning.  I returned the next morning just before lunch.  This time I had the pleasure of feeding her lunch!  If you read my blog post from July you will know that I was upset when I had to first feed my mom, but now it was a good thing.  I was able to get her to eat her spaghetti and meatballs.  I talked to her all about how much she and I would eat pasta every night when my dad was away on business.  She seemed happy while I was feeding her.  I realize now that it's ok.  I can feed her.  I feel happy to do so.

I am hoping that when my mom gets sick again, I will be able to be more help to her.  I am hoping now that since the first time is behind me, I will be ok.  I am pretty sure I will be ok.  I know she is ok. I know that every moment spent with my mom is a blessing!