80 Earth Birthday Years!

Milestones and holidays can be either happy or sad once a person becomes a memory.  Today I am filled with both happiness and saddness.  The time we are living in right now is one that we are all trying to figure out.  I am happy that my mom is not here experiencing Covid19, because she was through enough in her lifetime that made her sad.  I am unhappy, however, that she is not here so I can share her very special birthday in person with her. She almost made it. Today I would be bringing her ice cream and holding her hand, while I quietly sang Happy Birthday to her!  80 years!!!  What a lifetime!!!!

I am blessed today that her brother and sister in law went to visit her and brought her flowers.  Happiness and saddness both as I see the picture of her stone with 2020 etched in it now. 

Happy Birthday Mom!  I will always miss you and I will always love you! 

I Have No Doubt

I have no doubt at all.  I have no doubt that my mom is in Heaven with my dad and my brother.  I have no doubt she is with all of my family who is in Heaven.  I have no doubt that my mom is the one who made sure my Easter would be as great as it possibly could be considering the Covid-19 Pandemic.  I found the Bunny Molds!!!  The bunny molds, that have been missing for the past few years, were finally located.  I found the bunny molds!!

Last week I was cleaning in my laundry room.  I had several boxes that I put on shelves when I cleaned out my mother's house, as well as, a few boxes I put downstairs to make room in the spare room for Nora to have her own bed and a place for the kids toys.  I spent quite a few hours rearranging items upstairs and going through all of the boxes on the shelves downstairs so I could organize it all.  After two days of work, I was ready to call it quits and just leave the last two boxes untouched on the bottom shelf.  However, something made me bring the boxes upstairs and finish the job.  (I often give up and just leave a few things undone.)  In the back of my mind, I could hear my mother's voice say, "Cynthia Ann, finish what you started!" So I continued.

The first box I opened was a very neatly packed treasure chest.  Inside were all of my Doily Crochet patterns, needles, and even some crochet cotton.  My grandmother taught me how to crochet these and I forgot where everything was.  Inside the box was a tote bag from the Washington Zoo I purchased when I chaperoned my oldest son's trip in his 6th grade year (he is 37 now)!  Also inside were several cross stitch kits, crosstitch floss, a new table cloth to stitch, and some plastic canvas kits.  However, right on top of all of this, was a brand new kit to cross stitch that has cardinals on it.  I knew when I saw the cardinals, it was a sign from my mom.  Everyone knows how much I believe in cardinals.  I was so happy to find this box of crafting that I began to sort it all out and it still sits in my kitchen today while I decide which one to make first.

There was still one box.  It was late. I was tired.  I was also feeling sad about the loss of our regular Easter traditional celebration.  However, I went ahead and opened the last box.  On top of the many pens, pencils, markers, etc...sat the BUNNY MOLDS!  I was so excited I started to yell to my husband in his makeshift office down stairs and he thought I was crazy!  I couldn't believe that after at least five years of seraching for these bunny molds, I had finally found them.

You know what I am going to say next....My mom is the one who showed me where they were.  I just know it!   I kept it a secret from my family and made the bunnies for Easter.  I don't know if anyone else really missed them as much, but it made me feel great to know I have them back.  They are now safely placed back in the closet, on the organized kitchen shelf, so I will know right where they are for next year!  Thank you Ma!

Dear Ma....I Am Washing My Hands

Dear Ma,

Let me start by saying, I miss you so much I can't even explain how it feels to someone unless they, too, have lost their mom to such a horrific disease such as Alzheimer's Disease.  I am writing to you because there are so many things I am saying to you in my head, that I feel I need to put them on paper for anyone struggling with the same things right now to know they are not alone.

For the first time ever, I am feeling very grateful that you are at peace in Heaven during this uncertain time we are living in due to the Covid-19 Virus around the world. It may sound terrible to some. However, no matter how much I want to see you in person and visit with you, I am thanking God that he chose to take you before this Virus shut down our world.  I can't imagine how hard it would be to NOT be able to visit you and NOT be able to run to Quabbin when you asked Erin or Shantee for 'My Cindy'.

There are some other things I want you to know, too.  I am finally understanding what it means to 'waste not, want not'.  We do not waste anything anymore around here.  I even saved my coffee from Tuesday and reheated it Wednesday afternoon so as not to waste it incase I don't get to the store soon.  I not longer complacent to cooking and eating all of the food in my freezer and refridgerator, even if I feel like take out or running to the store for something else. That limp piece of celery made it into my weekly soup pot!  I am sure you smiled at that! I am finally understanding what it means to use up things that are already open before openning anything new!  I am finally understanding how just a simple thing as sitting in your yard on a sunny day can be a wonderful thing. Taking a walk or talking to a friend is something to treasure.  I am learning how to just 'be' and not feel like I have to constantly be doing something.  When I said my word of the year was 'Focus', I surely didn't know that this virus was going to teach me what it really means.

I also finally understand how much it meant to you when I would call or visit.  In today's world, it might be a text but it sure is wonderful to hear from my kids.  I understand how much it meant for you to see your grandchildren.  I understand how much you enjoyed going to work and how even working in a store was so important to you . I am learning to work virtually and it has made one thing quite clear to me....I am not ready to retire and give up teaching...yet.

I have always believed that everything happens for reasons though we don't know what they are at the time.  Just like I believe I will see you again one day.  Right now, I am believing that this world is going to be a better place after we figure out this whole Covid-19 Virus.  Is firmly believe compassion and empathy will connect us all because we will have ALL gone through this.  Please keep an eye on us all and help keep us safe.  Please keep a closer eye on Dan throughout his work on EMS/Fire.  Also, please keep Adrienne safe, while she tends to her patients who are still in need of a doctor whether they have Covid-19 symptoms or just the common cold.

And....please know...that I am ok.  I miss you but I am happy you are not here to live through this time. 

I love you Ma,

Your 'Cindy'

When Irish Eyes Are Smilin’

Rose and Jack at one of the Irish Pubs they visited.

Today was one of my mom's favorite days of the year!  Although she herself was not Irish by blood, she was Irish by choice because she was a Hogan by marriage.  My dad always told me not to wear green on St. Patrick's Day because I have the red hair to prove I am Irish and the name behind me to prove it too.  I can imagine there is a big party in Heaven right now and my parents are traveling through Ireland again, as they did years ago in these pictures!

My dad at a Peat Farm.

My parents loved their visit to Ireland.  My dad frequented every pub he could find, while my mom shopped her way around the island.  My mom was proud of herself for finding slot machines in one town, the name I don't remember now.  They intended to return, but my dad got sick and later passed away from cancer.  My mom wanted me to join her on a trip to Ireland.  I am sad that I never took her up on the offer. That is one regret I do have.

The pictures are blurry but still show my mom's smile and my dad's love of his pubs.  Although you can't see the red hair around the back of his head, he was a red head for sure! 

My mom brought me home a few Waterford Crystal items that I now cherish.  She also brought home Connemara Marble rosaries.  I debated on burying them with her but in the end I decided to keep them. When she got back to the US, she started shopping for anything she could find that was true to Ireland. We could find her every St. Patrick's Day with QVC on 24/7 so she could shop for anything Irish on March 17th.  She found an Irish gift shop in Scranton where she would later buy numerous little Irish cottages to set up a village in her picture window. 

Today, as I drink a Guinness and eat my stew I will raise my glass to you mom.....Slainte!....knowing you no longer suffer from the horrible disease of Alzheimer's, I am ok.

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These Things I Know (and it ain't cabbage salad)!

Two weeks ago today as I prepared to say my finally goodbye to my mom, I began reflecting on this journey I began as an Alzheimer's daughter. I truly believed then and I believe now, my mom joined my dad early in the morning on February 1st.  She was with us only in spirit on that February 5th day, as we bid her farewell and brought her to her final resting place next to my dad and my big brother.  As a teacher by profession, we are taught the importance of on going reflection.  For the past several days, I have been reflecting on the past few weeks, as well as, the past years when I made the decision to stand by my vow to my dad to always take care of my mom.

When I started this blog, it was to supply myself with a place to write down my feelings, reflect on my actions, try to live without regrets and remember all things about my mom so that memories can be passed down to my family.  Looking back I have learned so much more about my mom and myself than I ever knew before. Someone asked me if I would continue writing now that my mother had passed and I wasn't sure.  However, I still have so many memories to share and so many things to say.  I believe I will.

Try as I might, I still have a few regrets, not many but I do find now through reflection I do have some.  I regret not being able to tell my mom earlier all of the things I told her during her last week here on earth with me  Why did I not say the words to her before then?  I told her how much I loved her and how much I was blessed to have had her for my mom, but she was not able to respond to me.  I know she was listening and I can only pray she knew what I was saying.  However, I regret not saying those things sooner. I do regret not hugging my mom more, but she was not the 'huggy' type. After finding out about her early childhood years, I believe I am aware of why and I will always respect that about her.  She showed me love in many other ways.

Many people would say at this time that they regret that they didn't visit more or they should have done things differently.  I am pretty sure I did the best I could.  I am pretty sure I tried really hard to balance being a good daughter to my mom along with being a good wife, mom, grandmother and teacher. There is a difference between regrets and missing times that have happened in the past. I miss many things about the many years that we had before Alzheimer's and I wish that the terrible disease never arrived to rob my mom of being the best great grandma ever. However, I don't regret my choices in her care.  In hindsight, it is easy to say what I should have done, but I am not so sure I could have done anything differently.

When I was concerned if I should stay by my mom's side throughout the rest of her days, my mom's most amazing hospice caregiver told me that my mom would pass when she was ready and if she wanted me there then it would happen with me by her side.  If she didn't want me there, then it would happen when I was not there. Each time I left her on those few days, I told her I loved her and all the things I never said before. Then I told her if she wanted to see me the next day, I would be back.  However, if she was ready to go be with my dad and brother, then it was ok. I believe those words that Erin told me, also instilled no regrets within me.  I truly believe that. I will be forever grateful to her for loving my mom and for helping me through those last days.

What I do regret is that I didn't appreciate my mom like I should have when it came to all of the wonderful things she did for all of the people she knew.  For example, I am now realizing I should have appreciated all of the amazing recipes she stored in her head.  I can only locate a few actual recipe cards of things that were her.  She had a recipe box filled with recipes from other people, but the recipes she made for us have for the most part passed with her. (Well, except for the cookie recipe that my dog literally ate one day.)

I tried to make her 'Pigs in a Blanket' yesterday.  I think I may be close to how she did it based on my memory.  I know I need to tweak it a bit but I may be close.  I am trying to track down someone that might know how she made her cabbage salad.  That is one that I cannot figure out yet, but I will. I contacted her cousin and I think I at least know where she learned to make it.  My favorite meal she made for me on my birthday was always meatloaf, scalloped potatoes, and tomato bread pudding. The tomato dish she created to use up stale bread by mixing it with her home canned tomatos and baking it with the meatloaf and potatos. I hope to figure them all out too.  I don't know why I never asked her to tell me or show me how to make them myself.  I guess I always thought there would be time or that she would always be here to do it for me.

Well after much reflection, I guess if my biggest regrets have to do with food, then I did an ok job. My mom used to tell everyone that she was going to spend all her money on whatever she wanted and then it would be up to me to figure everything out for her.  I guess I did that.  As I reflect now, I think I did a darn good job.  Right now I will go make a grocery list and see if I can buy some things to try and replicate some of those lost recipes then write them down for future generations!

Still Taking Care of Her Baby Girl

With a heavy heart, I need to share that on Saturday, February 1, 2020, after a few days of drastic decline and my blessing, my mom joined my dad in Heaven.  During these past two months I noticed more and more that my mom was tiring more frequently. It was increasingly difficult to find an oppurtune time to visit with her when she was fully awake.  Although she was still happy and smiling, she began to find food difficult to eat and her bed seemed to bring her more happiness that sitting in the activity room.  A rapid decline of 9 pounds during a four week period, led to her appearing so fragile that I just knew she was starting a journey to meet up with my dad and her baby boy.  Many people do not know that my mom had a baby boy before I was born.  He was born in May of 1960 but sadly died in my mom's arms in December of the same year.  My mom told me all about my  brother, Johnny, named after my father.  She told me all about how scared she was that I was going to die too, as she was pregnant with me when Johnny went to Heaven.  I was later born in April of 1961 without any health issues like my brother.

Losing a parent is never easy, but having a parent suffer with Alzheimer's for a long time makes the goodbye seem to last forever.  Someone told me that having someone with Alzheimer's in your life is like living with a long, long goodbye.  It is like grieving over every little decline.  While this was very true and I spent many car rides home crying until turning onto my road, the feeling at the end was just a new as if my mom didn't have Alzheimer's and just passed in her sleep.  It was, and is, still shocking to me.  I want more time with my mom.  I want more visits even if she can't talk to me or doesn't recognize me, 'her Cindy'.  Her passing was so quick that she didn't suffer for very long at all and was a blessing. However, it was so fast, I didn't have time to truly prepare myself.  

My mom was born in Scranton, PA and moved to live with her Aunt and Uncle in Tunkhannock, PA, when she was 12.  She didn't have a loving wonderful childhood between the ages of 9 and 12 because her mom died and she was left taking care of her two little brothers and her father, whom she never wanted to talk about with me. She would only tell me he was not a good man.  After highschool or during highschool, she met my dad. They married and settled into a large Inn in Lake Carey PA. I have vague memories of the house because we moved to Massachusetts when I was 6.  My mom was my biggest cheerleader and always made my birthday and all holidays special.  Once I grew up and got married, she made her grandchildren the center of her world and spoiled them too.  My mom would give you anything if she had it and you needed it. 

Through my grief last week, I didn't really realize it but my mom gave me one last gift that I will never forget. I told her how much I loved her and that it was ok for her to join my dad as he was holding her baby boy waiting for her.  I told her that I would always love her and that I just knew I would see her again.  I told her that I would be ok and that I have my husband, my children, and my grandchildren.  I kissed her forehead, gave her a hug, and then went home for the night.  I received the call at 4:25am the next morning that my mom passed in her sleep. While I struggled with the finality of it and thought about how my mom couldn't do things anymore with me, I didn't really think about she would give me a final gift.  

My mom is buried alongside my dad in PA. My husband and I made the trip down.  My oldest son flew down from his home in Vermont.  My other two children rented an SUV and took a nostalgic road trip. Our travels were different but we all stayed in the same hotel, on the same floor. We spent the first afternoon and evening together.  We went to dinner together at a local restaurant of my husband's choice.  We all squished in my husband's car. We then stayed up very late sharing stories and memories of my mom, their "Ma" as they called her.  We shared stories about our lives now and stories about when they were young.  They teased me about funny things they say I did or do and we had an enjoyable evening for as much as you can enjoy time the evening before your mom's funeral.  

The day of the funeral we met for breakfast and then met to drive to the funeral home.  The five of us went together in my son's rental car, with him driving.  They helped me get through one of the toughest days of life.  After the funeral we joined my mom's side of the family at "Cracker Barrel".  The food was good and the fellowship was even better.  We parted ways with extended family and returned to the hotel.  My cousins on my dad's side came over to our hotel and we talked for a long time.  They told my kids stories about me growing up (some I don't think are true!)  However, I will forgive them because they gave me the most beautiful bracelet with a cardinal on it that matches one they both have. 

After they left, we got back in the rental car and went to the casino together to honor my moem!  My mom loved casinos and slot machines.  She lived to play her slots! No matter what country she traveled to with my dad, she always searched out slot machines! We gave ourselves one hour to try our luck and then met up for supper again.  After a few drinks and some good food, we made our way back to the hotel.  Tired as we might be, we still met up again to 'hang out', have some snacks (I think only I ate the junk food) and some drinks before heading off to bed. Even though I missed my mom tremendously and I will forever...

I realized......my mom gave me the best last gift. Because of my mom, I got to spend time with my adult children.  The time we spent together was ours.  I love my grandchildren and I love my daughter in law and my daughter and other son's significant others, but this was like it was when my kids were little. Just the 5 of us.  Selfishly I enjoyed every second of having my children with me and my husband.  My mom gave me that gift by bringing us together.  Even though my mom joined my dad, she was still taking care of her baby girl by giving me the best gift ever!

Always a Planner I will Be!

I have always been a planner.  I think I get it from my mom.  My mom used to plan big dinners for her home party plan business, "Dutchmaid Fashions".  My mom used to plan dinners for the Templeton Fish and Game Club, where she would also be in charge of cooking all of the food.  My mom used to have big holiday dinners and parties at home, too.  When my son and I were cleaning out her house, I discovered notebooks with lists and plans for holidays. Some of the lists went way back to when I was very little. Christmas lists of presents, birthday party lists, the list (ha ha) goes on and on.  While it was fun to read through them, it never resonated with me until today.

I recently began a 6 week course of action prompted by a teaching professional to help me become better organized at school so I can enjoy my personal life without the stress of worrying about being prepared for teaching.  Week 2 was about lists and how to make better use of to do lists, etc.  As I sat down today to organize the new materials I purchased to house my notes, I recognized the similarites between me and my mom! After all, we are still not a month since Christmas and I have Easter lists in my brain.  I also have Valentine's that I plan to purchase for the littles in my life.  I have already begun to tentatively plan a list for summer projects.  I guess I have my mom to thank for this afterall.  

Twenty years ago I was planning a cruise for my husband's family where we celebrated my in-law's 50th Anniversary, my father in law was 70, my mom 60, my sister in law was 50.  Today my daughter and I are planning a 90th birthday party for my father in law and in my mind I am thinking about what I would have done for my mom's 80th birthday had she not gotten Alzheimer's. 

There are many moments in many days that I miss my mom and many times I cry on my way home from visiting her.  However, being able to discover how we connect to each other can put a smile on my face. I am honored to know that I got my 'planning' gene from my mom.  I hope I make her proud by being able to carry on, what I realize now, a trait that I never knew was so important until now.