Time Doesn't Stop

I am realizing that it has been a long time since I have updated any posts on this blog.  I have several drafts from August to November that were just never finished.  I created this blog to help me to deal with the stress of being the sole caregiver for my mom, until the wonderful people at Quabbin took over her imminent care.  However, I also started this to write down the memories that were my mom, about my mom, were me, about me, etc so they could be preserved for my grandchildren one day.  Today as I sit here reflecting on the fact my oldest grandchild is 11 today, I am reminded that time does not stop.  It doesn't stop for us because we are in the midst of a pandemic.  It doesn't stop when things are hard or when times are easy.  It continues.  Time is a constant.  

I have recently looked in the mirror and it appears to me now that my grandmother, Grandmom Hogan, is looking back. If I hold my crochet needle, it is now her hands that I see as I create blankets for new babies. How did that ever happen?  Time goes by.  Life changes and we continue to move through it.  

It takes strength and faith to move through time.  Grandmom Hogan raised 10 children....9 redheads!  That alone had to take immense strength.  She buried her husband and two sons before she passed away.  She was always there for me.  I remember she always crocheted when she was watching television and would still be crocheting when she fell asleep.  The Christmas gifts she sent to use were the best.  She always sent the newest gadgets and appliances for my mom and the newest toys to me.  She was the one who purchased the big items that we needed.  When I got married, she bought my china and luggage.  When my first baby was born, she bought my crib.  When I think of her, I smile.  I am learning to smile when I look in the mirror or look at my hands and remember her.

My mom later settled into her role as the grandmother to my three babies.  She took over from Grandmom Hogan and started buying me the latest gadgets and appliances.  She made sure we had a washer and a dryer the first years we were married.  If there was something new, she bought it.  Christmas was a crazy event at her house, as were all holidays.  I think she stockpiled gifts for months ahead.  Other than the big items like that washer etc, I do not remember exactly what she bought.  I do remember though.....we were a family much love shared. I smile when I think of it now.

Nothing changed the fact that time moved on.  After my dad passed too young in 1992, my mom continued to try and be the constant grandma in our life until Alzheimer's took its hold on her.  After that everything I remember about her is measured in time again....the time I could keep her in her home, the time I had to 'rip off the bandaid' and move her to Quabbin because she took a walk and got lost. The time it took to get her on MassHealth and empty her house of a lifetime of memories.  The time she lived at Quabbin and I spent much of my time going there.  Lastly, the time she made the trip back to her beloved Pennsylvania....leading to the last time I got to spend with my adult children before Covid. I was sad about my mom, but I smile today because of the time I got to spend with my family.  

The world changed in March.....9 months ago if you are measuring it in time.  As I sit here watching the snow, I am reminded almost a whole year has gone by.  I am hoping that in the spring, we can all celebrate together again because......it is breaking my heart this year to have to celebrate these holidays virtually with my grandchildren and children.  I know there are people who will say, they don't care if there is a virus and they are going to spend the holiday with people because they deserve it.  There are people who think we are foolish to stay apart because of Covid. Everyone makes their own decisions about things and this is one virus my husband and I have decided we do not want to share as our holiday gift.  We want many more holidays after this one to celebrate.  We will spend our time on Christmas Eve with a Zoom party and hopefully maybe some facetiming on Christmas morning.  Time I am looking forward to and at the same time wishing it would pass quickly so we get closer to the spring.

No matter what we do, time will continue.  Time doesn't stop.  What does matter is how you use the time you have.  My grandmother and my mom used their time so wonderfully that I can remember their love and the love they showed to all of us.  As I wish my oldest grandson a happy birthday today, I am going to try and remember that it doesn't matter how old he is or how much time has gone by, it matters that we make sure that the time we are here, we make memories for our family after we are gone.  Then when time takes us away, our loved ones can remember with a smile. 

Dr. Seuss said it, "Don't cry because it is over, smile because it happened."

I am hoping to write more, to take the time to write again....perhaps now that my mom has been gone 9 months, it is time to continue to preserving memories.  I should say, I never stopped writing. I just never found the pictures to put with the posts. While the pictures are interesting, it is the actual memory and writing that is the most important for me.  I will write more but there may not be a picture each time. 

It is time to continue telling her story and mine. 

"Where I come from a lotta front porch sittin"

Alan Jackson said it all........

"I said where I come from

It's cornbread and chicken

Where I come from a lotta front porch sittin'

Where I come from, tryin' to make a livin'

And workin' hard to get to heaven

Where I come from"

I have been spending a lot of time on my porch these days.  Early morning coffee and crosswords on the front porch.  Lunch on the back porch.  Reading before our 'before supper walk' on the front porch.  Supper on the back porch.  Hummingbird watch and winding down the day on the front porch.  Seems like I spend a lot of time on my porches.  I may not have the house of my dreams or the porches of my dreams, but I do have the most wonderful memories of the many porches in my life. 

One of my few memories from when I lived in PA happens to be the porch the front of the Inn that my parents owned. It was a large wrap around porch.  I vividly remember my mom's porch furniture and her glass wind chimes.  I have searched for similar wind chimes to no avail.  We bought our home in 1986 and for years when my husband asked me to sit out back in our yard, I would always wish we could just sit on our own porch!  Although I do love to spend time now sitting out back in the shade of my yard, I can't help but think back to how much the many different porches have meant in my life.

I remember how many times we would travel to PA to "111 Hanover Street" for a visit in the summer.  I considered it my family home!  Although I didn't live there, my grandmother did with her daughter and sons. We would make the trip during the summer and although I looked forward to seeing my family, I really couldn't wait to sit on the porch.  That is what they did, they sat on the porch.  I have so many memories of my family spending hours on the front porch.  My children grew up sitting on that porch!

My mom's house had a back porch on which we would sit and spend so may enjoyable hours.  That porch saw so many cups of coffee, popsicles, and ice cream floats. My kids' bathing suits and towels would be hung on the rack.  My mom would sit for hours working on her plastic canvas crafts, while I crocheted, knitted, or did cross stitch.  When we bought our house in 1986 and didn't have a porch, I would go to my mom's during the day to sit on her porch! I finally did get not one, but two, porches in 2002.  Today we have my in-laws old sofa swing and my mom's table and chairs on our back porch.  The front porch is not very big and isn't wide enough for a rocker, but it is still a favorite place to have morning coffee and evening hummingbird watch parties.

My in-laws had a screen porch off of their kitchen! Countless days and nights we spent sitting out there.  I can remember my mother in law running a cable to move her tv to the back porch, so she could watch the Red Sox outside when the weather was hot and humid!  We had many meals as a family on that back porch. We would pick blueberries and then have a coffee on that porch.  It was on that back porch, after picking blueberries, my sister in law told us all she was expecting her third baby. We then shared our secret that we, too, were expecting our first one!

Summer is a time to slow down and enjoy these extensions of our homes.  As I sit right now on my back porch, I hear a cardinal singing.  I have my crafting near me.  I have my cup of coffee.  I can't decide if I feel sad without my mom or if I feel content knowing that we made so many memories on her porch.  What I do know is that there is a big porch in Heaven and my mom is sitting on it with my Aunt Barbara and Aunt Karen.  Uncle Eddie is joining them until The Price is Right comes on.  They will be there until the sun is too hot, then they will go back out after supper.

When I started this blog, it was to help me with the stress and anxiety of taking care of my mom throughout her Alzheimer's journey.  I debated the past few weeks if I should even continue this since my mom has now completed her journey. However, out of nowhere, I start to miss her and I now realize, I am still on that journey even without her.

I also started this blog to write down the memories that I have of things from my life and things from my mom's life, so that my grandchildren will be able to know more about us.  For that reason, I hope to continue.  They may not really ever enjoy what sitting on those porches mean but they can learn how important they were to me, their parents, their grandparents, etc.  It took me from 1986 to 2002 to get my porch.  They might be able to learn how their Grammy didn't always have what she wanted right away, so it isn't too bad to have wait for things.  And....if they don't learn anything, at least I know that I wrote things down to pass on to them. 

Grief Isn't the Only Thing that Comes in Waves

I have always loved when people start a statement with "they".  There is a joke in my husband's family that we ask who is they and the answer is "oh those guys on Barthel Avenue."  Well, "They" say grief comes in waves and I believe whoever said it first, said the truth.  Many days I feel ok with my mom's passing. However, on days like today....the anniversary of when I 'moved' her to the nursing home, I feel it most.  I know that I did the right thing. I know that I had no choice, especially when the state said she had to have 24/7 care.  My brain knows it.  The problem came when in order to do it, I had to trick her.  I guess trick is a word to make me feel better.  What I had to do was lie to her.  I told her that Dr. Kelley was sending her to a special hospital to see why she had pain in her foot. Thankfully, Quabbin doesn't have a sign that says it is a nursing home.  It says healthcare so I was able to pull it off.  I had to keep telling her the same lie over and over and it killed me.

After leaving her for her first night, I had to the go to her house and remove all of the items of value just incase someone should find out she wasn't there.  My son moved in to protect the house but I removed the Norman Rockwell Sketches, the signed prints, and other items that I felt I needed close to me.  For years I looked at the Rockwell pencil sketch handing in my sitting room with saddness.  Now I look at it with love knowing it was my mom and dad's.  But that day, June 5, 2013, it broke my heart to take it off her wall. My mom has now moved into her last home.  The home that she will always share with my dad and brother.  I had no hand in her last move.  I can now look at her sketch and signed prints with love.

I am going to try to remember that this day is also an anniversary of happy times.  39 years ago today, we held my wedding rehearsal. While we were rehearsing at the church, my mom was preparing a rehearsal dinner, (again, making food for everyone)!  It was a magical night because my wedding was going to be tomorrow. Because we had so many out of town family and guests, my mom had an open house buffet at her home for us.  I didn't want her to attend the rehearsal because I planned a special part of the ceremony I wanted to keep as a surprise for her and also for my mother in law.  As I walked down the aisle, I planned to give my mom a rose.  After the ceremony, before David and I walked together down the aisle, I was planning to then give my new my new mother in law a rose.  For that reason, I didn't want them to attend the rehearsal.  Seemed to be something small but it was meaningful and symbolic to me.

Talk about waves!  Grief comes in waves, but so does everything else! Today is a day filled with both happy and sad memories.  The ebb and flow continues but so does life.

80 Earth Birthday Years!

Milestones and holidays can be either happy or sad once a person becomes a memory.  Today I am filled with both happiness and saddness.  The time we are living in right now is one that we are all trying to figure out.  I am happy that my mom is not here experiencing Covid19, because she was through enough in her lifetime that made her sad.  I am unhappy, however, that she is not here so I can share her very special birthday in person with her. She almost made it. Today I would be bringing her ice cream and holding her hand, while I quietly sang Happy Birthday to her!  80 years!!!  What a lifetime!!!!

I am blessed today that her brother and sister in law went to visit her and brought her flowers.  Happiness and saddness both as I see the picture of her stone with 2020 etched in it now. 

Happy Birthday Mom!  I will always miss you and I will always love you! 

I Have No Doubt

I have no doubt at all.  I have no doubt that my mom is in Heaven with my dad and my brother.  I have no doubt she is with all of my family who is in Heaven.  I have no doubt that my mom is the one who made sure my Easter would be as great as it possibly could be considering the Covid-19 Pandemic.  I found the Bunny Molds!!!  The bunny molds, that have been missing for the past few years, were finally located.  I found the bunny molds!!

Last week I was cleaning in my laundry room.  I had several boxes that I put on shelves when I cleaned out my mother's house, as well as, a few boxes I put downstairs to make room in the spare room for Nora to have her own bed and a place for the kids toys.  I spent quite a few hours rearranging items upstairs and going through all of the boxes on the shelves downstairs so I could organize it all.  After two days of work, I was ready to call it quits and just leave the last two boxes untouched on the bottom shelf.  However, something made me bring the boxes upstairs and finish the job.  (I often give up and just leave a few things undone.)  In the back of my mind, I could hear my mother's voice say, "Cynthia Ann, finish what you started!" So I continued.

The first box I opened was a very neatly packed treasure chest.  Inside were all of my Doily Crochet patterns, needles, and even some crochet cotton.  My grandmother taught me how to crochet these and I forgot where everything was.  Inside the box was a tote bag from the Washington Zoo I purchased when I chaperoned my oldest son's trip in his 6th grade year (he is 37 now)!  Also inside were several cross stitch kits, crosstitch floss, a new table cloth to stitch, and some plastic canvas kits.  However, right on top of all of this, was a brand new kit to cross stitch that has cardinals on it.  I knew when I saw the cardinals, it was a sign from my mom.  Everyone knows how much I believe in cardinals.  I was so happy to find this box of crafting that I began to sort it all out and it still sits in my kitchen today while I decide which one to make first.

There was still one box.  It was late. I was tired.  I was also feeling sad about the loss of our regular Easter traditional celebration.  However, I went ahead and opened the last box.  On top of the many pens, pencils, markers, etc...sat the BUNNY MOLDS!  I was so excited I started to yell to my husband in his makeshift office down stairs and he thought I was crazy!  I couldn't believe that after at least five years of seraching for these bunny molds, I had finally found them.

You know what I am going to say next....My mom is the one who showed me where they were.  I just know it!   I kept it a secret from my family and made the bunnies for Easter.  I don't know if anyone else really missed them as much, but it made me feel great to know I have them back.  They are now safely placed back in the closet, on the organized kitchen shelf, so I will know right where they are for next year!  Thank you Ma!

Dear Ma....I Am Washing My Hands

Dear Ma,

Let me start by saying, I miss you so much I can't even explain how it feels to someone unless they, too, have lost their mom to such a horrific disease such as Alzheimer's Disease.  I am writing to you because there are so many things I am saying to you in my head, that I feel I need to put them on paper for anyone struggling with the same things right now to know they are not alone.

For the first time ever, I am feeling very grateful that you are at peace in Heaven during this uncertain time we are living in due to the Covid-19 Virus around the world. It may sound terrible to some. However, no matter how much I want to see you in person and visit with you, I am thanking God that he chose to take you before this Virus shut down our world.  I can't imagine how hard it would be to NOT be able to visit you and NOT be able to run to Quabbin when you asked Erin or Shantee for 'My Cindy'.

There are some other things I want you to know, too.  I am finally understanding what it means to 'waste not, want not'.  We do not waste anything anymore around here.  I even saved my coffee from Tuesday and reheated it Wednesday afternoon so as not to waste it incase I don't get to the store soon.  I not longer complacent to cooking and eating all of the food in my freezer and refridgerator, even if I feel like take out or running to the store for something else. That limp piece of celery made it into my weekly soup pot!  I am sure you smiled at that! I am finally understanding what it means to use up things that are already open before openning anything new!  I am finally understanding how just a simple thing as sitting in your yard on a sunny day can be a wonderful thing. Taking a walk or talking to a friend is something to treasure.  I am learning how to just 'be' and not feel like I have to constantly be doing something.  When I said my word of the year was 'Focus', I surely didn't know that this virus was going to teach me what it really means.

I also finally understand how much it meant to you when I would call or visit.  In today's world, it might be a text but it sure is wonderful to hear from my kids.  I understand how much it meant for you to see your grandchildren.  I understand how much you enjoyed going to work and how even working in a store was so important to you . I am learning to work virtually and it has made one thing quite clear to me....I am not ready to retire and give up teaching...yet.

I have always believed that everything happens for reasons though we don't know what they are at the time.  Just like I believe I will see you again one day.  Right now, I am believing that this world is going to be a better place after we figure out this whole Covid-19 Virus.  Is firmly believe compassion and empathy will connect us all because we will have ALL gone through this.  Please keep an eye on us all and help keep us safe.  Please keep a closer eye on Dan throughout his work on EMS/Fire.  Also, please keep Adrienne safe, while she tends to her patients who are still in need of a doctor whether they have Covid-19 symptoms or just the common cold.

And....please know...that I am ok.  I miss you but I am happy you are not here to live through this time. 

I love you Ma,

Your 'Cindy'

When Irish Eyes Are Smilin’

Rose and Jack at one of the Irish Pubs they visited.

Today was one of my mom's favorite days of the year!  Although she herself was not Irish by blood, she was Irish by choice because she was a Hogan by marriage.  My dad always told me not to wear green on St. Patrick's Day because I have the red hair to prove I am Irish and the name behind me to prove it too.  I can imagine there is a big party in Heaven right now and my parents are traveling through Ireland again, as they did years ago in these pictures!

My dad at a Peat Farm.

My parents loved their visit to Ireland.  My dad frequented every pub he could find, while my mom shopped her way around the island.  My mom was proud of herself for finding slot machines in one town, the name I don't remember now.  They intended to return, but my dad got sick and later passed away from cancer.  My mom wanted me to join her on a trip to Ireland.  I am sad that I never took her up on the offer. That is one regret I do have.

The pictures are blurry but still show my mom's smile and my dad's love of his pubs.  Although you can't see the red hair around the back of his head, he was a red head for sure! 

My mom brought me home a few Waterford Crystal items that I now cherish.  She also brought home Connemara Marble rosaries.  I debated on burying them with her but in the end I decided to keep them. When she got back to the US, she started shopping for anything she could find that was true to Ireland. We could find her every St. Patrick's Day with QVC on 24/7 so she could shop for anything Irish on March 17th.  She found an Irish gift shop in Scranton where she would later buy numerous little Irish cottages to set up a village in her picture window. 

Today, as I drink a Guinness and eat my stew I will raise my glass to you mom.....Slainte!....knowing you no longer suffer from the horrible disease of Alzheimer's, I am ok.

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