“Love You Forever”

I’ve written a thousand blog posts over the past few months in my mind, but I have yet to get them on paper. There have been a lot of changes in the past three months.  School started, my husband had shoulder surgery, and my mom continued a graceful decline.

After our son got married and summer's end loomed, I noticed my mom needed clothes in a smaller sizes.  I couldn't remember her ever wearing mediums for probably at least 25 years, but she was slowly shrinking. My mom deserved pretty, stain free, clothing , so I ordered her a whole new wardrobe. When I visit her, I love seeing her dressed in her new outfits.  My mom would be so happy to have new clothes because she was always buying herself new things.

Sometime last summer I wrote about how feeding her was a difficult change for me but, I have started feeling better about feeding her when I am there at meal time.  I have started feeling more comfortable just holding her hand while we sit together and I tell her all about the things going on in my life. For many reasons my mom was not a touchy, huggy, person.
   

As we end 2019, I’ve been witnessing a continued decline in her weight again.  Last week, as her wonderful hospice caregiver bathed and dressed her, I was witnessed first hand how tiny she is now. 25 years ago she and I would have been thrilled if either of us was able to wear smalls.  The first thing I did when I went home was order her a new wardrobe again, this time in size small. However, when the box arrived, it made me cry. It sits near the washer for me to wash and bring to the her. I asked her caregiver to just give me the word, and I will bring them and swap out the mediums for the smalls.

I have been thinking lately that she is so small and tiny now that I could probably pick her up and hold her like she used to pick me up and hold me. When I thought of it, I remembered a book my children had when they were little. How true the words in this book really are.  Instead of feeling sad though, right now I feel very lucky. I am lucky to be able to be here for my mom.  I will hold her hand, feed her her dinner, and I will stay strong enough to pick her up if she needs me.  Afterall, she is going to love me forever.  I am going to love her forever too!

They Call Her Ma!

Dave and Adrienne cutting their wedding cake!

On August 3, 2019, my oldest son married the love of his life. The wedding venue was perfect for them because they both love the outdoors.  Their 'first look' photos on top of a mountain were amazing.  Their ceremony took place at an arbor with a mountain in the background.  The reception was exceptional!  I can't say enough great things about the whole weekend.  What I can say is that it went by in a blink of an eye!  I vowed to take in every second and cherish every moment. I spent weeks trying to find the perfect Mother/Son dance song. I know it was a bit 'cheesy' for my son, but it meant something to me.  I also tried  really hard to etch everything in my memory, but it flew by and before I knew it we were packed and driving home. Thinking back a week a half now since the wedding, I know it will remain as one of the most wonderful memories of my lifetime. My new daughter-in-law said it was the happiest day of her life so far and that in itself sums it up perfectly.  The only thing that would have made it better for me would have been to have my mom there too to be part of her grandson's wedding weekend.  I  am sure Ma would have loved every second of it too.

My oldest son is my mom's first grandchild.  People say that no one has favorites when it comes to children, but often I wondered if my mom had an extra special place in her heart for her 'Buddy'. I am pretty sure my other two think so too.  My mom babysat Buddy when I finished college and when I got my first full time job.  At the time, my mom was a young grandmother.  People often mistook my mom for Buddy's mom instead of his grandmother!  Infact, my son started to call my mom 'Ma' because he always heard me call her Ma.  The name stuck and forever my mom is 'Ma' to my kids.  If they introduced her to a friend they would say she was their grandmother but they always called her Ma.

Waiting for the ceremony to start!

One time when Buddy was young, my mom and I took him to an amusement park near us.  My mom went to the concession stand to get us lunch and my son started crying and screaming that he wanted his Ma. Nothing peaks the curiosity of strangers as when a toddler in a stroller is screaming for his Ma and some other lady is wheeling him away!  Needless to say, we had to explain to many people that I was his mother and his Ma was his grandmother!

The name Ma stuck with our family and my parents became Ma and Pop. Two more grandchildren came along, Jess and Dan, and they too called my mom Ma. It helped to differentiate between my husband's parents, Grammy and Grampa too.

As will happen with every life, Buddy grew up, Ma called him Dave instead of Buddy, my mom grew older, life events took place. However Alzheimer's didn't take away the fact that when I sometimes tell my mom things about her Buddy, I am pretty sure I see sparkle in her eyes.  Yesterday I showed my mom the pictures from the wedding photographer. There were moments when I was pretty sure she smiled! I am not sure if she understands but if she does, I want to share these special times with her because I don't want her to miss them.  I would give anything for her to be with us during these events. I hope that she understands that.  I hope that she knows if we could have had her with us, she would have been there.  I can only hope, my mom knows that we all still love her!  I am pretty sure, she is very happy for her Buddy and his bride.  :-)

Every Moment Spent With My Mom is a Blessing!

Since my previous post a lot has happened in my little place in the world. First let me say though, my mom is ok, I am ok, we are all ok!

Sometime in July, my mom contracted a 'summer cold' and had a hard time kicking the virus. It was a pretty stressful time for me because I have never seen my mom look that sick before.  A cold to anyone else would not be a major thing to endure.  However, my mom was having a hard time coughing on her own to clear the junk a cold can sometimes create in your lungs.  Her color was gray to me and I was scared for the first time that she was not going to recover from this virus. I thought I had already been through the process of grieving for my mom as she used to be before this horrible disease. However my own emotions surprised me because I thought I was prepared for anything.  I couldn't sleep and I cried a lot off and on.  I am typically a very strong person when having to face any situation and found this to be a very unusual feeling. As my mom used to say when she was having a rough day, "I was a mess."  Well.....I was not just a mess, I was surly a hot mess!

At the time I was the most worried, I was suppose to be packing for our annual week vacation in York Beach, Maine.  I couldn't imagine leaving my mom to go for a week to the beach even though my children and grandchildren would be there.  Well, almost all of my children, because this year, my oldest son was getting ready to get married on August 3rd.  I wasn't only packing for a week vacation, but for the wedding as well, since we were leaving from Maine to go directly to the wedding weekend in NH.  I have this packing thing down to a science and usually have no problems at all, but every time I tried to pack, all I could imagine was my mom being sick and me not being there for her.  I kept envisioning that she was going to die while I was away. I kept thinking she would die alone and wondering where I was.

Eventually, all the packing happened. My mom did seem a bit better and I had contact numbers for her hospice aide.  David (being super supportive) took me out for breakfast on our drive to Maine and then we settled into our routine of stopping for Pigs Fly bread and groceries from Hannaford. Although we couldn’t get into our beach house until 3:00, we made it to York and tried to acclimate into vacation mode. Still my mind raced with worry about my mom, worry about everything going perfectly for the wedding, making sure my 89 year old father in law would be comfortable with us for a few days, and wondering if I would find a beach rental for next year since ours was being sold. Contact with Erin, my moms hospice aide, helped ease my worry about my mom and I eventually made it through the week.  There were times I secretly wanted to go home until the wedding.  I’ve never felt that way when we are there. I understand now it was just the anxiety of being far away from my mom, mixed with anticipation of getting to the wedding venue and worry about helping to take care of my FIL while we were there because we really had no one to help out. On our last morning, we packed the car in the craziest, unorganized manner we have ever done and headed to NH.  (Next post I promise will be about wedding!!!)  Once the the wedding was behind us, we ventured home. I finally was able to sleep and slept until 9:00 the next morning.  After checking in to hear my mom was doing well, I tried to unpack and reorganize everything.

I planned an after lunch visit with my mom to tell her all about the wedding and our vacation, but she could not wake up. She looked so tired.  She looked less pale and gray but so tired and small.  Just sitting with her was good though and  I finally told the aides she needed a nap and I left to return the next morning.  I returned the next morning just before lunch.  This time I had the pleasure of feeding her lunch!  If you read my blog post from July you will know that I was upset when I had to first feed my mom, but now it was a good thing.  I was able to get her to eat her spaghetti and meatballs.  I talked to her all about how much she and I would eat pasta every night when my dad was away on business.  She seemed happy while I was feeding her.  I realize now that it's ok.  I can feed her.  I feel happy to do so.

I am hoping that when my mom gets sick again, I will be able to be more help to her.  I am hoping now that since the first time is behind me, I will be ok.  I am pretty sure I will be ok.  I know she is ok. I know that every moment spent with my mom is a blessing!

Mama Never Told Me I'd Have Days Like This

My mom in 1960.  It’s a bit blurry but shows her sparkle anyway!

Yesterday's visit with my mom was bittersweet to say the least.  I am still trying to process the actual visit, trying to get my heart and my brain to at least agree on somethings. The positives from the visit were very uplifting.  My mom had had a shower and her hair was washed and looked really nice. Although it certainly isn't the style she always wore it, her hair looked beautiful. My mom's hospice care giver came and sat with us. It was so uplifting to see how much she loves my mom.  Erin calls my mom her 'Rosy Posy'....and my mom's eyes light up when she sees her.

People don't realize that just the act of getting a shower and hair washed at this stage of Alzheimer's is a major event in a patient's day.  Cooperation being the first battle because many patients don't like water and will fight it.  Erin said it is almost like my mom grows several arms and actually gives her (Erin) a workout when she tries to shower her or even just get her dressed.  Given the morning's events and the fact my mom just had lunch, my mom was dozing in her chair as Erin and I chatted.  It is hard to understand that something as simple as a shampoo and shower can wear someone out to the point of sleep.  

Just as fast though as my mom fell asleep, she woke up and smiled when she saw me. Her smiles, when I think she knows me, make my own heart swell with happiness.  I got out my iPad and tried to get her to look at pictures of my kids and grandchildren. She focused on a couple, so that was a good thing.  As soon as my mom awoke, Erin left us to our visit. When Erin told my mother she would be back in a little while, my mom actually nodded.  We looked at pictures, or at least I did and tried to get my mom to focus on them as I told her all about what was going on in the pictures. I always talk to my mom just as if we are sitting on her back porch having coffee and crafting like we used to do on a summer afternoon.

However, the saddest part of our visit came when it was afternoon treat time.  The activity aide made brownie sundaes for all of the patients.  She gave me my mom's, so I could feed her.  This was the first time that I have had to actually feed my mom the whole snack.  I have helped her before to hold her spoon or tip her bowl the right way, as she would always push me away.  If I even tried to put a spoon to her lips she would bat it away, but not this time.

When our children are small we look forward to all of the 'firsts'.  The first smile, the first laugh, the first words, the first foods.......etc. It is exciting to experience many firsts in our lives.  Our first day of school, our first dance, our first kiss.....etc. Firsts can be exhilarating and special.  Yesterday I realized that there are firsts that are not special and they also will leave a lasting memory.  There are firsts that are sad, but eventually you get used to them. Every step has been bittersweet. I knew the day would come, but I didn't realize how it would feel.  As I tried to get my mom to stop putting the block in her mouth and actually eat the ice cream from my spoon, I realized that it was a first.  For the past two days I have tried to process this.  I am pretty sure that the next visit, I am ready now to feed my mom a snack again. If she tries to put a block in her mouth, I am ready to accept its just who she is at this moment......and I am here to help take care of her for as long as she needs me. Afterall, for my whole life she has been here for me.  Now it's my turn to be here for her.

She's Floating Gracefully Like a Leaf

The 2018/2019 school year has finally ended for me and I am finally settling into a stress free summer vacation mode. I believe my blood pressure has returned to normal. I am hoping it will last at least until it is time to pack for Maine and for my oldest son's wedding!  If you've been reading my infrequent posts you know that what was going on in my work life was keeping me from the writing that is helping me to get through this Alzheimer's world I am living.

Yesterday I had a Care Plan Meeting at the nursing home for my mom.  These meetings are held every three months and I have faithfully been present at each meeting.  My hope is that I continue to be able to attend them because they are important for knowing how my mom is doing when I am not there daily to see her.  Again, I was told she is declining slowly.  Last time the wonderful nursing supervisor equated it to a graceful decline.  I picture in my mind an almost floating decline, as if a leaf was falling from a very tall tree and slowly swaying side to side as it gently falls to earth. My mom is that leaf.  The leaf that has lived on that tree and is not letting go of the tree. I am betting that the leaf was happy when it was on the tree and green but as it faded and became brittle, it was happiest knowing it had served its purpose and could return to the earth from which it came. 

Crocheting with my mom, like we used to do during the summer!

My mom is happy.  Anyone who knows my mom and is worried, my mom is happy!

The most important thing to me is knowing my mom is happy. For so many years after my dad passed, I know my mom was not happy. I don't know if it was the Alzheimer's starting to cause her brain to feel unhappiness or if it was the depression after my dad passed, but I know she struggled.  Oh, she had fun times to enjoy and she did have some great trips and adventures but I know she missed my dad more than anything in the whole world.  Right now, she is not struggling.  She is not fighting it anymore.  My mom no longer asks to go home and when she does, I wonder if she means home to her final home with my dad or to her physical house she remembers.  Even that, who knows what house she remembers.  

I recently read a post on Face book about living in the moment because if you do not, you miss life's greatest appointments.  I am not sure my mom ever got to live in the moment without worry until now.  At first when I sat down to write today, I worried about how I was going to focus on a blog post topic.  I am pretty sure I have found it.  My biggest message today is to live in the moment.  Look forward to the future but don't miss the present time.  I am hoping to get my writing mojo back now.  I recently stumbled upon a ton of old pictures and I want to document them and my memories of my mom and of my life for my grand kids.  As I organize them, I will leave you with this....

Although sometimes memories sneak out of my eyes and roll down my cheeks, they are not always sad.  As I sat with my daughter and grand kids Monday and drank iced coffee and watched the kids play, I remembered doing this with my own mom.  We would sit by her pool, work on crafts, drink coffee, and watch HER grand kids play.  There are many memories that are happy and make me smile when they enter my mind.  The important thing is to keep making memories. However, we cannot just keep them for ourselves or they will not serve any purpose.  Share those memories.  Share them with people who can then make them their own.  

"Don't be sad because it is over. Smile because it happened."  Dr. Seuss

Lions and Tigers and Bears! Oh My!

Lions and Tigers and Bears! Oh My!  Well, I guess I could say, Guilt and Selfish yet Gratitude! Oh My!  Yup.....yesterday was Mother's Day.  Pictures of mothers and their children were all over Facebook and Instagram, just a finger tip away from me.  Texts were going out all over the world with Happy Mother's Day words.  There were daughters thanking their moms.  There were moms thanking their children.  There were moms missing their own moms. There were children missing their moms.

And what was I doing?  Selfishly drinking an expensive brand of coffee, eating fruit salad I purchased already cut up, scrambled eggs my husband made for me, and leftover cinnamon buns (from Easter). Knowing we had to be an hour away at my niece's house for my nephew's birthday, I did the laundry, prepped lunch for the week, did my routine chores and fell asleep in my chair around 9:30 pm on Saturday night.  I never got up until close to 9:00 am yesterday.  I had a choice, rush to visit my mom around 11:00 when I knew she would be awake or wait until a day when I could go after school and see her (since today I had a school site visit and medical appt).  I chose to wait until Wednesday.

Well......and.....then......you know what happened!  I start to feel guilty for NOT feeling guilty!  I guess is it a never win situation.  I know I easily could have squeezed it in.  After all, this was only the second time I can remember in ages that I was not entertaining everyone at my house for Mother's Day.  I always do it.  I went from entertaining my mom, to entertaining my family and my own daughter, and I loved every second of it.  I still will when I do it again....however, this one day, this one Mother's Day...I was exhausted.  So, I practiced what everyone says to do...take care of me first this time.  I am sure there are naysayers out there.  However, it does not mean I do not love my mom.  It does not mean I do not feel so blessed that she is still alive and I am able to visit her.  It just means that I was in need of a large amount of rest.

I have plenty of other things to feel guilty about regarding my mom.  For example, before I had to whisk her away to the nursing home (a blog post for another day), I had only had one of her cataracts fixed. She was so confused and so upset by the whole procedure to fix the one we had done that I just couldn't bring myself to do the other one. I also didn't pay to get the procedure where she wouldn't need reading glasses.  I made the decision that if she didn't need the glasses, that she had had her whole life, she would be very confused and always searching for them.  I feel bad about that every time I attempt to get her to focus on something I want to show her.  She doesn't wear them anymore, nor does she even know that she is suppose to be wearing them.  My mom's in her own world, as world where she doesn't have glasses even though she needs them still.

Once settled in the nursing home, she had a growth start near her nose.  I made the decision after talking with other health care people experienced with Alzheimer's patients and I did not choose to have it removed.  Every time I see her now, I feel so guilty about it since it has grown.  It is too late to do anything now.  She never would understand, just as she never would have understood a few years ago either.  I never wanted to wish her more confusion and pain.  I make all of these decisions myself, with the help from health care providers.  I do the best I can.  I try to make sure my mom feels no pain, no more confusion than necessary, and no sadness.

I pray she isn't confused that yesterday was Mother's Day and I did not visit her.  I prayed for her and thought about her all day long. I watched my grandchildren play with their cousins at the party.  I talked to both of my sons on the phone.  I saw my own daughter at my niece's house.  All the while, I was wishing that my mom was there with us. 

Sometimes though, we all just have to give ourselves a little break.

Mothers, Daughters, and Mother's Day!

In two days it will be Mother's Day 2019.  As I sit here on the Friday Eve before Mother's Day weekend and watch out the window as the rain drizzles in my front yard, I am transported back to the earliest Mother's Days I can remember with my mom.  Somewhere around the time I was maybe 8 or 9, my parents joined a local fish and game club.  They quickly made friends with many people and began to search for a building lot to build a camp on the pond where the clubhouse was located.  Entertainment in those days involved dinners and dances at the club, as well as, friends with already built camps, inviting families over for cook outs and fun weekend times.  On Mother's Day all of the men would be in charge of cooking for their wives. I can remember one time when dads all gave their wives a red rose.  It was always chilly and drizzling.  My mom was so happy on those days.  I can still see the smile on her face.  Eventually we built our own camp on the pond and spent weekends and summers with the friends that my parents had made. 

By the time I turned 15, my parents were looking at selling the camp and building their dream home.  They found a building lot and built a large gambrel with a two car garage.  They sold the tiny house we lived in with no cellar and no attic, as well as, the camp, and we moved into their dream home a few miles from the pond.  At the age of 16, I took over Mother's Day for my mom.  I tried to make the holiday special for her because I knew she deserved it.  She was my mom after all!  However, I could barely cook but I tried to make her breakfast in bed each Mother's Day. She would cook our dinner then I would clean up the dishes. 

When it came to the gifts, I never quite seemed to pick out the right gifts for my mom.  I really feel she was always disappointed but maybe she wasn't. The year I got married, at the age of 20, I started to cook for her. Meals weren't the best and I am not sure the gifts were that great, but I tried.  I remember trying to pick out jewelry and sometimes clothes.  I mostly remember gift certificates and sometimes flowers. 

Mom on Mother's Day around 1998??

As my children grew up, I still had everyone over for Mother's Day.  I made dinner for my mom, as well as, my whole family.  Being together has always been a real gift for me and cooking for everyone has always been a pleasure. My mom would always buy me a Mother's Day card and include a check for me to get something special. While I no longer get a card from my mom and I now have even stopped giving my mom a card, I have tried to continue that tradition by giving my own daughter a gift on Mother's Day too. (Shhhhhh......  Her card and gift is waiting here for Sunday when I get to see her.)

The last Mother's Day that my mom spent with us before she had to go to the nursing home, I remember clearly.  I had everyone over.  My son picked her up and brought her to our house because she could not longer drive.  I bought her a new Debbie Macomber book.  She had loved to read but I suspected she only now would look at the cover of the books.  My mom opened her book and was really excited.  Then she put the book down and about 5 minutes later saw it on the table.  My mom picked it up and asked me if it was a new book. Then she asked me if she could borrow it when I was finished reading it.  I remember telling her that it was her book, that I had given it to her.  She picked it up, hugged it to her chest, and said oh I love Debbie Macomber.  Then my mom put it back down on the table.  You can guess what happened about five more times.  After about 5 minutes, she would pick it up and be so excited at seeing the new book.  I would tell her it was hers. She would hug it and put it down.  I finally moved the book and put it in another room.  My mom never saw it or asked about it after that. 

I would love to say that she took it home and read it, then passed it to me, as we often shared new books.  However, by the end of that day, I realized sending it home with her would only continue a cycle.  I kept the book and read it.  I placed it on my own bookshelf and then a year ago, I gave it away. 

If you are blessed to have your mom still, if you are blessed to have daughters or daughter in laws with children, wish them a Happy Mother's Day.