Dear Ma....I Am Washing My Hands

Dear Ma,

Let me start by saying, I miss you so much I can't even explain how it feels to someone unless they, too, have lost their mom to such a horrific disease such as Alzheimer's Disease.  I am writing to you because there are so many things I am saying to you in my head, that I feel I need to put them on paper for anyone struggling with the same things right now to know they are not alone.

For the first time ever, I am feeling very grateful that you are at peace in Heaven during this uncertain time we are living in due to the Covid-19 Virus around the world. It may sound terrible to some. However, no matter how much I want to see you in person and visit with you, I am thanking God that he chose to take you before this Virus shut down our world.  I can't imagine how hard it would be to NOT be able to visit you and NOT be able to run to Quabbin when you asked Erin or Shantee for 'My Cindy'.

There are some other things I want you to know, too.  I am finally understanding what it means to 'waste not, want not'.  We do not waste anything anymore around here.  I even saved my coffee from Tuesday and reheated it Wednesday afternoon so as not to waste it incase I don't get to the store soon.  I not longer complacent to cooking and eating all of the food in my freezer and refridgerator, even if I feel like take out or running to the store for something else. That limp piece of celery made it into my weekly soup pot!  I am sure you smiled at that! I am finally understanding what it means to use up things that are already open before openning anything new!  I am finally understanding how just a simple thing as sitting in your yard on a sunny day can be a wonderful thing. Taking a walk or talking to a friend is something to treasure.  I am learning how to just 'be' and not feel like I have to constantly be doing something.  When I said my word of the year was 'Focus', I surely didn't know that this virus was going to teach me what it really means.

I also finally understand how much it meant to you when I would call or visit.  In today's world, it might be a text but it sure is wonderful to hear from my kids.  I understand how much it meant for you to see your grandchildren.  I understand how much you enjoyed going to work and how even working in a store was so important to you . I am learning to work virtually and it has made one thing quite clear to me....I am not ready to retire and give up teaching...yet.

I have always believed that everything happens for reasons though we don't know what they are at the time.  Just like I believe I will see you again one day.  Right now, I am believing that this world is going to be a better place after we figure out this whole Covid-19 Virus.  Is firmly believe compassion and empathy will connect us all because we will have ALL gone through this.  Please keep an eye on us all and help keep us safe.  Please keep a closer eye on Dan throughout his work on EMS/Fire.  Also, please keep Adrienne safe, while she tends to her patients who are still in need of a doctor whether they have Covid-19 symptoms or just the common cold.

And....please know...that I am ok.  I miss you but I am happy you are not here to live through this time. 

I love you Ma,

Your 'Cindy'

When Irish Eyes Are Smilin’

Rose and Jack at one of the Irish Pubs they visited.

Today was one of my mom's favorite days of the year!  Although she herself was not Irish by blood, she was Irish by choice because she was a Hogan by marriage.  My dad always told me not to wear green on St. Patrick's Day because I have the red hair to prove I am Irish and the name behind me to prove it too.  I can imagine there is a big party in Heaven right now and my parents are traveling through Ireland again, as they did years ago in these pictures!

My dad at a Peat Farm.

My parents loved their visit to Ireland.  My dad frequented every pub he could find, while my mom shopped her way around the island.  My mom was proud of herself for finding slot machines in one town, the name I don't remember now.  They intended to return, but my dad got sick and later passed away from cancer.  My mom wanted me to join her on a trip to Ireland.  I am sad that I never took her up on the offer. That is one regret I do have.

The pictures are blurry but still show my mom's smile and my dad's love of his pubs.  Although you can't see the red hair around the back of his head, he was a red head for sure! 

My mom brought me home a few Waterford Crystal items that I now cherish.  She also brought home Connemara Marble rosaries.  I debated on burying them with her but in the end I decided to keep them. When she got back to the US, she started shopping for anything she could find that was true to Ireland. We could find her every St. Patrick's Day with QVC on 24/7 so she could shop for anything Irish on March 17th.  She found an Irish gift shop in Scranton where she would later buy numerous little Irish cottages to set up a village in her picture window. 

Today, as I drink a Guinness and eat my stew I will raise my glass to you mom.....Slainte!....knowing you no longer suffer from the horrible disease of Alzheimer's, I am ok.

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