Grief Isn't the Only Thing that Comes in Waves

I have always loved when people start a statement with "they".  There is a joke in my husband's family that we ask who is they and the answer is "oh those guys on Barthel Avenue."  Well, "They" say grief comes in waves and I believe whoever said it first, said the truth.  Many days I feel ok with my mom's passing. However, on days like today....the anniversary of when I 'moved' her to the nursing home, I feel it most.  I know that I did the right thing. I know that I had no choice, especially when the state said she had to have 24/7 care.  My brain knows it.  The problem came when in order to do it, I had to trick her.  I guess trick is a word to make me feel better.  What I had to do was lie to her.  I told her that Dr. Kelley was sending her to a special hospital to see why she had pain in her foot. Thankfully, Quabbin doesn't have a sign that says it is a nursing home.  It says healthcare so I was able to pull it off.  I had to keep telling her the same lie over and over and it killed me.

After leaving her for her first night, I had to the go to her house and remove all of the items of value just incase someone should find out she wasn't there.  My son moved in to protect the house but I removed the Norman Rockwell Sketches, the signed prints, and other items that I felt I needed close to me.  For years I looked at the Rockwell pencil sketch handing in my sitting room with saddness.  Now I look at it with love knowing it was my mom and dad's.  But that day, June 5, 2013, it broke my heart to take it off her wall. My mom has now moved into her last home.  The home that she will always share with my dad and brother.  I had no hand in her last move.  I can now look at her sketch and signed prints with love.

I am going to try to remember that this day is also an anniversary of happy times.  39 years ago today, we held my wedding rehearsal. While we were rehearsing at the church, my mom was preparing a rehearsal dinner, (again, making food for everyone)!  It was a magical night because my wedding was going to be tomorrow. Because we had so many out of town family and guests, my mom had an open house buffet at her home for us.  I didn't want her to attend the rehearsal because I planned a special part of the ceremony I wanted to keep as a surprise for her and also for my mother in law.  As I walked down the aisle, I planned to give my mom a rose.  After the ceremony, before David and I walked together down the aisle, I was planning to then give my new my new mother in law a rose.  For that reason, I didn't want them to attend the rehearsal.  Seemed to be something small but it was meaningful and symbolic to me.

Talk about waves!  Grief comes in waves, but so does everything else! Today is a day filled with both happy and sad memories.  The ebb and flow continues but so does life.

80 Earth Birthday Years!

Milestones and holidays can be either happy or sad once a person becomes a memory.  Today I am filled with both happiness and saddness.  The time we are living in right now is one that we are all trying to figure out.  I am happy that my mom is not here experiencing Covid19, because she was through enough in her lifetime that made her sad.  I am unhappy, however, that she is not here so I can share her very special birthday in person with her. She almost made it. Today I would be bringing her ice cream and holding her hand, while I quietly sang Happy Birthday to her!  80 years!!!  What a lifetime!!!!

I am blessed today that her brother and sister in law went to visit her and brought her flowers.  Happiness and saddness both as I see the picture of her stone with 2020 etched in it now. 

Happy Birthday Mom!  I will always miss you and I will always love you!