80 Earth Birthday Years!

Milestones and holidays can be either happy or sad once a person becomes a memory.  Today I am filled with both happiness and saddness.  The time we are living in right now is one that we are all trying to figure out.  I am happy that my mom is not here experiencing Covid19, because she was through enough in her lifetime that made her sad.  I am unhappy, however, that she is not here so I can share her very special birthday in person with her. She almost made it. Today I would be bringing her ice cream and holding her hand, while I quietly sang Happy Birthday to her!  80 years!!!  What a lifetime!!!!

I am blessed today that her brother and sister in law went to visit her and brought her flowers.  Happiness and saddness both as I see the picture of her stone with 2020 etched in it now. 

Happy Birthday Mom!  I will always miss you and I will always love you! 

These Things I Know (and it ain't cabbage salad)!

Two weeks ago today as I prepared to say my finally goodbye to my mom, I began reflecting on this journey I began as an Alzheimer's daughter. I truly believed then and I believe now, my mom joined my dad early in the morning on February 1st.  She was with us only in spirit on that February 5th day, as we bid her farewell and brought her to her final resting place next to my dad and my big brother.  As a teacher by profession, we are taught the importance of on going reflection.  For the past several days, I have been reflecting on the past few weeks, as well as, the past years when I made the decision to stand by my vow to my dad to always take care of my mom.

When I started this blog, it was to supply myself with a place to write down my feelings, reflect on my actions, try to live without regrets and remember all things about my mom so that memories can be passed down to my family.  Looking back I have learned so much more about my mom and myself than I ever knew before. Someone asked me if I would continue writing now that my mother had passed and I wasn't sure.  However, I still have so many memories to share and so many things to say.  I believe I will.

Try as I might, I still have a few regrets, not many but I do find now through reflection I do have some.  I regret not being able to tell my mom earlier all of the things I told her during her last week here on earth with me  Why did I not say the words to her before then?  I told her how much I loved her and how much I was blessed to have had her for my mom, but she was not able to respond to me.  I know she was listening and I can only pray she knew what I was saying.  However, I regret not saying those things sooner. I do regret not hugging my mom more, but she was not the 'huggy' type. After finding out about her early childhood years, I believe I am aware of why and I will always respect that about her.  She showed me love in many other ways.

Many people would say at this time that they regret that they didn't visit more or they should have done things differently.  I am pretty sure I did the best I could.  I am pretty sure I tried really hard to balance being a good daughter to my mom along with being a good wife, mom, grandmother and teacher. There is a difference between regrets and missing times that have happened in the past. I miss many things about the many years that we had before Alzheimer's and I wish that the terrible disease never arrived to rob my mom of being the best great grandma ever. However, I don't regret my choices in her care.  In hindsight, it is easy to say what I should have done, but I am not so sure I could have done anything differently.

When I was concerned if I should stay by my mom's side throughout the rest of her days, my mom's most amazing hospice caregiver told me that my mom would pass when she was ready and if she wanted me there then it would happen with me by her side.  If she didn't want me there, then it would happen when I was not there. Each time I left her on those few days, I told her I loved her and all the things I never said before. Then I told her if she wanted to see me the next day, I would be back.  However, if she was ready to go be with my dad and brother, then it was ok. I believe those words that Erin told me, also instilled no regrets within me.  I truly believe that. I will be forever grateful to her for loving my mom and for helping me through those last days.

What I do regret is that I didn't appreciate my mom like I should have when it came to all of the wonderful things she did for all of the people she knew.  For example, I am now realizing I should have appreciated all of the amazing recipes she stored in her head.  I can only locate a few actual recipe cards of things that were her.  She had a recipe box filled with recipes from other people, but the recipes she made for us have for the most part passed with her. (Well, except for the cookie recipe that my dog literally ate one day.)

I tried to make her 'Pigs in a Blanket' yesterday.  I think I may be close to how she did it based on my memory.  I know I need to tweak it a bit but I may be close.  I am trying to track down someone that might know how she made her cabbage salad.  That is one that I cannot figure out yet, but I will. I contacted her cousin and I think I at least know where she learned to make it.  My favorite meal she made for me on my birthday was always meatloaf, scalloped potatoes, and tomato bread pudding. The tomato dish she created to use up stale bread by mixing it with her home canned tomatos and baking it with the meatloaf and potatos. I hope to figure them all out too.  I don't know why I never asked her to tell me or show me how to make them myself.  I guess I always thought there would be time or that she would always be here to do it for me.

Well after much reflection, I guess if my biggest regrets have to do with food, then I did an ok job. My mom used to tell everyone that she was going to spend all her money on whatever she wanted and then it would be up to me to figure everything out for her.  I guess I did that.  As I reflect now, I think I did a darn good job.  Right now I will go make a grocery list and see if I can buy some things to try and replicate some of those lost recipes then write them down for future generations!

Still Taking Care of Her Baby Girl

With a heavy heart, I need to share that on Saturday, February 1, 2020, after a few days of drastic decline and my blessing, my mom joined my dad in Heaven.  During these past two months I noticed more and more that my mom was tiring more frequently. It was increasingly difficult to find an oppurtune time to visit with her when she was fully awake.  Although she was still happy and smiling, she began to find food difficult to eat and her bed seemed to bring her more happiness that sitting in the activity room.  A rapid decline of 9 pounds during a four week period, led to her appearing so fragile that I just knew she was starting a journey to meet up with my dad and her baby boy.  Many people do not know that my mom had a baby boy before I was born.  He was born in May of 1960 but sadly died in my mom's arms in December of the same year.  My mom told me all about my  brother, Johnny, named after my father.  She told me all about how scared she was that I was going to die too, as she was pregnant with me when Johnny went to Heaven.  I was later born in April of 1961 without any health issues like my brother.

Losing a parent is never easy, but having a parent suffer with Alzheimer's for a long time makes the goodbye seem to last forever.  Someone told me that having someone with Alzheimer's in your life is like living with a long, long goodbye.  It is like grieving over every little decline.  While this was very true and I spent many car rides home crying until turning onto my road, the feeling at the end was just a new as if my mom didn't have Alzheimer's and just passed in her sleep.  It was, and is, still shocking to me.  I want more time with my mom.  I want more visits even if she can't talk to me or doesn't recognize me, 'her Cindy'.  Her passing was so quick that she didn't suffer for very long at all and was a blessing. However, it was so fast, I didn't have time to truly prepare myself.  

My mom was born in Scranton, PA and moved to live with her Aunt and Uncle in Tunkhannock, PA, when she was 12.  She didn't have a loving wonderful childhood between the ages of 9 and 12 because her mom died and she was left taking care of her two little brothers and her father, whom she never wanted to talk about with me. She would only tell me he was not a good man.  After highschool or during highschool, she met my dad. They married and settled into a large Inn in Lake Carey PA. I have vague memories of the house because we moved to Massachusetts when I was 6.  My mom was my biggest cheerleader and always made my birthday and all holidays special.  Once I grew up and got married, she made her grandchildren the center of her world and spoiled them too.  My mom would give you anything if she had it and you needed it. 

Through my grief last week, I didn't really realize it but my mom gave me one last gift that I will never forget. I told her how much I loved her and that it was ok for her to join my dad as he was holding her baby boy waiting for her.  I told her that I would always love her and that I just knew I would see her again.  I told her that I would be ok and that I have my husband, my children, and my grandchildren.  I kissed her forehead, gave her a hug, and then went home for the night.  I received the call at 4:25am the next morning that my mom passed in her sleep. While I struggled with the finality of it and thought about how my mom couldn't do things anymore with me, I didn't really think about she would give me a final gift.  

My mom is buried alongside my dad in PA. My husband and I made the trip down.  My oldest son flew down from his home in Vermont.  My other two children rented an SUV and took a nostalgic road trip. Our travels were different but we all stayed in the same hotel, on the same floor. We spent the first afternoon and evening together.  We went to dinner together at a local restaurant of my husband's choice.  We all squished in my husband's car. We then stayed up very late sharing stories and memories of my mom, their "Ma" as they called her.  We shared stories about our lives now and stories about when they were young.  They teased me about funny things they say I did or do and we had an enjoyable evening for as much as you can enjoy time the evening before your mom's funeral.  

The day of the funeral we met for breakfast and then met to drive to the funeral home.  The five of us went together in my son's rental car, with him driving.  They helped me get through one of the toughest days of life.  After the funeral we joined my mom's side of the family at "Cracker Barrel".  The food was good and the fellowship was even better.  We parted ways with extended family and returned to the hotel.  My cousins on my dad's side came over to our hotel and we talked for a long time.  They told my kids stories about me growing up (some I don't think are true!)  However, I will forgive them because they gave me the most beautiful bracelet with a cardinal on it that matches one they both have. 

After they left, we got back in the rental car and went to the casino together to honor my moem!  My mom loved casinos and slot machines.  She lived to play her slots! No matter what country she traveled to with my dad, she always searched out slot machines! We gave ourselves one hour to try our luck and then met up for supper again.  After a few drinks and some good food, we made our way back to the hotel.  Tired as we might be, we still met up again to 'hang out', have some snacks (I think only I ate the junk food) and some drinks before heading off to bed. Even though I missed my mom tremendously and I will forever...

I realized......my mom gave me the best last gift. Because of my mom, I got to spend time with my adult children.  The time we spent together was ours.  I love my grandchildren and I love my daughter in law and my daughter and other son's significant others, but this was like it was when my kids were little. Just the 5 of us.  Selfishly I enjoyed every second of having my children with me and my husband.  My mom gave me that gift by bringing us together.  Even though my mom joined my dad, she was still taking care of her baby girl by giving me the best gift ever!

They Call Her Ma!

Dave and Adrienne cutting their wedding cake!

On August 3, 2019, my oldest son married the love of his life. The wedding venue was perfect for them because they both love the outdoors.  Their 'first look' photos on top of a mountain were amazing.  Their ceremony took place at an arbor with a mountain in the background.  The reception was exceptional!  I can't say enough great things about the whole weekend.  What I can say is that it went by in a blink of an eye!  I vowed to take in every second and cherish every moment. I spent weeks trying to find the perfect Mother/Son dance song. I know it was a bit 'cheesy' for my son, but it meant something to me.  I also tried  really hard to etch everything in my memory, but it flew by and before I knew it we were packed and driving home. Thinking back a week a half now since the wedding, I know it will remain as one of the most wonderful memories of my lifetime. My new daughter-in-law said it was the happiest day of her life so far and that in itself sums it up perfectly.  The only thing that would have made it better for me would have been to have my mom there too to be part of her grandson's wedding weekend.  I  am sure Ma would have loved every second of it too.

My oldest son is my mom's first grandchild.  People say that no one has favorites when it comes to children, but often I wondered if my mom had an extra special place in her heart for her 'Buddy'. I am pretty sure my other two think so too.  My mom babysat Buddy when I finished college and when I got my first full time job.  At the time, my mom was a young grandmother.  People often mistook my mom for Buddy's mom instead of his grandmother!  Infact, my son started to call my mom 'Ma' because he always heard me call her Ma.  The name stuck and forever my mom is 'Ma' to my kids.  If they introduced her to a friend they would say she was their grandmother but they always called her Ma.

Waiting for the ceremony to start!

One time when Buddy was young, my mom and I took him to an amusement park near us.  My mom went to the concession stand to get us lunch and my son started crying and screaming that he wanted his Ma. Nothing peaks the curiosity of strangers as when a toddler in a stroller is screaming for his Ma and some other lady is wheeling him away!  Needless to say, we had to explain to many people that I was his mother and his Ma was his grandmother!

The name Ma stuck with our family and my parents became Ma and Pop. Two more grandchildren came along, Jess and Dan, and they too called my mom Ma. It helped to differentiate between my husband's parents, Grammy and Grampa too.

As will happen with every life, Buddy grew up, Ma called him Dave instead of Buddy, my mom grew older, life events took place. However Alzheimer's didn't take away the fact that when I sometimes tell my mom things about her Buddy, I am pretty sure I see sparkle in her eyes.  Yesterday I showed my mom the pictures from the wedding photographer. There were moments when I was pretty sure she smiled! I am not sure if she understands but if she does, I want to share these special times with her because I don't want her to miss them.  I would give anything for her to be with us during these events. I hope that she understands that.  I hope that she knows if we could have had her with us, she would have been there.  I can only hope, my mom knows that we all still love her!  I am pretty sure, she is very happy for her Buddy and his bride.  :-)

She's Floating Gracefully Like a Leaf

The 2018/2019 school year has finally ended for me and I am finally settling into a stress free summer vacation mode. I believe my blood pressure has returned to normal. I am hoping it will last at least until it is time to pack for Maine and for my oldest son's wedding!  If you've been reading my infrequent posts you know that what was going on in my work life was keeping me from the writing that is helping me to get through this Alzheimer's world I am living.

Yesterday I had a Care Plan Meeting at the nursing home for my mom.  These meetings are held every three months and I have faithfully been present at each meeting.  My hope is that I continue to be able to attend them because they are important for knowing how my mom is doing when I am not there daily to see her.  Again, I was told she is declining slowly.  Last time the wonderful nursing supervisor equated it to a graceful decline.  I picture in my mind an almost floating decline, as if a leaf was falling from a very tall tree and slowly swaying side to side as it gently falls to earth. My mom is that leaf.  The leaf that has lived on that tree and is not letting go of the tree. I am betting that the leaf was happy when it was on the tree and green but as it faded and became brittle, it was happiest knowing it had served its purpose and could return to the earth from which it came. 

Crocheting with my mom, like we used to do during the summer!

My mom is happy.  Anyone who knows my mom and is worried, my mom is happy!

The most important thing to me is knowing my mom is happy. For so many years after my dad passed, I know my mom was not happy. I don't know if it was the Alzheimer's starting to cause her brain to feel unhappiness or if it was the depression after my dad passed, but I know she struggled.  Oh, she had fun times to enjoy and she did have some great trips and adventures but I know she missed my dad more than anything in the whole world.  Right now, she is not struggling.  She is not fighting it anymore.  My mom no longer asks to go home and when she does, I wonder if she means home to her final home with my dad or to her physical house she remembers.  Even that, who knows what house she remembers.  

I recently read a post on Face book about living in the moment because if you do not, you miss life's greatest appointments.  I am not sure my mom ever got to live in the moment without worry until now.  At first when I sat down to write today, I worried about how I was going to focus on a blog post topic.  I am pretty sure I have found it.  My biggest message today is to live in the moment.  Look forward to the future but don't miss the present time.  I am hoping to get my writing mojo back now.  I recently stumbled upon a ton of old pictures and I want to document them and my memories of my mom and of my life for my grand kids.  As I organize them, I will leave you with this....

Although sometimes memories sneak out of my eyes and roll down my cheeks, they are not always sad.  As I sat with my daughter and grand kids Monday and drank iced coffee and watched the kids play, I remembered doing this with my own mom.  We would sit by her pool, work on crafts, drink coffee, and watch HER grand kids play.  There are many memories that are happy and make me smile when they enter my mind.  The important thing is to keep making memories. However, we cannot just keep them for ourselves or they will not serve any purpose.  Share those memories.  Share them with people who can then make them their own.  

"Don't be sad because it is over. Smile because it happened."  Dr. Seuss

Traditions of Easter

Any one who has had the pleasure of knowing my mom before Alzheimer's knows that holidays and entertaining were very important to her. When she was nine, her mom died.  She became pseudo mom to her two little brothers who were six and three at the time.  She often told me stories of trying to be the homemaker of the household.  She even had to learn how to do laundry, one time getting her arm almost caught in the roller of the old wringer washer.  My mom told me about having little food because my grandfather would go out and drink away his paycheck, leaving little for three small children.  Luckily, her grandfather helped out and took care of the kids as best he could. Sometime during her 12th year, she went to live with her Aunt Ann and was able to be just a regular teenage girl.  My mom told me once that it was her Aunt Ann that taught her everything!  Not only did she teacher 'everything' but she took her to church and that is where my mom developed her love of holidays!

My first Easter!  1962 Uncle brought me a bunny!

As the years went by, my mom helped me color eggs, she made me Easter baskets, and hid Easter eggs.  She and I would go to Easter Sunday Mass and then she would put the finishing touches on dinner.  We always had the same foods every Easter.  Ham, potato salad, macaroni salad, fresh kielbasa, marshmallow salad, pickled eggs, and cut up carrots, celery, and green onions.  I have no memory of desserts until my own children came along when I would provide a dessert for dinner.

My 2nd Easter! 1963 All ready for church!

My mom made every holiday special! There would be traditional foods and new clothes!  She and I attended church for many years together.  I can remember times when she would use bobby pins and pin tissues to my head because I didn't have hat to wear in church.

Mom made anyone who came to her house for Easter a special Easter basket. For many years she would invite my in-laws or my niece and nephews.  She would have special wrapped presents for everyone. As we all got older, I started to ask her not to give the kids as much chocolate. She started giving David a fruit basket and then she discovered Rice Krispie treats!  Knowing she just had to make sure we had a bunny in our baskets, she bought Bunny Chocolate molds and used them to make Rice Krispie bunnies, even wrapping them in special plastic wrap with ribbons and bows!

David, Jess (2), and Dave(5)

She only stopped hosting Easter when it became too difficult due to the fact she was exhibiting dementia symptoms and just couldn’t accomplish the necessary tasks any longer.  I started offering to bring more cooked dishes, even offering to make the mashed potatoes for her. Her response to me the second to the last year she made our dinner was that I didn't know how to make mashed potatoes and that they were always too runny!  At the time, I really was hurt and had a hard time with her comment.  Two years later she had no idea she had ever said it because she told me I made the best mashed potatoes.  In hindsight, we know why she said those things and now it doesn't hurt my feelings, it just makes me sad.

Unfortunately, one Easter we went to her house for our designated dinner time, only to find her just getting dressed with no dinner ready. She was just starting to cook and we ended almost two hours for dinner to be ready. This was definitely a sign that something was wrong because my mom had always been the ultimate entertainer and a very thoughtful planner for family holidays. That summer, I convinced her to start coming to my house for holidays.

My mom entered the nursing home in June of 2013.  Since then I have tried to include my mom's traditional food on our table.  However, very few people eat any of them, so I have started eliminating more and more of the dishes each year.  Sadly, two years ago I lost the bunny molds somewhere in my house.  It has taken me the two years to 'get over' the lost bunny molds. This year I bought items to cook my mom's traditional foods, but I didn’t make any.  I figured I was the only one who would eat them anyway, so I took the easy way out. I didn't need to eat a whole bowl of marshmallow salad or a whole ring of kielbasa. I did make my grand children and nephews Easter baskets and probably always will until they are grown!  I had David hide 39 eggs and everyone had fun helping the little ones look for them.

It was a great day, except for the waves of moments when I missed my mom and felt guilty for not visiting her on Easter.  Just at the right moment though, my father in law made my day.  As soon as I brought out the Rice Krispie squares, his eyes opened wide!  He announced that they were tradition!  He always remembered my mother making them!  He didn't say "bunnies"!  I guess if I don't find the bunny molds, Easter can still happen as long as we have Rice Krispie squares!!

Lifetime in a Box

I saw a post on Facebook a few weeks ago that said one day your children will want to see you in their old pictures, so make sure to be in them and not just be be the one taking them.  It made sense but I didn’t really think too much about it until yesterday.  School vacations are a great chance to clean some messy areas in my house.  The places where things get tossed to make the actual living spaces look better, because there isn’t enough time to keep everything perfect and work. So, in that messy back room, as I was looking for the Easter Basket prizes, I stumbled upon another big box of old pictures from my mom’s house. Try as I might, there were not many pictures of my mom.  So, I guess the post on Facebook was true because I want pictures of my mom. However, she was always taking them. I want pictures to remember her the way she was before Alzheimer’s.  I want pictures of the two of us. I want pictures of "Ma" with her grandchildren. Each picture of her brings back the memories of my mom as she used to be. There were hundreds of pictures but there weren't many of my mom. However, I did find one of her and her yellow bowl!

My mom in her kitchen making something great!

This picture was taken in our tiny kitchen, in our tiny house, in Baldwinville. I’m not sure what she’s making in that yellow bowl but I am sure whatever it was it was delicious! The picture was taken sometime in the early 70’s. The curtains are her own creation and in the colors she used on everything....her favorites. Oranges and browns were her choices for many projects she sewed. The house was tiny. It had a small eat in kitchen, a living room, two bedrooms, and a bathroom. There was no cellar and no attic. It did have an attached garage and a laundry room off the garage. No matter how small it was, it was a really great house because she put so much of herself into decorating it and she was always cooking something!!  It was through this picture I actually remembered the fact she sewed me a bedspread and a canopy cover for my big bed.  It made me remember the chocolate covered cherries she made before Thanksgiving and stored in the hall closet (lack of space in a tiny house) so they could then be ready for gift giving at Christmas. One picture can conjure up a million memories.  Memories that she now can't express and has forgotten.
Yesterday, I cleaned my cabinets, rearranging my dishes so I could put her bowls in a place where I could use them daily. Today I will make a cake for my youngest son's 30th birthday and I will use her bowls to mix the cake.  My mom can't be here for his birthday but I can at least put a little bit of her into the cake when I use her bowls.

Today I will take pictures of our family supper, as I always do, but I will be sure to ask someone to take a picture of me with the birthday boy! I hear there is a thing called 'selfies" now, so maybe they are valuable for something!  Get out and take pictures of you today!

Out to Lunch

Yesterday marked a tradition for me that started quite a few years ago, the exact date however I cannot remember.  My two very best friends from Grad School and I celebrated our April birthdays at O'Connor's Restaurant in West Boylston Ma. We meet a few times a year to share our latest teaching stories, family stories, uplift each other through tough family times and celebrate the joys of great family events.

On my way home, it was pouring so I turned off the radio to concentrate on the drive.  My mind, however, would not turn off and it got me to thinking about my mom.  I started to realize that 'going out to lunch' was very much a part of my mom's life.  My earliest memories of my mom were of the two of us always together going shopping for the weekly groceries.  Then, the big treat came after the shopping.  My mom took me to lunch at the first fast food type restaurant I can think of that appeared in the Gardner, MA area.   I remember my mom would get me a hamburger, fries, and a soda.  She would get a double burger, fries, and a soda.  (I thought that it was so cool that she got that second burger on her hamburger!)  This was a huge deal for our family and the biggest treat for me.  I am not sure if it was because we never ate out due to money being tight or if my mom just cooked for us at home, but it was something I looked forward to every Friday when I wasn't in school.

As I grew up and my mom started to enlarge her circle of friends, lunch out was replaced with her Artex painting group on Tuesdays, or her ceramics classes on Mondays. This eventually led up to her lunches out on Fridays with her close friends......of course without me as I was now older and I suppose not quite as cute as I was before!  Ha....Time marched on and the days of afternoon activities and lunches were replaced with work responsibilities and my mom's lunches seemed to dwindle.  With the exception of going to lunch on Wednesdays after bowling, my mom pretty much stayed home when she wasn't working.  That was until her grandchildren came along and we would all head to Friendly's routinely on school vacations for lunch and ice cream.

I am sure her lunches out were her way to connect with other mothers/women/wives etc just like I find I look forward to my lunches out with my grad school friends or once in a while my 'oldest/dearest' friends.  Even this year at school for the first time, I am finding that sharing lunch time with my teammates has been a great break in the day to help us all with a difficult cohort of students.
There must be something special in these 'lunches' that takes place because they seem to me to be more than just eating food.

Nancy Schofield and Mom

Looking through pictures I have found a picture of my mom with one of her best friends.  My mom always said they all put their drinks in front of her to be funny because my mom rarely drank alcohol. Sadly her best friend Nancy passed away from Cancer years ago and now my mom is in the nursing home.  When I look at this picture, I am reminded that my mom once went out to lunch just like I do. She would mark it on her calendar like I do now.

To sum it all up, I guess I am continuing to do the same things that my mom did.  I had never thought of it before but I suppose I am a lot more like my mom than I ever admitted.  Connecting with good friends or family (I like to take my own grandchildren to Friendly's from time to time) all are part of enjoying a very wonderful gift we have all been given.  Get out and see your friends.  Talk, laugh, cry, while eating good food and drinking good drinks.  Life goes on.  Friends move away or sadly pass away.  People get older.  People get sick.  Enjoy each day while you can and don't pass on a lunch out with friends!!!

Barbie and Her Furniture and Get to Know Your Mom Now While You Can!

My mom was frugal before it was 'in' thing to do.  My mom's mom, my grandma Julia, died when my mom was only 9 years old. When she died, my mom had two little brothers, one 6 and one 3. Mom used to tell me stories about taking care of her brothers and how much her grandfather helped them out because her dad was not a great dad to them. When my mom was 12, she went to live with her Uncle Joe (her dad's brother) and Aunt Ann.  The woman with the most influence in my mom's early life (before marrying my dad) was Aunt Ann. My mom always said she owed so much to her and wouldn't know what would have happened to her if Aunt Ann had not taken her in. Aunt Ann taught my mom how to can foods in their 'summer' kitchen on the farm.  She taught my mom how to clean and cook.  Aunt Ann was there to help my mom through things I am just not ready to write about (and maybe won't be ever).  I remember moving to MA and knowing that every time we would visit family in PA, it would always include a visit to 'the farm' to see Aunt Ann. 

So, how does this relate to Barbie?  Well, my mom didn't have Barbie's and whenever she did have a doll, she says her brothers would cut off their hair or take them apart.  When I became old enough for Barbies, my mom got me a one.  She knitted and sewed all the clothes for them because my mom and dad didn't have much money.  Probably because at that time, my mom was a stay at home mom.  She wasn't called that then as that was the thing moms did, but she stayed home with me so money was tight.  Unfortunately, I didn't appreciate her homemade clothes and always whined that I didn't get store bought ones or ones from the Sears Wish Book!  

When my daughter was born, my mom got right to work!  By then, 1986, my mom was well into a new crafting era!  My mom lived to make things out of plastic canvas and yarn. She began to make all of my children toys and play sets.  She lovingly worked hours and hours making Barbie Furniture sets for my daughter, her only granddaughter. At that time, I still didn't appreciate all the work she put into making these one of a kind gifts.  I am sad to know that I was not receptive even then. My daughter didn't really like the dolls either and I felt bad knowing that my mom was working so hard on these items. 

Aunt Eva (my husband's Aunt) and Jessica opening Barbie furniture from Ma

Just the other day, Jessica sent me a video explaining cousins and great aunts and grandparents etc.  As I was looking for a picture today, I stumbled upon this one with Barbie furniture and Aunt Eva.  The furniture is long gone.  I did save a play set my mom made my youngest son, called Firetown.  Ironically, Dan went on to become a firefighter.  This set my grandsons have played with.  For now I am going to put it away in case Dan has any children to one day play with it.  

I finally now understand about the reasons why my mom made her gifts when I was little and I know it was because she loved me and didn't have the money to buy things.  I understand why my mom made my children gifts.  It was because she did it out of love for them and for the crafts she loved to make.  I finally now understand, I missed out on many many years of appreciating my mom's dedication to making things for us. I am thinking that maybe my mom was so used to staying up late and sleeping in was because she couldn't make me these things during the day when I would see them.  

The first time I visit my mom this week, I am going to thank her for all the times she stayed up late making me things she couldn't buy.  I am going to thank her for the endless hours she spent making my children things to play with.  I am going to thank her for trying to be the best mom she could be, even though she didn't really have a mom for long.  

Easter Isn't The Same Without My Mom's Rice Krispie Bunnies!

Two or three years ago now, I lost a treasured part of my favorite memories from Easters celebrated with my mom.  My mom made Rice Krispie Bunnies every year.  I am not sure if my kids looked forward to them as much as I, but I do know that they became a distinct part of my memories I will never forget.  I spent many days literally crying over those molds.  I tore things apart around here looking for them.  They have to be in my house somewhere but I have yet to locate them.

Today while cleaning out a closet that I use as a pantry to store kitchen supplies because I have very little kitchen storage, I stumbled across this paper with the recipe stapled to it.  Unfortunately, I did not find the bunny molds.  

I am going to throw this out to the cyber world and social media.  Perhaps someone, somewhere knows where I can get these or has one they are willing to part with.  I would be forever grateful to get one of these molds so that my mom's bunnies can remain part of our family Easter traditions.

If This Suitcase Could Talk....

Summer vacations are great times to catch up with family, get a few chores done around the house, and take some time to recharge before embarking back into the chaos of the real world. I was fortunate to spend the 4th of July with David's family once again at his sister's pool and to enjoy having my three grandchildren for an overnight visit.  Family time puts a lot of things into perspective and really recharges my battery, reminding me of the true importance in my life. To end the week, David and I took a little trip to get away before returning to life's chaos. 

You may be wondering how this all relates to my mom and a suitcase.  It does, don't worry! As I was unpacking yesterday, I started thinking about this little green suitcase. This little green suitcase was one of the first ones that was produced with wheels and a handle. 

My mom needed to have the newest things as soon as they were available. This tattered and torn bag has seen it's better days and the wheels are a bit uneven and clunky now.  At times it is hard to pull and hard to push. We have talked about replacing it. After all, there are so many to choose from now.  Some have harder cases, some have more compartments, and some have 360 degree spinning wheels.  

As I was putting it away yesterday, I realized that this suitcase has been all over this country!  After my dad died in 1992, it became my mom's traveling companion. This little green suitcase traveled with her on her first trip with a friend to Fort Lauderdale, where she locked her keys in the rental car and some "bikers" helped her get them out! (Yup, only my mom and her friend would go during Bike Week!) This suitcase made thousands of trips to Wilkes-Barre or Scranton.  This little green suitcase made numerous trips to Foxwoods with my mom, because that was her favorite overnight place to go with her best friend Lois! This suitcase has traveled to many states, many trips to Vegas or Reno. This was the suitcase I packed for her on her last bowling trip to El Paso that she unpacked when I was not looking. With tears in my eyes, it traveled June 5, 2013 to the nursing home where my mom is now. It took refuge in her closet for almost a year until my head told my heart it was time to take it home with me because it was not going to travel any longer with my mom.  So...I brought it home and it began to travel with me!

We have taken it many times to Foxwoods too, also to Maine, and even a few times to Vermont.  Yesterday, as I put it away, I looked at it again and although I thought about the fact we need to replace it, I just can't.  I can't yet. In the afternoon yesterday, I grabbed my knitting and went to have coffee with my mom. Of course that means I had coffee and I tried to keep the cup away from her so she would not burn herself.  I needed to ask her if it was ok that I get her a new suitcase.  Of course, she won't need a suitcase again, but I felt that I needed her permission. I just can't let go of this little green suitcase because if I do, I let go of my mom.  

My mom, who likes bit duplo size legos or holding baby Shelley.  My mom who loves ice cream and who sometimes I can see a smile in her eyes when I sit down with my coffee and my knitting. My mom whose smile still lights up the room. Until my mom says it is ok, then the little green suitcase will go back downstairs and wait for it's next journey. 

Recovery and Rejuventation

It certainly has been a long, long time since I have allowed myself the time to write.  The original reason I started writing was to help myself journey through my chaotic life with grace and gratitude.  It seems I have forgotten that it was through this writing, I am able to keep my sanity and my stress levels at a decent low level.  To say the past four months have flown by would be both true and false.  This past school year, my work life was extremely stressful and I am not seeing that changing with the new school year coming.  Four of us at my school came down with Shingles and if you know anything about Shingles, they are brought out by stress. Luckily, the Shingles are gone and summer is here.  It is time to recover from the school year and rejuvenate with the things and people I love.

Me and my mom June 2018

For the first time in a long time I was able to go away without worrying about my mom.  She is in a good place physically and mentally.  If there is any good point in this terrible disease it seems that this may be it.  She is happy.  She is well cared for and she is happy.  What more can I ask for other than to have her Alzheimer's free and taking part in our daily lives like a Great-Grandma should.  Since that isn't reality, then at least right now she is ok.

Since it is time for recovery and rejuvenation, I am not going to dwell on anything from the past months that was stressful.  I am only going to think of now and the future.  I am lucky my mom is still with me and I am going to try and enjoy all the time together we can share while balancing my daily life as a wife, mom, grandma, teacher, and individual person.

Get ready, you might be hearing from me quite a bit over this summer!

Never Take It Personally

The purpose of this post was to write a disclaimer to all my family and friends. Please do not take anything I write personally.  I have been trying to filter my feelings so I don't hurt anyone else's.  However, the thing about words on paper that are written and not spoke orally is that sometimes, as I teach my students, the tone in which you hear the words in your head is not the way in which I say them in my head as I write them.  So please, do not take anything I say personally.

Speaking of taking things personally..........

The first thing you learn as a caregiver of someone with Alzheimer's Disease is that you are not suppose to take their abnormal behavior to heart.  This means that no matter how many times the patient tells you that she has not seen you in ages, your son stole money from her, you never ever visit or help out, don't take it personally.  These are signs that something is definitely amiss. Before my mom's diagnosis, she would often call me and tell me all about the things that her grandchildren did wrong at her house.

My mom and dad's dream house!  Built in 1977 

They didn't have the towels up properly on the towel rack.  They went to visit but left a huge mess for her to clean up.  They were borrowing things and never returning the.  The biggest red flag of all was when my mom called to tell me that my son had taken her vacuum and brought it out to the woods and now she could not find it.  Ironically, my mom at that time, only had a central vac and had no other vacuum. In later years we did buy her a regular upright vacuum but that had nothing to do with the one she thought was somewhere out in the woods.  Needless to say, it was frustrating. My mom would offer to let my daughter borrow her car to get to school as long as she (my mom) had the car back to go bowling on Friday nights.  No sooner would my daughter be out of the driveway, my mom would be calling me and asking me when her car was going to be returned. This became increasingly frustrated to me.

I guess the actual 'straw that broke the camel's back' or the thing that pushed me to say something is definitely wrong or we are going to have to move was the day she drove to my house and told me that my kids could not swim in her pool anymore because they left wet towels in her laundry.  The thing was, if you knew my mom, she was a fanatic about perfectly hung up towels and in now way were you to hang a towel on the fence.  It was rainy and windy that day.  The towels needed to be washed.  My son did put them in the laundry but my mom was not happy.  I remember that day clearly.  She came to my house.  Yelled at me about the kids and I had to calmly say to her that from that point forward, both me and my kids would not be going over to her house any more.  Something seemed to register with her and she looked at me and then started to cry.  At that moment, we both knew something was wrong, really really wrong.  I also knew that she didn't want to hurt her grandchildren!

My mom sat down.  I made coffee us both coffee. Together we made a plan. We called her doctor and made an appointment that we could both go to together.

Dave (6), Dan (5 months), and Jess (3) at Ma's in her kitchen

I knew with my brain that my mom was not acting like this to hurt us.  I knew she loved us and we were her world.  However, my heart was broken to think my children were going to think their grandmother didn't like them and thought they were being mean to her.

For a long, long time, I worried about how my children would be effected by events such as this. Unfortunately, my mom didn't have anything that could be fixed with pills or surgery.  She had a disease that she would not overcome. I can only hope that they remember all of the wonderful times that their "Ma" was devoted to them unconditionally because, after all, she was the best grandma that she knew how to be!

Time Doesn't Last Forever

Walking to my car after yesterday's visit, wiping away tears as I approached my car door, I realized that I now understand my mom. The strangest thing happened when I left her yesterday. My mom never looked at me or acknowledged I was there.  Yet, when I went to leave and I said my goodbyes, I reached out to hug her. She hugged me back and squeezed me harder than ever.  The whole ride home I was thinking about how stupid I had been for not 'figuring her out' before now or how I always gave more patience to everyone else but to her. As soon as I got home and began the evening chores, I was kicking myself for never realizing fully until that moment. I was also upset because I couldn't find hardly any pictures of just the two of us.

My mom and me on my wedding day! 6-6-1981

Yesterday when I got there, my mom was sleeping with her head on the arm of a recliner, but awoke as I was settling down to just 'be' with her. She looked at me, got up, and started walking around. I followed her to a chair in the hall and convinced her to sit with me. As the two of us sat alone, I tried to tell her about what was new with her grandchildren. Looking into her vacant eyes, I searched for just small glimmer of hope that she was listening to me tell her about what was going on in my life and my kids lives. I told her about how hard school is right now trying to adjust to new students.  I even told her about my adventures in the blogging world. Yet, every time I looked closely at her, I didn't see my mom.  I saw someone with no sparkle like she always had.  I truly became scared for the first time. The end stages of this dreaded disease are taking its toll on my mom. Looking around I could see now that the disease itself was winning.  It used to be that although she was in the nursing home and at times couldn't remember anything, she still looked like my mom.  She still laughed like my mom.  She listened to me like my mom.

Almost ten years ago, I wrote a letter to husband's mother thanking her for being the best mother in law anyone could ever have.  I told her about all of the things I loved about her.  The letter was written because we knew her time was to be short on this earth and I wanted to tell her these things while I still had the chance.  That's the funny thing about time.  We always think we have so much time. It was almost a gift to know that there was that last opportunity to tell her what was in my heart.  Two years ago I did the same thing with my aunt.  I sent her a card thanking her for being the best aunt that anyone could have ever had. So, why didn't I do that for my mom?

This past year I was struggling with a comment made to me about someone I love. At yoga one afternoon, my yoga instructor noticed that I was sad and we talked about it.  She told me to just put it out there in the universe and let it go. Sometimes of course it is easier to say than do. However, I did it. I made a general comment through Facebook and put it behind me. I woke up this morning before my alarm and knew that I had to do the same thing with my letter to my mom.  Just like I wrote the letter to my mother in law and the note to my aunt.

End of August 2017

Before I could finish this blog post, I had to leave for school. As I sat down to finish this blog post by adding a letter, my phone rang.  It was my mom's hospice nurse. We talked about the fact my mom isn't eating again and isn't drinking again.  They can no longer get her to take her medicine.  We made the decision to stop her meds and make sure that she has her morphine at night for now. She will have pain meds and anxiety meds as she needs them but no more of anything else.

The letter, I will write it.  I will bring it with me to our next visit.  I will sit with her and read it to her. I will hug her and hope that she hugs me back. Right now, I need a little time to process the past two days.  Sigh.........

Give Me a "T"!

Up until about three to four years ago, my mom could still recite all of her cheers that she had to learn in the late 50's when she was a cheerleader for Tunkhannock High School in Tunkhannock, PA.  I am so thankful to my Aunt Ann for taking my mom in during her teens years and making sure she made it through high school. My mom used to tell me she joined cheering so she could get out on school nights because if it was a school night and she wasn't involved in a school activity, she had better keep her you know what home!  My mom was a social butterfly back in her day for sure!  If you were to see her 1958 Senior Yearbook, you would agree as there are no pages unsigned by any of her classmates.  Well, maybe a few by a few females but not many!  My mom knew everyone and cherished being friends with all.  She never missed a class reunion either.  My mom would mark them on her calendar and was probably the first one to send back her RSVP to the planning committee.

The first time my mom attended her reunion after her diagnosis, I drove her to Pennsylvania so she could attend. My Aunt Karen took both my mom and myself to the reunion.  I was hesitant but it was just at the beginning of her diagnosis so I let my mom go to her reunion by herself.  We dropped her off at the door with instructions to meet us when it was over in the same spot.  Secretly I had contacted one of her classmates who agreed to help keep an eye on her so that my mom could enjoy her time but still be safe. My aunt and I went out to supper ourselves and visited until it was time to pick my mom up.

I remember my emotions during that trip.  I was so worried for my mom.  Yet, I was so happy for her at the same time.  Then I would be sad and cry while my aunt consoled me because I knew that this was would be the last reunion my mom could attend.  I knew that given the fact of her diagnosis and its development, she would not be attending her next reunion in five years.  

The other hard part about Alzheimer's is that I became the worried parent of a teenager basically.  I was the one that was wondering how she was doing.  Was anyone talking to her?  Did she even remember people?  My mom had always had such a fantastic memory.  Was she safe and having fun?  I remember my relief when we arrived to pick her up and one of her high school friends made sure to deliver to safely to us then she slipped me her email and phone number.

Five years after this, the invitation to the reunion was sent to my house instead of my mom's. I opened it to find that the planning committee had written notes inside asking how my mom was and letting me know they were thinking about her.  I never showed my mom because by then she wouldn't even be able to fathom what it was.  

"I'm a Survivor!"

My mom coins many phrases.  One of them she would say over and over was "Oh dear, bread and beer.  If I were married I wouldn't be here!".  She even had her nurse saying it with her.  Another one was in her own words. She would say, "I don't care.  I'll let Cindy worry about that!" (oh and how true that became.) I won't even go into how many times she would say, "Well, take me out back and shoot me!"  Her latest and most recent, before she stopped really talking with me, was to tell me , "I'm a survior."

As I start writing about topics, I carefully choose, something else usually pops into my head and I realize it has to be put in writing.  Yesterday, I visited my mom after school. When I got there she was eating an ice cream cone and enjoying it in her own little world. I got a cup of coffee and tried to tell her about the start of my new school year.  I told her all about the fact Ryan (her great-grandson) started 2nd grade this week.  I told her how his brother, Hendrik, was at his open house for Kindergarten.  She looked at me a couple of times but continued with her ice cream cone and then the 'twiddle pad' in front of her.  I tried to tell her that I haven't visited much because I have been sick. Eventually, I turned my attention to the other residents in the room and looked around realizing that almost all of the people in the day room were not there when my mom moved in.  My mom has made 'friends' who have come and gone.

I took some time this morning to look through some more pictures to match up with my future posts. My intention was to locate the pictures from Hurricane Agnes as I watch the news of the devastation in Texas from Harvey.  What I realized, as I looked through more pictures, is that my mom is truly a survivor.
There are pictures of her with lifelong friends. Friends whom are no longer with us here on earth.  There are pictures of difficult times that she lived through. There are pictures that remind me of how she struggled to give me the best of everything.  There are pictures of her, before this terrible disease changed the relationship she had with so many people.

Recently I met with her Care Team.  One of the comments that the director of the facility said was, "I don't know how she is still walking around!"  She had found my mom sleeping standing up while leaning on the end of the bed. At one time she wasn't eating or drinking. I received the phone call that she was going to be placed in hospice.  We discussed end of life care.  I cried everytime I got in the shower so no one could hear.  That was over a year ago. My mom has now started to eat more and drink more. Her physical heatlh is good, it's just her brain that is not. While she didn't understand what I was telling her yesterday, one thing is true. I do understand that with this disease all bets are off and she could decline at any moment....but for now......my mom is a survivor.  She most definitely is!

Mirror, Mirror, On The Car?

One thing I did learn really quickly about Alzheimer's is that a person who develops AD, will develop a problem with their vision regarding spatial understanding.  By the time my mom was diagnosed, I began going to her house more often to check on her. Remember, my mom was young when the disease presented itself in ways that made us realize she needed to see her doctor.  So even after she was first diagnosed, she didn't immediately quit working or stop driving.

The first side mirror I had repaired on my mom's car was in 2007.  I remember going out to the garage to put the trash out and saw her mirror hanging from the wires.  When I called her out to see, she had no idea how that happened and truly thought it just fell off.  Luckily our great auto mechanic at that time sent me to a really wonderful body shop guy who was able to repair the mirror easily and reattached it with minimal cost.

About six months after the first mirror issue, my mom called to tell me someone hit her mirror in the parking lot at her job. I immediately went to her house to check on it and discovered that the passenger side mirror was gone.  Well, gone from her car.  It was, however, in her garage and it was obvious to me she had hit the side of the garage door pulling in or backing out.  I gathered the mirror and headed back to my new friend at the auto body shop.  He was not able to salvage the mirror this time but he did find me one from a junk yard that he was able to paint and reattach.  His own grandmother suffered from the same disease so he was very kind and encouraging to me.  He asked me to watch for other signs such as tire issues or checking for scratches and dents.  I went back to my mom's house and noticed that she had run the car into the back shelves in the garage.

Through much research and many actual real events with my mom, I can tell you I found out that you do not want to ever argue with someone who has AD..  They have not ability to understand if their mind is made up.  As far as my mom was concerned, someone else hit the mirror (though there was a dent in the garage wall and it was on her floor).  Someone else ran the car into the shelves, though the shelf unit was dented and things were astray on the floor and there were scratches on her front grill grate.  And eventually some one else flattened her tire and drove it on its rim to the bowling alley.

I remember that the extra work it meant for me those days was not what crossed my mind.  Sad, it wasn't even the fact I knew my mom could get hurt.  I was most concerned and worried that my mom was going to hurt someone else. Knowing if she could no longer drive I would have to drive her everywhere, I still had to find a way to keep her from driving for her own good and the safety of others. Remember, I promised my dad I would always take care of her. This would not be an easy task to undertake.

The Love of Her Life

I have read many books over the years and seen quite a few movies.  Love stories have always intriqued me.  Going through millions of pictures recently made me realize something.  My parents were a living love story right under my nose and I really didn't see it clearly until now. There were many stories my mom told me about my dad before my mom's mind became 'fuzzy' from AD.  One thing

My mom and dad probably around 1963

though she always said was that she didn't know what would have happened to her if it wasn't for three people in her life.  The first was her grandfather, the second were her aunt and uncle on 'the farm', and the third and most important was my dad, Jack.  My mom told me bits and pieces over the years about her childhood or as I refer to it the childhood she never had.  Her mom died when she was nine years old. That would be hard enough for any

child to deal with but she had to endure a few years of hard times with her own father after that. Infact, years that no child should have to deal with.  Needless to say, my mom never spoke highly of her father.....enough said about that topic!!!

Fortunately, her grandfather stepped in to help. After seeing the life my mom was living with her father, my aunt and uncle stepped in and took my mom in to live with them when she was 12 1/2.  Oh the stories she told me about her Aunt Ann and Uncle Joe.  I will be forever grateful for them and as I eventually share some of what she has told me about her teenage years, you will see why.

I am not quite sure when my mom met my dad, but I do know she was engaged to someone else at the time. Her yearbook tells a story of how popular she was. If it wasn't for her aunt and uncle, I am betting she would not have had the high school years she did and perhaps she may not have even graduated from high school.

After I had to move my mom into the Alzheimer's facility where she now resides, I found letters my mom kept from correspondence with my dad. On October 24, 1959 my mom and dad were married.  There was no big wedding.  They were married in the rectory and then went out for breakfast. My mom had been raised Catholic and it was something Aunt Ann believed in. The priest had my dad sign a paper that would say that any children would be raised Catholic.  He signed it but never went to church himself. When I later married in the Lutheran Church, Aunt Ann didn't want to acknowledge my marriage for quite a while. After my mom and dad married, my mom had a family that she treasured and whom treasured her. She truly became a Hogan when she married into the family and to this day she remains a Hogan.

My dad passed away from lung cancer on March 5, 1992.  He took my mom's heart with him that day. She and I took care of my dad at home with the help of hospice.  The day that he passed, the hospice nurse was with my mom and explained that he needed her to tell him it was ok to go 'home'. The moment my mom told my dad that it was ok, he took his last breath on earth. I promised my dad the night before that I would always take care of her and to this day I have kept and will keep my promise.

I am not a medical professional.  I have read a lot about Alzheimer's.  I truly believe that her broken heart contributed to the early development of this terrible disease that she would later be diagnosed with. Throughtout the years after my dad passed, my mom never dated.  She said that my father would roll over in his grave if she did!  It makes me laugh when I hear the stories about my mom finding 'friends' at her facility of the male persuasion.

Just the other night I received a phone call from her nurse around 10:00PM.  She was just reporting to me that my mom fell off the edge of a recliner, as she tried to sit with a gentleman.  She was not hurt thankfully.  Some people may find that upsetting, but I found it to be funny.  I know my mom's heart belongs to my dad and always will. For now, I just want her to be happy and I hope to always have the love for my husband that she had for hers. I am sure my dad isn't 'rolling' over in his grave.  I am betting he is smiling down keeping an eye on my mom!

From Gameboys to Slot Machines!

I have read a lot of information published regarding how to keep your mind active to avoid dementia type illnesses.  There is a plethora of information available in mainstream media telling people to make sure to use your brain because it is a muscle that needs to be exercised.  Well, I am a bit confused on that topic and although I will continue to read and research for my own benefit and for my children's benefit, I can tell you, my mom exercised her brain constantly and it did no good.  She loved puzzles and always seemed to have a puzzle book or a jigsaw puzzle out on the dining room table.  My mom loved reading and belonged to several book clubs through the mail.

My mom in July 1991 in Wilkes-Barre playing her game boy!

During the '80's, when my children were born, video games became the rage! My mom jumped on the bandwagon and joined my oldest son by getting her own game boy and her own Nintendo! She had many hand held poker games too over the years, but her greatest love of all were slot machines!  My mom loved playing slot machines!

My mom traveled quite a bit with my dad, when he had to work in different countries.  After breakfast she would go out into a strange city armed with a map and her pocketbook to find slot machines! She told me stories about how she found a small village in Ireland once and there was a slot machine in a pub.  While my dad enjoyed the tasting of Irish Whiskey's, my mom played the machine.  Another time she went with my dad to Hong Kong.  While my dad was off working, she asked a local person where she could find slot machines.  Little did she know that she would be boarding a ferry to take her to a different country!  Boy was my dad angry when he came back from work to find my mom had gone all by herself to Macau! In my family, we have heard about this little escapade millions of times over the past years.

When my dad passed away in 1992, my mom was fortunate enough to find friends that traveled with her. "Ma" went to Vegas and Atlantic City.  She traveled with her Nationals team for bowling every year. Her favorite though was Foxwoods also opened in 1992. My mom started taking trips to Foxwoods to play slot machines. Recently I returned from a few days away with my husband. We usually travel to Foxwoods a couple of times a year to get away and enjoy a mini-vacation. We have learned the ins and outs of where to stay, where to eat, and how to actually save money while we are there.  I've even become pretty good at utilizing the concierge at Fox Tower to get me comps and upgrades even though we spend minimal amounts of money.

This time while there, it "hit" me as I was in a casino very late in the evening one night.  My mom loved going there and playing those machines.  She loved to go back to her room to get a snack or a drink and then go back to her machines. This time the trip was a bit sentimental for me. My mom loved the shops and she would have become one of their best outlet shoppers!  She isn't going to be able to go to Foxwoods again. But, I surely know she enjoyed the times she traveled and found slot machines.  She may not remember all of her stories about her trip to Macau or the slots she found in that tiny village in Ireland but I do. I will go visit her tomorrow and I will tell her all about my trip. I doubt she will even understand.

What I do know now is that while I cringed at hearing her Macau story over and over, I would give anything to hear it again from her.

April Showers Bring May Flowers

There is a saying that we all learn when we are little.  April showers bring May flowers.  This is how we explain why springtime in April is often rainy. Flowers tend to start to grow and bloom in May because of the good rain they receive in April.

Here is my mom weeding her tulips outside our house in PA.  I am with her of course because where else would I be!  It has always been my mom and me through everything!

Today as I was on the treadmill at the gym looking out the window at the dreary, gray day and the pouring rain, it seemed to make sense to me. I don't want to get all philosophical or metaphorical, but I am going to do so. What happens when the rain finally stops and the sun comes out? We feel (or most people feel) a sense of gratitude for the sun.  We see how beautiful nature is around us.  We no longer have wet, dirty shoes or coats hanging in our hallways. We have a sense of happiness that we didn't have when it was dreary and raining. It's like trading a bad day for a good day. We see everything around us with clear eyes and happiness in our hearts.

As my summer vacation draws to a close and I am getting ready to go back to work, I realize that if I didn't have to end all of the fun and games, I would never really truly appreciate the time off next summer. Thinking about our recent beach vacation, we had a blast!  Everyone seemed to get along.  It seemed like no one really went off much on their own and if anyone did, they returned to the whole family group with the appearance of being glad they were back in the fold.  When looking back at pictures I see family members constantly moving around to visit with everyone else. No one was secluded. If we spent months on vacation together, we would eventually begin to scatter about and the level of closeness would dwindle.  We now have beautiful memories to savor until next summer.  Of course in my mind as I worry about developing the same disease as my mom, I am hoping that my family will have these memories of me if I can't remember them myself.

I realized, as I looked out the window today, that if I never went through all of the times I had to deal with helping my mom navigate through the steps of Alzheimer's, I would not really have appreciated her as I do now.  Don't get me wrong.  I love my mom.  However, I almost broke a promise to my dad and stopped being here for her.  There were times I felt like she was a burden for me and that I shouldn't have made that promise.  It has been really hard over the years. The last time I spoke with my dad, as he was dying from lung cancer, I promised him that I would always take care of my mother.  These words seemed to calm his agitated body and he was able to smile at me one last time though he could not speak.

When I look back on my life, it was the gray, dreary times that have made me a better person, daughter, wife, and mother.  I've been through a lot with my mom. As I tell these stories you will realize it too.  Today though, as crazy as it sounds, I feel like without going through these things, I wouldn't be the person I am today and I wouldn't be enjoying the sunny days when they occur.

I wish this journey on no one and I pray for a cure for this horrible disease.  For now, I have to play the cards I was dealt and deal with it.  I can only hope to help someone else if they have to join me on this journey.