It's been a very long time since I have written because sometimes life just gets in the way. I guess this is a catch 22 since I started this blog to help me with the stress of my everyday life, but it seems that stress has been keeping me from writing when writing would have been helping.
The past two months have been rough. Between work stresses and life stresses, it's been crazy. Recently our family lost a very important person, my dad's oldest sister, my Aunt Barbara. My dad's two sisters have been the glue that held me together since my mom was diagnosed with AD. After losing Aunt Karen two 1/2 years ago, now losing my Aunt Barbara, I feel the strongest Hogan family connections are gone. I want so much to pick up the phone and call her, but all I can do is talk to her in my head. It makes me happy at these times to know that my mom has no idea what is going on. She would be so hurt and upset to know that her sister in law passed away.
To the outside world, losing my aunt seems to be just what happens when people get older. It didn't matter that she lived in PA. It didn't matter that she just turned 85. My aunts both seemed to fill that void in my heart when my mom stopped knowing me. It's a hard thing to describe to anyone who has not been through it. When your own mom doesn't know who you are, it's like getting punched in the stomach. The feeling makes you want to double over and cry.
This past week when I went to visit my mom, she greeted me with the biggest smile I have ever seen in perhaps years. She was silly and giggling as she played with blocks. She must have remembered I liked the color blue because she handed me a blue block and told me it was for me and it was blue! then she laughed and laughed. It's hard to remember a time when she and I laughed so much. I would bet it has been years....many years before her disease at least. How ironic that right when I was feeling at my lowest and saddest point, knowing that as I looked at her, she would be missing my aunt if she knew had passed away, she comforted me! My mom comforted me by making me laugh.
My mom seems happy and content now. She's in a place in her disease where she doesn't seen to be 'lost' and sad. While I wish that she didn't have this horrible disease, I can at least feel grateful she seems to be ok.
The smile on my mom's face tell me that everything will be ok. I will be ok.
