Finding Joy in the Journey Turns into Gratitude

I tend to read a lot of knitting or happy living blogs.  Last year I read a few where the tendency was to adopt a motto or a mantra for the year with each year being different.  For 2017 I adopted the mantra, "Find Joy in the Journey".  I tried to enjoy every second and I took a million pictures of real life moments.  I didn't stage them and I didn't edit them. I made Facebook Albums with them and shared them so family could see them but mostly so I could go back and look at them.  There were a few pictures with my mom but not as many as there should have been.  This coming year I will take more with my mom when I visit her.  I am thinking of making an album of just the visits when I visit her and try to take selfies of the two of us!  Here's a start from my mom's family Christmas party at her facility on 12/02/17!  She was confused by the phone and what I was doing with the camera on the phone.

This was also the first time that I got to see her in her new chair that she seems to really like.  I was both happy and sad. It was sad to see her in this new chair because it means another transition deeper into this terrible disease.  However, I am happy because she seems to be doing much better since she received this chair.  She is even eating more again.  There is still no rhyme or reason to how she will respond when I visit her.  There never will be.  For now, I am just finding joy whenever I can visit with her and finding gratitude for everyone who takes care of her.  She is after all my mom and I love her and want her to be happy and safe.  I also can't thank her enough for everything she has done for me. At the same time, I know she wants me to be happy and safe too and she thanks me for all I am doing for her.

I have chosen Gratitude for 2018 for many reasons.  This past year, I spent many times both sad and angry with the fact that I am now her sole connection with her past.  No one visits her but me and at first I found that difficult.  I was also angry many days when I realized that I am the only one who goes to see my mom. There are still a few people who will ask me about her but not many. After all, there isn't much to say.  It isn't like she just needs time to get well from what she has....she isn't going to get better.  It's a tough thing when someone says, "How is your mom?".  As long as she is taken care of, then she is good or as good as she can be. 

I am learning myself that there isn't an easy answer for that question so maybe it is hard to ask. I debated on even writing about it at all because I do not want to hurt any feelings.  However, I started this blog to be real, to be honest, to help anyone else going through this, and to help heal myself for how much this hurts to go through.  I have come to the realization that she would want everyone to remember her as she was, not as she is now.  Everyone deals with things in different ways. The memories that she has left in her families hearts will definitely remain etched  there without her family having to see her slipping away.  

When searching for my mantra for 2018, I discovered Gratitude was perfect because it covers the past, today, and the future.  It made me realize that I am thankful for the fact that my mom's grandchildren will always remember their "Ma" as she was and not as she is now.  Her "son in law" will remember her as she was and not as she is now. The extended family will also remember her as she was and not as she is now.  And with gratitude I can say that I am ok with all of this. 

Life is a journey and everyone needs to find their joy without forgetting to be grateful for everything.  The message on this sign my daughter took a picture of a few weeks ago has resonated with me.  What a perfect end for this year of joy as I move into gratitude.  Good things happen.  Love is real. We will be okay. 

Happy New Year!

Thankful For Small Moments

It's been a rough fall this year with many new demands at school.  Not only has it been taking so much of my time to accomplish so little with my students but it has taken away from spending quantity time with my loved ones.  I've begun to set the retirement clock in my head and am actually wondering if I can hang on until my goal date.  Truth be told, I love teaching and I love working with my students.  I consider my students my own children for the year.  However, this year, the joy that I once felt seems to be gone.  Too many demands on teachers' time that have nothing to do with actually teaching.  These demands are more hoops for us to jump through because someone is saying jump!  They do not make me a better teacher, nor do they help my students.

One thing that I can be though is a good daughter to my mom.  Three weeks ago, we were blessed with the most exciting news parents can receive.  Our oldest son asked his girlfriend of six years to marry him.   It made my heart so happy.  We think she is wonderful for him and we love her already as our own.  I took this exciting news with me to visit my mom.  I shared it with the nurses and the aides.  I wanted to tell everyone I saw.

As I sat down with my mom, I knew I was going to tell her.  However, I never expected her to actually have a small conversation with me about it.  Her words were few but they definitely meant she understood.....at least for that moment!  She put her head on my forehead and smiled.  She also let me put my head on her shoulder.  I took a short video of us and I will treasure it for the rest of my days....

There are days when she doesn't want me to touch her or hug her.  This was a good day where she welcomed my hugs and she actually seemed to 'mother' me back!  I will take any moment I can with my mom.

Two Posts in October is Sad but the Story of my Chaotic Life Right Now

I bought a pomegranate.  Yes, I bought a pomegranate.  I was in the store and walked by the display.  My first thoughts were of my mom.  My mom would always buy me a pomegranate.  When I was a little girl, spending money on one was a very big deal. Long before they were considered healthy, they were a huge treat for me.  I would spend hours pulling it apart to suck on the little seeds inside.  Everything I touched would turn red!  I bought a pomegranate because my mother can no longer buy one for me!

The month of October was not a great month for me.  Between dealing with a questionable rash my mom developed  and ultimately a change of doctors for her, I also had to deal with added stresses at work causing a tremendous amount of changes.

Ironically I do not like change.  However, my mom has been changing before my eyes every day I visit.  Gone is the vibrant, smiling, dancing, woman I called my mom. Every once in a while she will give me a smile but it is like with a baby.  I don't know if she is smiling at me, because of me, or smiling due to other reasons.

November is now upon us and winter is around the corner.  Pomegranates are in season.  Just looking at my pomegranate brings back all of my wonderful memories of my mom buying them for me.  How lucky was I that my mom would spend so much money on one for me every November.

I bought a pomegranate.  I am not sure if I will cut it and eat it. I might just look at it.

58 Years Ago

My mom and dad on their Wedding Day 10/24/1959

My original post had the wrong date!  My mom got married in 1959, not 1958! Silly me! I blame it on stress!

For weeks I planned to write a wonderful piece about my mom and dad on their wedding day. Due to the fact that I have to work and right now work is unbelievably stressful and crazy with so much to do all of the time, I will at least get the pictures posted with a short story.  After all, I started this journal to help me with the chaos and stress in my life as I take care of my mom.  I can't let this day go by without acknowledging how special it is.

This is my mom and my dad on the morning they got married.  My Godfather was my dad's best man.  All I remember is I called him Papa Chet. I know he got me a big stuffed bunny once but that is all I can remember about him. I have no idea who my mom's maid of honor was and now I cannot ask her. My mom and dad didn't get to have a fancy wedding with a reception.  They were lucky that the priest married them in the church at all.  The story is that my dad had to sign a paper saying he would raise me Catholic in order to get married in the church.  My mom's big celebration after her wedding going out to breakfast.  This always made me sad.

From the time I was a little girl, I always felt badly that my mom didn't get to have a fancy wedding.  I think that is why she tried to make sure my wedding was spectacular and she did do that!  The only real argument I had with my mom over wedding plans, I had to call upon my dad to solve. My mom booked a Polka Band for my reception and when I found out, I ran crying to my dad.  Why would she think I would want a Polka Band?  My dad pointed out that maybe my mom had always wanted a Polka Band for her own wedding reception. Being Daddy's Little Girl, (or Monkey as he called me), there was no Polka Band at my reception!

My mom never complained about the fact she didn't have a wedding.  In fact, she was always planning parties and events for other people. I was so happy when I got the opportunity to surprise my mom when I threw my parents a big 25th Anniversary Surprise Party, complete with a caterer and a Polka Band.  I made sure she got to have a cake similar to a wedding cake and I hired a photographer to take pictures.  They got to dance first and cut the cake just like it was a wedding reception. Family and friends came from all over and helped us to celebrate. The couple even 'second honeymooned' in Niagara Falls!

Today I just know my dad is looking down from Heaven and keeping an eye on my mom.  I also know that either he or my Aunt Karen paid a visit to me the other day while I was on the phone discussing the need now for a chair alarm for my mom's safety.  While I was on the phone with the nurse, I was fighting back tears because I knew that this is another step toward my mom losing all mobility.  I looked out my door and there was the most beautiful red cardinal on my porch railing.  It really was looking inside my door right at me. I turned to get David's attention, while listening to the nurse. The cardinal moved to a shrub but stayed long enough for David to witness it too.  He went quickly to get his camera but it left just as he was ready to take a picture.  We haven't seen it since.......but I am sure we will see it again probably when I need it the most.

(I don't have time to proof read it as I should right now.  I just want to post it for now and then I will come back as soon as I can.  Please excuse any typos etc.)

Canned Beans in Nooks and Crannies

My mom had OCD before there was even a name for it.  When I was younger I thought it was the most annoying behavior and as I grew up I adopted the opposite way of living. Well, not actually the complete opposite because that would make me a hoarder of everything with no place to walk in my own home.  I became less concerned with every single owner's manual, store receipt, beautifully ironed everything, cabinets that had their own map of their layout, etc. 

There was a file file cabinet in my mom's 'office' where she even filed every upc code from every package of any type of food she purchased.  She even kept candy wrappers because you never knew when Hershey would office a special prize if you had enough of them to send in.  The thing is, my mom knew where everything was and when asked for something she was able to produce it immediately. 

Aunt Karen and me! 1961

I never adopted this habit and I am sure my own kids can attest to it. Perhaps it was because we tend to want to be the opposite of our parents when we first begin our adult lives.  Perhaps it was because my mom did everything and I never learned how to clean a house or wash a load of laundry before I got married. I could keep wondering this forever.  

One of the earlier signs that something just wasn't right with my mom's brain was when my Aunt Karen came to visit one summer day.  Karen noticed that my mom had moved some things in her house, which was not my mom.  I don't remember what she was looking for, but she stumbled upon cans of kidney beans in almost every cabinet, night stand, end table, and closet she opened.  Knowing my mom's obsession with 'everything in its place', she immediately called me out of concern.  When she teasingly asked my mom about them, my mom shrugged and said she didn't know how they got there but then just went about her day as if there weren't 48 cans of beans spread throughout her house.

My mom March 2003

Yesterday I went to get a can of beans for my soup.  I searched everywhere where canned beans should be.  Hmmmm...I found a can of kidney beans in the closet of Nora's room.  Hmmmmmm.....makes me think I should write this one down, just in case!   

Never Take It Personally

The purpose of this post was to write a disclaimer to all my family and friends. Please do not take anything I write personally.  I have been trying to filter my feelings so I don't hurt anyone else's.  However, the thing about words on paper that are written and not spoke orally is that sometimes, as I teach my students, the tone in which you hear the words in your head is not the way in which I say them in my head as I write them.  So please, do not take anything I say personally.

Speaking of taking things personally..........

The first thing you learn as a caregiver of someone with Alzheimer's Disease is that you are not suppose to take their abnormal behavior to heart.  This means that no matter how many times the patient tells you that she has not seen you in ages, your son stole money from her, you never ever visit or help out, don't take it personally.  These are signs that something is definitely amiss. Before my mom's diagnosis, she would often call me and tell me all about the things that her grandchildren did wrong at her house.

My mom and dad's dream house!  Built in 1977 

They didn't have the towels up properly on the towel rack.  They went to visit but left a huge mess for her to clean up.  They were borrowing things and never returning the.  The biggest red flag of all was when my mom called to tell me that my son had taken her vacuum and brought it out to the woods and now she could not find it.  Ironically, my mom at that time, only had a central vac and had no other vacuum. In later years we did buy her a regular upright vacuum but that had nothing to do with the one she thought was somewhere out in the woods.  Needless to say, it was frustrating. My mom would offer to let my daughter borrow her car to get to school as long as she (my mom) had the car back to go bowling on Friday nights.  No sooner would my daughter be out of the driveway, my mom would be calling me and asking me when her car was going to be returned. This became increasingly frustrated to me.

I guess the actual 'straw that broke the camel's back' or the thing that pushed me to say something is definitely wrong or we are going to have to move was the day she drove to my house and told me that my kids could not swim in her pool anymore because they left wet towels in her laundry.  The thing was, if you knew my mom, she was a fanatic about perfectly hung up towels and in now way were you to hang a towel on the fence.  It was rainy and windy that day.  The towels needed to be washed.  My son did put them in the laundry but my mom was not happy.  I remember that day clearly.  She came to my house.  Yelled at me about the kids and I had to calmly say to her that from that point forward, both me and my kids would not be going over to her house any more.  Something seemed to register with her and she looked at me and then started to cry.  At that moment, we both knew something was wrong, really really wrong.  I also knew that she didn't want to hurt her grandchildren!

My mom sat down.  I made coffee us both coffee. Together we made a plan. We called her doctor and made an appointment that we could both go to together.

Dave (6), Dan (5 months), and Jess (3) at Ma's in her kitchen

I knew with my brain that my mom was not acting like this to hurt us.  I knew she loved us and we were her world.  However, my heart was broken to think my children were going to think their grandmother didn't like them and thought they were being mean to her.

For a long, long time, I worried about how my children would be effected by events such as this. Unfortunately, my mom didn't have anything that could be fixed with pills or surgery.  She had a disease that she would not overcome. I can only hope that they remember all of the wonderful times that their "Ma" was devoted to them unconditionally because, after all, she was the best grandma that she knew how to be!

Time Doesn't Last Forever

Walking to my car after yesterday's visit, wiping away tears as I approached my car door, I realized that I now understand my mom. The strangest thing happened when I left her yesterday. My mom never looked at me or acknowledged I was there.  Yet, when I went to leave and I said my goodbyes, I reached out to hug her. She hugged me back and squeezed me harder than ever.  The whole ride home I was thinking about how stupid I had been for not 'figuring her out' before now or how I always gave more patience to everyone else but to her. As soon as I got home and began the evening chores, I was kicking myself for never realizing fully until that moment. I was also upset because I couldn't find hardly any pictures of just the two of us.

My mom and me on my wedding day! 6-6-1981

Yesterday when I got there, my mom was sleeping with her head on the arm of a recliner, but awoke as I was settling down to just 'be' with her. She looked at me, got up, and started walking around. I followed her to a chair in the hall and convinced her to sit with me. As the two of us sat alone, I tried to tell her about what was new with her grandchildren. Looking into her vacant eyes, I searched for just small glimmer of hope that she was listening to me tell her about what was going on in my life and my kids lives. I told her about how hard school is right now trying to adjust to new students.  I even told her about my adventures in the blogging world. Yet, every time I looked closely at her, I didn't see my mom.  I saw someone with no sparkle like she always had.  I truly became scared for the first time. The end stages of this dreaded disease are taking its toll on my mom. Looking around I could see now that the disease itself was winning.  It used to be that although she was in the nursing home and at times couldn't remember anything, she still looked like my mom.  She still laughed like my mom.  She listened to me like my mom.

Almost ten years ago, I wrote a letter to husband's mother thanking her for being the best mother in law anyone could ever have.  I told her about all of the things I loved about her.  The letter was written because we knew her time was to be short on this earth and I wanted to tell her these things while I still had the chance.  That's the funny thing about time.  We always think we have so much time. It was almost a gift to know that there was that last opportunity to tell her what was in my heart.  Two years ago I did the same thing with my aunt.  I sent her a card thanking her for being the best aunt that anyone could have ever had. So, why didn't I do that for my mom?

This past year I was struggling with a comment made to me about someone I love. At yoga one afternoon, my yoga instructor noticed that I was sad and we talked about it.  She told me to just put it out there in the universe and let it go. Sometimes of course it is easier to say than do. However, I did it. I made a general comment through Facebook and put it behind me. I woke up this morning before my alarm and knew that I had to do the same thing with my letter to my mom.  Just like I wrote the letter to my mother in law and the note to my aunt.

End of August 2017

Before I could finish this blog post, I had to leave for school. As I sat down to finish this blog post by adding a letter, my phone rang.  It was my mom's hospice nurse. We talked about the fact my mom isn't eating again and isn't drinking again.  They can no longer get her to take her medicine.  We made the decision to stop her meds and make sure that she has her morphine at night for now. She will have pain meds and anxiety meds as she needs them but no more of anything else.

The letter, I will write it.  I will bring it with me to our next visit.  I will sit with her and read it to her. I will hug her and hope that she hugs me back. Right now, I need a little time to process the past two days.  Sigh.........

Pieces of My Heart and the Guilt in My Brain!

There are many times when I leave after visiting my mom and I cry all the way home.  Today was no different.  My mom looks no longer like the mom that I knew for so long. She looks tired.  She looks very very tired.  As I sat with her today, I was looking for the sparkle she once had as she busily worked so hard to create beautiful memories for all of us. It is very ironic that those memories that she helped to create in my mind are probably the ones she has forgotten.
                           

My mom and my Aunt Karen are probably the strongest, most resilient, and most influential women that I have had for role models in my life. At one time my mom had so much love for us was so devoted to her grandchildren that she would work really hard to make sure that we had the best holidays.  When I was looking through pictures this morning, I came across this one of my aunt and my mom getting ready for Easter dinner one Easter Sunday.  My mom would make Easter baskets for every single person coming to dinner.  Not only did she have dinner perfectly prepared for us but on some occasions she would celebrate my birthday since my birthday often falls on or around Easter.  These two women are pieces in my heart that will remain there forever.  Today my heart feels like a puzzle with mixed up pieces.  I am missing these two women. Aunt Karen passed away two years ago but I still hear her voice in my head talking to me.  My mom, although still here on earth physically, is starting to move into those end stages that come with Alzheimer's.

I try to live my life so that I don't have regrets.  I try to make sure to avoid guilt because let's face it. Guilt drives us crazy and causes us so much stress it eventually causes health problems.  I've learned over the years to deal with guilt.
I was doing pretty good with tabling the guilt feelings for a long time.  However, today, I just wanted to sit with her longer.  I wanted so much to stay there and encourage her to nap while I stayed and held her hand or worked on my blanket. But, I had to leave because I have to go back to work.  Open House is tonight. Life sometimes just gets so busy.  I can't get there as often as I want and I can't do anything to help her more than I have been doing. Now's the time I wish I had visited her more when she was home.  I wish I had told her I loved her more when she was aware. For now, I will pick up the pieces of my heart, try my best to shake the guilt from my brain, and just finish my day.

Give Me a "T"!

Up until about three to four years ago, my mom could still recite all of her cheers that she had to learn in the late 50's when she was a cheerleader for Tunkhannock High School in Tunkhannock, PA.  I am so thankful to my Aunt Ann for taking my mom in during her teens years and making sure she made it through high school. My mom used to tell me she joined cheering so she could get out on school nights because if it was a school night and she wasn't involved in a school activity, she had better keep her you know what home!  My mom was a social butterfly back in her day for sure!  If you were to see her 1958 Senior Yearbook, you would agree as there are no pages unsigned by any of her classmates.  Well, maybe a few by a few females but not many!  My mom knew everyone and cherished being friends with all.  She never missed a class reunion either.  My mom would mark them on her calendar and was probably the first one to send back her RSVP to the planning committee.

The first time my mom attended her reunion after her diagnosis, I drove her to Pennsylvania so she could attend. My Aunt Karen took both my mom and myself to the reunion.  I was hesitant but it was just at the beginning of her diagnosis so I let my mom go to her reunion by herself.  We dropped her off at the door with instructions to meet us when it was over in the same spot.  Secretly I had contacted one of her classmates who agreed to help keep an eye on her so that my mom could enjoy her time but still be safe. My aunt and I went out to supper ourselves and visited until it was time to pick my mom up.

I remember my emotions during that trip.  I was so worried for my mom.  Yet, I was so happy for her at the same time.  Then I would be sad and cry while my aunt consoled me because I knew that this was would be the last reunion my mom could attend.  I knew that given the fact of her diagnosis and its development, she would not be attending her next reunion in five years.  

The other hard part about Alzheimer's is that I became the worried parent of a teenager basically.  I was the one that was wondering how she was doing.  Was anyone talking to her?  Did she even remember people?  My mom had always had such a fantastic memory.  Was she safe and having fun?  I remember my relief when we arrived to pick her up and one of her high school friends made sure to deliver to safely to us then she slipped me her email and phone number.

Five years after this, the invitation to the reunion was sent to my house instead of my mom's. I opened it to find that the planning committee had written notes inside asking how my mom was and letting me know they were thinking about her.  I never showed my mom because by then she wouldn't even be able to fathom what it was.  

Sometimes Life Gets in the Way

It has been my intention to write more than I have been this past week.  However, like the title says, sometimes life gets in the way. Starting back to school this year hasn't been as easy as in the past.  So many things to be worrying about and so many things have kept me from getting organized, leading to everyday feeling like I start out behind as soon as I open my eyes.  Over the past few months we've had an unexpected death in our family which means learning how to deal with the feelings that come along with someone passing too soon, medical concerns/conditions to worry about, a washing machine to replace, and I've had longtime bout with sinusitis/allergies etc to get over, which is still lingering even after six weeks. (And I never get sick so this is a real strange event for me!) I've been so tired that I pick up my knitting and hold it in my lap to start working on it and either fall asleep with it there or just hold it until it is time to go to bed.

Yet, I believe in thinking of the positive as much as possible so while all of these things have happened, there have been so many wonderful and fun times too.   We had a wonderful family vacation in August, shared with extended family at my favorite place in Maine.  My husband and I spent a weekend at Foxwoods and enjoyed three days of thinking we were in a far away resort. My second grandson started Kindergarten.  I spent a day at the PGA Dell Technologies Golf Tournament with my husband, daughter and her significant other. Many more weekend activities are already booked throughout the next couple months to continue enjoying times with family.

Through all of these times, the good and the not so good, nothing changes the fact that my mom won't understand any of it. Alzheimer's has taken away her concept of time. When I cannot visit her because of 'life getting in the way', she is unaware....or I hope she is anyway.  When I go visit her after not seeing her for a week, she doesn't appear to even know that I have not been to see her. My intention is to see her a couple times a week but sometimes it just doesn't work out that way.

So for now, life at this moment or this weekend is going to be about getting back on track so life stops getting in the way. It's time to make a path. Sorting through the laundry to finally get to wash, getting school lessons organized for the next week or two, cleaning the piles of stuff around the house, and hopefully visiting my mom. Because even though she doesn't know I have been there, I do, and she is not something that gets in my way. I just hope she knows it.

For now, I will forge a path and hopefully life won't get in the way next week!

"I'm a Survivor!"

My mom coins many phrases.  One of them she would say over and over was "Oh dear, bread and beer.  If I were married I wouldn't be here!".  She even had her nurse saying it with her.  Another one was in her own words. She would say, "I don't care.  I'll let Cindy worry about that!" (oh and how true that became.) I won't even go into how many times she would say, "Well, take me out back and shoot me!"  Her latest and most recent, before she stopped really talking with me, was to tell me , "I'm a survior."

As I start writing about topics, I carefully choose, something else usually pops into my head and I realize it has to be put in writing.  Yesterday, I visited my mom after school. When I got there she was eating an ice cream cone and enjoying it in her own little world. I got a cup of coffee and tried to tell her about the start of my new school year.  I told her all about the fact Ryan (her great-grandson) started 2nd grade this week.  I told her how his brother, Hendrik, was at his open house for Kindergarten.  She looked at me a couple of times but continued with her ice cream cone and then the 'twiddle pad' in front of her.  I tried to tell her that I haven't visited much because I have been sick. Eventually, I turned my attention to the other residents in the room and looked around realizing that almost all of the people in the day room were not there when my mom moved in.  My mom has made 'friends' who have come and gone.

I took some time this morning to look through some more pictures to match up with my future posts. My intention was to locate the pictures from Hurricane Agnes as I watch the news of the devastation in Texas from Harvey.  What I realized, as I looked through more pictures, is that my mom is truly a survivor.
There are pictures of her with lifelong friends. Friends whom are no longer with us here on earth.  There are pictures of difficult times that she lived through. There are pictures that remind me of how she struggled to give me the best of everything.  There are pictures of her, before this terrible disease changed the relationship she had with so many people.

Recently I met with her Care Team.  One of the comments that the director of the facility said was, "I don't know how she is still walking around!"  She had found my mom sleeping standing up while leaning on the end of the bed. At one time she wasn't eating or drinking. I received the phone call that she was going to be placed in hospice.  We discussed end of life care.  I cried everytime I got in the shower so no one could hear.  That was over a year ago. My mom has now started to eat more and drink more. Her physical heatlh is good, it's just her brain that is not. While she didn't understand what I was telling her yesterday, one thing is true. I do understand that with this disease all bets are off and she could decline at any moment....but for now......my mom is a survivor.  She most definitely is!

Mirror, Mirror, On The Car?

One thing I did learn really quickly about Alzheimer's is that a person who develops AD, will develop a problem with their vision regarding spatial understanding.  By the time my mom was diagnosed, I began going to her house more often to check on her. Remember, my mom was young when the disease presented itself in ways that made us realize she needed to see her doctor.  So even after she was first diagnosed, she didn't immediately quit working or stop driving.

The first side mirror I had repaired on my mom's car was in 2007.  I remember going out to the garage to put the trash out and saw her mirror hanging from the wires.  When I called her out to see, she had no idea how that happened and truly thought it just fell off.  Luckily our great auto mechanic at that time sent me to a really wonderful body shop guy who was able to repair the mirror easily and reattached it with minimal cost.

About six months after the first mirror issue, my mom called to tell me someone hit her mirror in the parking lot at her job. I immediately went to her house to check on it and discovered that the passenger side mirror was gone.  Well, gone from her car.  It was, however, in her garage and it was obvious to me she had hit the side of the garage door pulling in or backing out.  I gathered the mirror and headed back to my new friend at the auto body shop.  He was not able to salvage the mirror this time but he did find me one from a junk yard that he was able to paint and reattach.  His own grandmother suffered from the same disease so he was very kind and encouraging to me.  He asked me to watch for other signs such as tire issues or checking for scratches and dents.  I went back to my mom's house and noticed that she had run the car into the back shelves in the garage.

Through much research and many actual real events with my mom, I can tell you I found out that you do not want to ever argue with someone who has AD..  They have not ability to understand if their mind is made up.  As far as my mom was concerned, someone else hit the mirror (though there was a dent in the garage wall and it was on her floor).  Someone else ran the car into the shelves, though the shelf unit was dented and things were astray on the floor and there were scratches on her front grill grate.  And eventually some one else flattened her tire and drove it on its rim to the bowling alley.

I remember that the extra work it meant for me those days was not what crossed my mind.  Sad, it wasn't even the fact I knew my mom could get hurt.  I was most concerned and worried that my mom was going to hurt someone else. Knowing if she could no longer drive I would have to drive her everywhere, I still had to find a way to keep her from driving for her own good and the safety of others. Remember, I promised my dad I would always take care of her. This would not be an easy task to undertake.

The Love of Her Life

I have read many books over the years and seen quite a few movies.  Love stories have always intriqued me.  Going through millions of pictures recently made me realize something.  My parents were a living love story right under my nose and I really didn't see it clearly until now. There were many stories my mom told me about my dad before my mom's mind became 'fuzzy' from AD.  One thing

My mom and dad probably around 1963

though she always said was that she didn't know what would have happened to her if it wasn't for three people in her life.  The first was her grandfather, the second were her aunt and uncle on 'the farm', and the third and most important was my dad, Jack.  My mom told me bits and pieces over the years about her childhood or as I refer to it the childhood she never had.  Her mom died when she was nine years old. That would be hard enough for any

child to deal with but she had to endure a few years of hard times with her own father after that. Infact, years that no child should have to deal with.  Needless to say, my mom never spoke highly of her father.....enough said about that topic!!!

Fortunately, her grandfather stepped in to help. After seeing the life my mom was living with her father, my aunt and uncle stepped in and took my mom in to live with them when she was 12 1/2.  Oh the stories she told me about her Aunt Ann and Uncle Joe.  I will be forever grateful for them and as I eventually share some of what she has told me about her teenage years, you will see why.

I am not quite sure when my mom met my dad, but I do know she was engaged to someone else at the time. Her yearbook tells a story of how popular she was. If it wasn't for her aunt and uncle, I am betting she would not have had the high school years she did and perhaps she may not have even graduated from high school.

After I had to move my mom into the Alzheimer's facility where she now resides, I found letters my mom kept from correspondence with my dad. On October 24, 1959 my mom and dad were married.  There was no big wedding.  They were married in the rectory and then went out for breakfast. My mom had been raised Catholic and it was something Aunt Ann believed in. The priest had my dad sign a paper that would say that any children would be raised Catholic.  He signed it but never went to church himself. When I later married in the Lutheran Church, Aunt Ann didn't want to acknowledge my marriage for quite a while. After my mom and dad married, my mom had a family that she treasured and whom treasured her. She truly became a Hogan when she married into the family and to this day she remains a Hogan.

My dad passed away from lung cancer on March 5, 1992.  He took my mom's heart with him that day. She and I took care of my dad at home with the help of hospice.  The day that he passed, the hospice nurse was with my mom and explained that he needed her to tell him it was ok to go 'home'. The moment my mom told my dad that it was ok, he took his last breath on earth. I promised my dad the night before that I would always take care of her and to this day I have kept and will keep my promise.

I am not a medical professional.  I have read a lot about Alzheimer's.  I truly believe that her broken heart contributed to the early development of this terrible disease that she would later be diagnosed with. Throughtout the years after my dad passed, my mom never dated.  She said that my father would roll over in his grave if she did!  It makes me laugh when I hear the stories about my mom finding 'friends' at her facility of the male persuasion.

Just the other night I received a phone call from her nurse around 10:00PM.  She was just reporting to me that my mom fell off the edge of a recliner, as she tried to sit with a gentleman.  She was not hurt thankfully.  Some people may find that upsetting, but I found it to be funny.  I know my mom's heart belongs to my dad and always will. For now, I just want her to be happy and I hope to always have the love for my husband that she had for hers. I am sure my dad isn't 'rolling' over in his grave.  I am betting he is smiling down keeping an eye on my mom!

From Gameboys to Slot Machines!

I have read a lot of information published regarding how to keep your mind active to avoid dementia type illnesses.  There is a plethora of information available in mainstream media telling people to make sure to use your brain because it is a muscle that needs to be exercised.  Well, I am a bit confused on that topic and although I will continue to read and research for my own benefit and for my children's benefit, I can tell you, my mom exercised her brain constantly and it did no good.  She loved puzzles and always seemed to have a puzzle book or a jigsaw puzzle out on the dining room table.  My mom loved reading and belonged to several book clubs through the mail.

My mom in July 1991 in Wilkes-Barre playing her game boy!

During the '80's, when my children were born, video games became the rage! My mom jumped on the bandwagon and joined my oldest son by getting her own game boy and her own Nintendo! She had many hand held poker games too over the years, but her greatest love of all were slot machines!  My mom loved playing slot machines!

My mom traveled quite a bit with my dad, when he had to work in different countries.  After breakfast she would go out into a strange city armed with a map and her pocketbook to find slot machines! She told me stories about how she found a small village in Ireland once and there was a slot machine in a pub.  While my dad enjoyed the tasting of Irish Whiskey's, my mom played the machine.  Another time she went with my dad to Hong Kong.  While my dad was off working, she asked a local person where she could find slot machines.  Little did she know that she would be boarding a ferry to take her to a different country!  Boy was my dad angry when he came back from work to find my mom had gone all by herself to Macau! In my family, we have heard about this little escapade millions of times over the past years.

When my dad passed away in 1992, my mom was fortunate enough to find friends that traveled with her. "Ma" went to Vegas and Atlantic City.  She traveled with her Nationals team for bowling every year. Her favorite though was Foxwoods also opened in 1992. My mom started taking trips to Foxwoods to play slot machines. Recently I returned from a few days away with my husband. We usually travel to Foxwoods a couple of times a year to get away and enjoy a mini-vacation. We have learned the ins and outs of where to stay, where to eat, and how to actually save money while we are there.  I've even become pretty good at utilizing the concierge at Fox Tower to get me comps and upgrades even though we spend minimal amounts of money.

This time while there, it "hit" me as I was in a casino very late in the evening one night.  My mom loved going there and playing those machines.  She loved to go back to her room to get a snack or a drink and then go back to her machines. This time the trip was a bit sentimental for me. My mom loved the shops and she would have become one of their best outlet shoppers!  She isn't going to be able to go to Foxwoods again. But, I surely know she enjoyed the times she traveled and found slot machines.  She may not remember all of her stories about her trip to Macau or the slots she found in that tiny village in Ireland but I do. I will go visit her tomorrow and I will tell her all about my trip. I doubt she will even understand.

What I do know now is that while I cringed at hearing her Macau story over and over, I would give anything to hear it again from her.

April Showers Bring May Flowers

There is a saying that we all learn when we are little.  April showers bring May flowers.  This is how we explain why springtime in April is often rainy. Flowers tend to start to grow and bloom in May because of the good rain they receive in April.

Here is my mom weeding her tulips outside our house in PA.  I am with her of course because where else would I be!  It has always been my mom and me through everything!

Today as I was on the treadmill at the gym looking out the window at the dreary, gray day and the pouring rain, it seemed to make sense to me. I don't want to get all philosophical or metaphorical, but I am going to do so. What happens when the rain finally stops and the sun comes out? We feel (or most people feel) a sense of gratitude for the sun.  We see how beautiful nature is around us.  We no longer have wet, dirty shoes or coats hanging in our hallways. We have a sense of happiness that we didn't have when it was dreary and raining. It's like trading a bad day for a good day. We see everything around us with clear eyes and happiness in our hearts.

As my summer vacation draws to a close and I am getting ready to go back to work, I realize that if I didn't have to end all of the fun and games, I would never really truly appreciate the time off next summer. Thinking about our recent beach vacation, we had a blast!  Everyone seemed to get along.  It seemed like no one really went off much on their own and if anyone did, they returned to the whole family group with the appearance of being glad they were back in the fold.  When looking back at pictures I see family members constantly moving around to visit with everyone else. No one was secluded. If we spent months on vacation together, we would eventually begin to scatter about and the level of closeness would dwindle.  We now have beautiful memories to savor until next summer.  Of course in my mind as I worry about developing the same disease as my mom, I am hoping that my family will have these memories of me if I can't remember them myself.

I realized, as I looked out the window today, that if I never went through all of the times I had to deal with helping my mom navigate through the steps of Alzheimer's, I would not really have appreciated her as I do now.  Don't get me wrong.  I love my mom.  However, I almost broke a promise to my dad and stopped being here for her.  There were times I felt like she was a burden for me and that I shouldn't have made that promise.  It has been really hard over the years. The last time I spoke with my dad, as he was dying from lung cancer, I promised him that I would always take care of my mother.  These words seemed to calm his agitated body and he was able to smile at me one last time though he could not speak.

When I look back on my life, it was the gray, dreary times that have made me a better person, daughter, wife, and mother.  I've been through a lot with my mom. As I tell these stories you will realize it too.  Today though, as crazy as it sounds, I feel like without going through these things, I wouldn't be the person I am today and I wouldn't be enjoying the sunny days when they occur.

I wish this journey on no one and I pray for a cure for this horrible disease.  For now, I have to play the cards I was dealt and deal with it.  I can only hope to help someone else if they have to join me on this journey.

The Circle Of Life is Not Just For the Lion King

Yesterday my daughter came to visit with her children after I returned from visiting my mom.  As we sat at my kitchen table, we looked through old pictures. We had a great time and I was so happy to have them come over. There were Lego's, Play doh, and songs via Alexa.  We had cheese and crackers and juice. This reminded me that I did this many many times at my mom's kitchen table over the years.  I remember having to break up my day with my little ones, so I would go to my mom's for awhile.

Then it hit me!  This is the circle of life in real life.  As I looked at my grandchildren I tried to make sure to love every second they were here and ever second my daughter was here.  After all, what is more important than family.  This is how we make memories.  All of the times I spent at my mom's house visiting with her were now just replaying at my house.....one big circle.....but then I was reminded of a trip to NYC in 2000.

If you knew my mom before AD then you know that she was the sweetest and most loving person.  She adored her grandchildren and other than still missing my dad tremendously, she was happy.  In July of 2000, something really started to change but it was a slow change that takes hindsight now to realize there were signals something was amiss.  For Mother's Day, my sister in law and I purchased tickets to take a day trip to NYC with our moms and our daughters to see "The Lion King" on Broadway!  After the tickets were purchased we discovered that both of our daughters were going to be away at a field hockey camp.  I took my youngest son instead and my sister in law took her husband.  However, we still took our moms!

My youngest son was going to be entering 6th grade in the fall.  My mom spent a lot of time with her grandchildren.  She most recently had spent a whole week with us all on a cruise to Bermuda and shared her cabin with my youngest son. She spoiled them and they adored her! This should have been a great trip for all of us.

The bus ride turned into a bit of a parental nightmare as I recall.  It was like driving with two siblings, of the same age, fighting in the back seat. As we started the trip, my mom and my son sat together. About half way to NYC they began to bicker.  It continued until my mom insisted that my son was being mean to her.

I had to separate them on the bus. At one point both of them were crying!  I believe they both stopped their shenanigans outside of NYC, but it set the tone for the day!  I remember eating at an Olive Garden in Times Square. We made sure the two of them were separated there too!

In hindsight, as I tell this story, it brings to light that this may have been the pivotal moment where things started to really fall apart. There had been some money red flags prior to this, but nothing of this magnitude that involved my mom feeling my son was being mean to her.  When a person has developed Alzheimer's, they often go through a phase thinking that everyone is out to get them, steal from them, etc. Through research, learned that it is often the people they are closest to that the patient "thinks" is causing them harm of some sort. Pay attention to your loved ones if this starts to happen and they begin to act out of character.  It isn't the person actually as you think it might be, it is the disease itself.  My mom would be devastated to realize she acted like this with her grandson. That's the thing!  She never realized it......and I am thankful for that.

Seeing My Mom Through Different Eyes

If you have to embark on this journey, you really need to educate yourself on this horrible disease and read as much as possible. There are many books out there and a lot of information.  I started at www.Alz.org.  I spent many many hours early in the morning and late at night reading everything I could find on this website, long before my mom was officially diagnosed, as well as after. There is a plethora of good information and contacts to be found.

I also discovered that many people had their own stories to tell. It amazed me that many stories had similarities, yet at the same time many differences. Given my love for country music, I was intrigued when Brad Paisley's wife, Kimberly Williams-Paisley wrote a book about her journey as an Alzheimer's daughter. AD knows nothing about if you have famous children or if you are someone with money or with none.  It touches so many people every single day.  I pre-ordered Kimberly's book and found it to be very inspiring to me.  I would like to encourage you to read her book.  

I contacted her regarding being allowed to use her book on my blog. At first I was so excited when she responded to my request.  I guess I was a little 'star struck'. In fact, I used to tell my husband all about Brad Paisley's newest songs, etc.  Now I tell him about Kimberly instead. Much of the book resonated with me as a daughter. She claims that losing her mother actually helped her to find her again.  I feel exactly the same. There was a time when I thought I was losing my mom and that I would never have her again.  I now look at her with different eyes! Alzheimer's slowly takes your loved one.  It feels like you are losing them over and over but very slowly.

I have found my mom again.  I found her yesterday when she laughed at something I said.  I found her again yesterday when she smiled as I sat down and she saw me.  I found her again when I was just sitting with her and she was napping. I have found her again as I look through tons of old pictures! 

I'll Have The Chicken And Marshmallows!

I have found myself very fortunate to have married into a family that took my mom under their wing after my father passed away in 1992.  My mom was always included in all of my husband's family gatherings.  She even came on a cruise we all took for my in-laws 50th Anniversary!  (More on that one day.)

One of the 'red flags' that I started to question regarding my mom and a possible dementia issue came on the night of her surprise birthday on 5/28/2005.  My mom was turning 65 on June 1st. We went to Il Forno's in Fitchburg and my mom seemed to struggle with the menu.  My mom frequently went out to eat, so I thought it a bit odd that she needed help with the menu.  When she finally decided what she wanted to order, she chose a chicken dish.  I remember it was called Chicken Scarprello. The dish had peppers, onions, and mushrooms.  My mom kept saying that the mushrooms were called marshmallows.  If someone asked her what she had, she would respond with chicken and marshmallows. Now I know everyone can mix up a word here or there, but she consistently called the mushrooms marshmallows which made me put that together, along with some other behaviors, and I started to wonder.

Things after that evening started to happen here and there and began my questioning what was going on with her. However, whenever I voiced any concerns to people around me, I was told that I was reading more into something than I needed to.  In my heart I really knew something was amiss.

I had no education in dementia.  After this night, I began to research as much as I could about dementia issues and what can cause them. Of course I was constantly hoping that if my mom had a dementia issue, that it was caused maybe by something easily fixed such as an increase in vitamin B12 or perhaps a surgery.  I traced her history with anti-depressants and her behaviors after my father's early death in 1992. I didn't want my mom to have Alzheimer's, I wanted a doctor to find the problem and fix it so my mom could go back to being the mom that I knew from my past.

I will forever be grateful to my husband's family for everything over the years they have done for my mom. After all, my mom and I only had each other for family here. The rest of our family lived far away. The evening was fun.  We bought a cake and presents and had a great time!  My mom, as you can see, was very happy!  It makes my heart happy to see these pictures of my mom smiling and laughing because as her disease progressed it didn't often happen.

After this evening, my mom and I discussed the word loss over a coffee while we were crafting on her back porch.  She was also a bit worried herself. I asked her if I could go with her to the doctor and she said yes.  From that moment on, I was by her side at almost every doctor's appointment.  I guess you could say our Alzheimer's journey started in June of 2005.  Of course, in hindsight, it began earlier but officially it began, at Dr. Kelley's office in June of 2005.

Where I Get My Crafting Mojo!

For as long as I can remember, my mom made everything she could for us.  Not only did she cook from scratch, but she sewed all of my clothes when I was little.  She made all of our curtains and bedspreads.  My mom would stay up late at night to make doll clothes and other items for me for Christmas. She used to sew them or knit them! This picture was from October 1969 taken in our house in Baldwinville, Massachusetts.  Her record player can be seen over her right shoulder. In my quest to be just like my mom, I received my very first sewing machine in December of 1969.  I am 8 years old here. Try as I might, I never could master sewing like my mom! Of course all of her sewing caused her to have Carpal Tunnel issues and subsequent surgies over the years in both wrists.  I never heard her complain though that the sewing and crafting was not worth it.

With AD, one can look backwards and pinpoint some flags that maybe were signs that something was amiss. When my mom could not longer thread her sewing machine, have the patience to sew her plastic canvas crafts, or follow her crochet patterns, it may have been the disease starting to appear.  Easy to say now but as I think back I wonder. She and I used to sit for hours and either crochet, knit, or make plastic canvas projects.  When she no longer could do that, I really started to think something was not quite right but having had no experience with AD at that time, I thought that it was just a phase.

At the time of my First Communion, I was less than happy that my mom made my dress AND my coat! We didn't have the money to buy new items and sewing was much cheaper.

Today I realize how much love she had for me to make these for me so that I would have beautiful clothes.  I hope she knows how much I really do appreciate all she has done over the years for me.

My mom now doesn't really interact with me much when I visit. I would often leave and cry all the way home in my car.  Then 'suck it up' once I got home and continue on with my day.  However, recently I started packing my crocheting in my car to bring with me when I visit.  I get a cup of coffee from the lobby and take it wiht me and sit with my mom at a table and pretend we are in her kitchen.  I crochet and drink my coffee and talk to my mom, whether or not she seems to know what I am saying or not.  I tell her about my kids and grandkids and David.  I show her my crocheting.  I drink my coffee.

I do still cry in my car on the way home but it seems like it isn't as much or for as long.                                                              

Harder Than I Thought

I am finding it much harder than I thought it would be, to write down all of the thoughts that bounce around in my head! I started this blog to be able to keep track of the memories I have about everything my mom told me and of my life with my mom.  I also wanted to add in my own stories so that my grandchildren someday have a place to learn about their great-grandma and their grandma.  I guess in the back of my mind I am just worried that I will also develop Alzheimer's and I will not be able to pass my stories onto my grand kids.

Being remembered by our family is the most important thing we can leave behind. Ironically, I feel I would rather make memories than accumulate 'stuff'.  However, if AD steals my memories, I guess I want them to live on for my family to have. Recently I had a choice to get my engagement ring repaired or to spend the money elsewhere.  I chose to spend the money on trips that can make memories. That's how I roll I guess.

I can't tell you how many times I have started a post and left it to write another one.  I want them to be focused on a topic and when I find that I start babbling,  I stop and start again.  Similar to how I teach my students with their writing. Don't babble.  Well, if I start to babble, feel free please to tell me that I make no sense....leaving me comments will help me become better at what I am doing. For now I am going to take a page so to speak from my Writer's Workshop book on Narrative Writing and begin to break down my topic (watermelon) into seed stories.  Then I believe I will have more focus for you.  

Shopping-Shopping-Shopping!

Today I took my second grandson Back to School Shopping for the first time. While appreciating this milestone day, it brought back memories of all the shopping trips with my mom.  The earliest memory I can recall when I was shopping with my mom was when I was very small.  My mom would always buy her groceries on Fridays.  We would go to the store and then out to lunch for a treat.  I distinctly remember waiting for her to check out at a store that was located in the plaza where Staples now resides in Gardner.  I remember standing in the front of the store while she waited in the check out line.  I would ask anyone I saw if they would like me to sing for them for ten cents!  Some would pay me and I would sing. I don't remember what I sang but I do remember singing and my mother dragging me out of the store!  Wait....I think it was Christmas songs...As I type this I wonder just how much I embarrassed her....or did she think it was funny...I never really knew and I can't ask her now.

Fast forward to about 6 years ago.  I took my mom to the mall for the last time. My mom was officially diagnosed in July of 2006 with AD but it wasn't until probably about 2009 her doctor stopped her from driving.  I remember taking my mom out helping her to shop.  We went to Sears to find a bathing suit to wear in her pool.  I picked out several and brought her into the changing room and then I stepped out.  After all, she was my mom and I really thought she could try on a bathing suit by herself. To my dismay, I gasped when my mom came out of the changing room in her underwear to find me in Sears.  She had no idea that she was in her underwear....she was just looking for me.  I scooted her back in the changing room as fast as possible and grabbed one of the suits to purchase, helped her put her clothes back on, and we hightailed it out of that store.  At first I thought it was embarrassing to me.  Then I cried at home because I was so sad for her.  Then I realized, I just had to laugh. The other day it showed up on my Face book memories and made me laugh.  I wonder what those sales clerks were thinking when my mom was walking around Sears in her underwear.  However, I am sure that I embarrassed my mom, way more than she ever embarrassed me, over the years!

Goodnight Wichita Lineman-RIP

Alzheimer's doesn't care if you are famous.  It doesn't care if you have a lot of money or if you have little money. It truly doesn't matter how old you are. Yesterday's news of Glen Campbell's death due to complications from Alzheimer's Disease brought back so many memories for me to share. Glen Campbell was just one of the many country artists my mom listened to over and over and over. Music plays a huge part in an Alzheimer's patients life. Music is the one thing that my mom truly still enjoys the most to this day! I am blessed to know that she has an iPod with her own music. The staff can put it on for her when she needs to rest or calm down.

In many of my earliest memories, I remember my mom always having music playing in our home.  She and my dad were huge country music fans. Old time country such as Johnny Cash country music. Never a day went by when there wasn't music on in my house. My mom had radios, record players, 8 track players, cassette players, and at the end DVD players. Mom had a couple Glen Campbell records but mostly we listened to him on the various TV shows he was on. Later in life, she would buy every DVD collection she saw on tv!

When I was very young, after moving from PA to MA, my parents built a summer camp at the Templeton Fish and Game Club.  The camp was nothing special and basically a squared building with two bedrooms on one side, and unfinished bathroom, and a great room with a kitchen and living room all in one.  At night I would fall asleep listening to my mom's music as it played on her radio, always a country station.  There were no doors so it was hard not to listen to it.  I think that is when I became a fan of country music. One of my mom's favorite Christmas gifts was a 3 disc DVD player from my Aunt Karen. She had that player playing even up to the time I had to move her to the Alzheimer's Facility.  She didn't really know how to work it but would occasionally turn it on and accidentally it would play her music.

From my experience, if anyone is looking for a place for their loved one due to AD, find a place that has a lot of music.  Find a place where local people come in and sing or play instruments for the patients.  Try to make sure there is an iPod with music on just for your loved one.  My mom doesn't remember the words she wants to say.  She babbles nonsense when she talks to me. However, when she hears her favorite songs, she knows the words and can sing along!!! I watch her tap her feet and bob her head.  We are able to connect through the music and songs that she and I both remember and it makes for a heartwarming visit!

When You Don't Know Where To Start, You Should Start At The Beginning!

The earliest memories about my mom's early life I remember from all of the stories she has told me over the years explain many reasons why I feel even sadder that my mom developed Early On Set Alzheimer's.  My mom was the oldest of her siblings. Her mom, my grandmother Julia, died when my mom was 9 leaving behind one daughter and two sons.  My mom pretty much became the mom of the household at the age of 9.  It always made me feel sad to know that my mom really didn't have a childhood because she was the one to help take care of her little brothers. My mom told me if it wasn't for her grandfather, they would not even have had enough food to eat because her dad had a difficult time with alcohol and often didn't return home after payday. She would tell me that if it wasn't for her grandfather, then later her aunt and uncle, she probably would never have ended up marrying my dad and subsequently having me.  

There was no one to teach my mom how to take care of a house.  She told me stories about how she tried really hard.  One day she was doing the laundry and got her arm stuck in the wringer on the washing machine.  Her grandfather was there to help rescue her. Over the years she often would tell me about how lucky I was that I didn't have to do all of the chores she had to do when she was young.  I am pretty sure I probably rolled my eyes when she said it, but now I truly understand why she never really made me do chores!  I always thought it was because I didn't do them 'right'.  Even though there is some truth to that, I realize now as I tell her story, she didn't want me to feel like she felt all those years ago. My mom wanted me to be a carefree kid! 

Back to today........I am sure my mom would be happy today to know that I did a few chores around my own house. I defrosted my freezer and made sure to dry the inside before turning it back on.  I can still see her making the million trips up and down the stairs with boiling pans of water and for an instant today I could see her using the towels to dry the inside of the freezer before putting everything back inside. Next time I see her, I will tell her about it. She most likely won't even hear what I am saying, or she might not have a clue who I am, but maybe deep down inside her heart she will know.  So I will tell her. 

Welcome To My World! Living Life Without Regrets!

As we get older, we often look back on our life and think about all of the things we truly had wanted to do but just never took the time.  As I write this, I am reminded that the one thing I never did was to write a book.  Maybe I never wrote one because it takes me so long to make a decision about anything small, such as what to have for supper to anything larger, such as what flooring we should put in our kitchen. It has taken me at least an hour to choose the color and scheme for this blog. However, once I make a decision, I do stand by it without regret.  (Well, usually!)

This blog will afford me a way to destress from life's chaos as a wife, mom, grandma, and middle school teacher....but also because I am my mom's only lifeline to her past since she was diagnosed with Early On Set Alzheimer's Disease (AD) in her late 50's/early 60's.  My intent for this blog is to keep myself sane through the final stages of her AD and to put into writing the memories for her to pass down to her future generations, all of whom will not get to hear the stories from her lips. 

It will take me a little while to get the hang of 'blogging' here and I am sure I will need to edit over and over.  This is a new endeavor for me and I hope that I will improve as I share my stories.  I welcome feedback that is constructive and as long as it is, I will let comments be open.  

Thank you for stopping by!  I hope you will return.