Wednesday, September 20, 2017

Pieces of My Heart and the Guilt in My Brain!

There are many times when I leave after visiting my mom and I cry all the way home.  Today was no different.  My mom looks no longer like the mom that I knew for so long. She looks tired.  She looks very very tired.  As I sat with her today, I was looking for the sparkle she once had as she busily worked so hard to create beautiful memories for all of us. It is very ironic that those memories that she helped to create in my mind are probably the ones she has forgotten.
                           
My mom and my Aunt Karen are probably the strongest, most resilient, and most influential women that I have had for role models in my life. At one time my mom had so much love for us was so devoted to her grandchildren that she would work really hard to make sure that we had the best holidays.  When I was looking through pictures this morning, I came across this one of my aunt and my mom getting ready for Easter dinner one Easter Sunday.  My mom would make Easter baskets for every single person coming to dinner.  Not only did she have dinner perfectly prepared for us but on some occasions she would celebrate my birthday since my birthday often falls on or around Easter.  These two women are pieces in my heart that will remain there forever.  Today my heart feels like a puzzle with mixed up pieces.  I am missing these two women. Aunt Karen passed away two years ago but I still hear her voice in my head talking to me.  My mom, although still here on earth physically, is starting to move into those end stages that come with Alzheimer's.

I try to live my life so that I don't have regrets.  I try to make sure to avoid guilt because let's face it. Guilt drives us crazy and causes us so much stress it eventually causes health problems.  I've learned over the years to deal with guilt.
I was doing pretty good with tabling the guilt feelings for a long time.  However, today, I just wanted to sit with her longer.  I wanted so much to stay there and encourage her to nap while I stayed and held her hand or worked on my blanket. But, I had to leave because I have to go back to work.  Open House is tonight. Life sometimes just gets so busy.  I can't get there as often as I want and I can't do anything to help her more than I have been doing. Now's the time I wish I had visited her more when she was home.  I wish I had told her I loved her more when she was aware. For now, I will pick up the pieces of my heart, try my best to shake the guilt from my brain, and just finish my day.

5 comments:

  1. Cindy, this gave me goose bumps. You have to remember what a fabulous daughter you are to her...i am always impressed about that....she is blessed to have you there, and it's a blessing how you remember to talk about her life and what she always did and how she made life so special...i just thought this was beautiful to read...and made me remember how things changed for my mother many years ago, also....It is very difficult for you, i know, but you never have anything to feel guilty about, you are an awesome daughter...but, the illness is just so upsetting for family....you do a beautiful job with this writing you are doing..i think it will help others, too...Love, Bernie

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    1. Thank you for your encouragement Bernie! Today is a better day so far. I do pretty good dealing with guilt now because I am not the one taking care of my mom directly. Someday times though, it sneaks up on me when I least expect it and I think that is probably normal for sure.

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  2. Never feel guilty, you are a wonderful daughter. The mom you speak of in your blog knew how much you loved her.

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  3. We visited Ma more than anyone else! I feel like we went there everyday. Don't forget about all those times! We were there almost as much as we were at home!!

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    1. Jess, you are right! We were there a lot. That is why when she started to think that you guys were trying to be mean to her, it meant something was wrong. Hopefully people will understand that a sign of dementia and Alzheimer's is being mean to the people you love the most! What wonderful memories we have of going to Ma's!!!!!

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