Mama Never Told Me I'd Have Days Like This

My mom in 1960.  It’s a bit blurry but shows her sparkle anyway!

Yesterday's visit with my mom was bittersweet to say the least.  I am still trying to process the actual visit, trying to get my heart and my brain to at least agree on somethings. The positives from the visit were very uplifting.  My mom had had a shower and her hair was washed and looked really nice. Although it certainly isn't the style she always wore it, her hair looked beautiful. My mom's hospice care giver came and sat with us. It was so uplifting to see how much she loves my mom.  Erin calls my mom her 'Rosy Posy'....and my mom's eyes light up when she sees her.

People don't realize that just the act of getting a shower and hair washed at this stage of Alzheimer's is a major event in a patient's day.  Cooperation being the first battle because many patients don't like water and will fight it.  Erin said it is almost like my mom grows several arms and actually gives her (Erin) a workout when she tries to shower her or even just get her dressed.  Given the morning's events and the fact my mom just had lunch, my mom was dozing in her chair as Erin and I chatted.  It is hard to understand that something as simple as a shampoo and shower can wear someone out to the point of sleep.  

Just as fast though as my mom fell asleep, she woke up and smiled when she saw me. Her smiles, when I think she knows me, make my own heart swell with happiness.  I got out my iPad and tried to get her to look at pictures of my kids and grandchildren. She focused on a couple, so that was a good thing.  As soon as my mom awoke, Erin left us to our visit. When Erin told my mother she would be back in a little while, my mom actually nodded.  We looked at pictures, or at least I did and tried to get my mom to focus on them as I told her all about what was going on in the pictures. I always talk to my mom just as if we are sitting on her back porch having coffee and crafting like we used to do on a summer afternoon.

However, the saddest part of our visit came when it was afternoon treat time.  The activity aide made brownie sundaes for all of the patients.  She gave me my mom's, so I could feed her.  This was the first time that I have had to actually feed my mom the whole snack.  I have helped her before to hold her spoon or tip her bowl the right way, as she would always push me away.  If I even tried to put a spoon to her lips she would bat it away, but not this time.

When our children are small we look forward to all of the 'firsts'.  The first smile, the first laugh, the first words, the first foods.......etc. It is exciting to experience many firsts in our lives.  Our first day of school, our first dance, our first kiss.....etc. Firsts can be exhilarating and special.  Yesterday I realized that there are firsts that are not special and they also will leave a lasting memory.  There are firsts that are sad, but eventually you get used to them. Every step has been bittersweet. I knew the day would come, but I didn't realize how it would feel.  As I tried to get my mom to stop putting the block in her mouth and actually eat the ice cream from my spoon, I realized that it was a first.  For the past two days I have tried to process this.  I am pretty sure that the next visit, I am ready now to feed my mom a snack again. If she tries to put a block in her mouth, I am ready to accept its just who she is at this moment......and I am here to help take care of her for as long as she needs me. Afterall, for my whole life she has been here for me.  Now it's my turn to be here for her.