The Owl and the Cardinal Instead

         

In our house it is The Owl and the Cardinal, not The Owl and the Pussycat. This was the first Christmas since my mom passed away.  Knowing she was no longer physically here to be able to visit, made it even more difficult for me. Although 8 months have passed, and given that the pandemic is still holding us all hostage, it still is not an easy one.  Those of you who know me well, know that I believe in the power of cardinals and believe that they are a sign from God and our loved ones.  They have appeared at moments of uncertainty and made me stop and think....and in doing so, think of my family who is watching over me.  My mom loved owls. She collected them from all over and her house was filled with them. Every time I see an owl, I think of her. This was proven to me ironically, on the way from the funeral home to the cemetery as we followed my mom's casket to her final resting place next to my dad and brother. My family saw an owl in a tree along the wooded back roads drive.  We all immediately knew it was a sign that my mom was going to be ok and was watching over us.  After the funeral, we went to a local restaurant for lunch and sure enough, as we walked in the door, we saw tote bags with owls on them. 

Last week during all the stressful chaos of preparing for her family's holiday, my daughter witnessed two owls in trees on her way home from a quick last minute Target pick up run.  Later that day she also witnessed a beautiful cardinal out her window as she and my granddaughter were carrying on the tradition of making cut out sugar cookies.  Because of Covid, I only could attend via facetime but the cardinal helped me to make peace with the fact my mom was there watching over them and joining them in the tradition.  I am betting she was saying things though like, "There are too many sprinkles" or "Don't roll the dough out so thick."  She might have been cringing that the children were allowed to touch the dough....but then again, I would like to think she was realizing that children touching the dough was actually a good thing!  My children have many memories of going to "Ma's" house to make cookies, where my mom wouldn't let any of us touch the dough!  We were allowed to sprinkle sugars on them and bake them, but touch the dough? no one, even me could do it.  We even have a video of my oldest crying on the floor because he couldn't touch the dough and my mom just kept rolling it out and cutting the cookies out.  

One of my best friends gifted me with a tiny Cardinal a couple years ago and it sits on my mom's Christmas Village each holiday season.  I smile every time I unpack it to place it there. I think of not only my friend, Jane, but now my mom each year. It also reminds me of the fact her son beat cancer the year that she gave it to me.  Something that no one should ever have to endure.  Our oldest sons used to be best friends and we spent many years working together at Cub Scouts and PTO. Treasured memories I hope others moms get to experience. 

 A few years ago, my youngest gave me a worry stone with a cardinal painted on it.  I put it in my pocket during days of endless stressful work things when I go to school (bet some people didn't know that one)! It has been with me many times throughout this year.  It was with me many times when I visited my mom. It also made the travels to PA for my mom's funeral.  It has gone with me on vacation.  It goes with me many places. I keep it on top of my bureau ready to put in my pocket.  In fact, it is in my pocket right now. 

One of my most favorite presents this past Christmas was Cardinal Pajamas given to me by my daughter and her family. They were such a thoughtful gift.  I am sure there are many pj's out there that she could have chosen, but to choose ones with Cardinals, and for them to fit me, was just a special gift. 

While I have been missing my mom this holiday and missing family gatherings with my grandkids, I have clung onto the hope that my mom is watching over me.  I am sure she and my dad are have a grand time with all of the family and friends that have passed.  They send us reminders though that they are near.  Over the holiday, we captured pictures of an owl in our backyard at night, facing our house and just sitting on our lawn.  We have had our video camera outside for years and have never captured an owl.  Funny how it showed up now....right when I was missing my mom the most.  Funny how my daughter saw owls and how the cardinal showed up during the cookie making....funny, but is it really? 

As I end this holiday and move into a new year and hopefully a year full of family gatherings again, I would be remiss if I didn't share one of the most special gifts from one of my dearest friends, Jaime. There is a saying that says people come into your life when you need them most.  Jaime came into mine just when I was needing her most.  I had just moved my mom into Quabbin.  She has been my confidant, my advisor, and my best friend.  I will end with this.....the other side of the ornament at the beginning of this post.....a gift that I cried when I opened and I still cry when I see it.......because in my house it is The Owls and the Cardinals........

The Handwriting on the Wall

 As I was looking through my recipe box to find my Christmas recipes, I discovered the box didn't just hold recipes.  It held treasures that I took for granted until this year when I looked closely at the contents in the little wooden box my mom gave to me.  Writing things down is one of the ways to continue remembering family long as they are gone. Phases of our own lifetime are preserved within our own handwriting.  My recipe box, not only holds magazine clippings, and faded tattered and torn recipes, but a unique type of memory....my family's handwriting! I have voice mails and text messages saved on my phone from family members who are no longer with us.  Little did I know, I would love the writing in my little memory recipe box.   Children of today's generations, will I fear no longer be able to realize the impact handwriting has on us.  Many of us use computer's now to type.  Many of us keep things in our Google Drives or in the cloud. We have digital spread sheets and docs to write things on.  Handwritten items are going to become a thing of the past, unless we preserve them as important memories.  I know when I see something my mom or dad had written, it makes me think of them.             

One of my mom's favorite things to make at Christmas was her Peanut Brittle.  Although this recipe was typed originally during my phase of trying to type her recipes with a typewriter she gave me one Christmas, her handwriting is all over this recipe, something I will now treasure.  The making of her peanut brittle every year was a family tradition, from getting the peanuts in PA to making batches and batches of it and shipping it all over the country to family far away.  Sadly the day came when I had to lie to her and tell her I could not find her any peanuts and there was a peanut shortage because we knew she was no longer able to safely cook on the stove, let alone make peanut brittle while boiling sugar on a stove.  No other peanut brittle will ever taste the same.  However, I have her recipe and thanks to laminators, it will be preserved.  Some of the recipes I am sure she rewrote onto recipe cards at one time.  I recognize her writing on them, as they remind me too of the nights she would spend baking for us.                               

One of my favorite things was her Poor Man's Cake she would make.  I know it was my dad's favorite as well.  I personally loved her Chocolate Cake recipe that she use Miracle Whip as the salad dressing ingredient. It was the cake she would make for me on every birthday. I remember telling my husband about it and he thought I was crazy.  Who would put salad dressing in a cake.  Today we often put applesauce, so I guess one day my grandkids will think we are crazy!  This recipe was also in my mom's writing....something I treasure. 

I have been trying to duplicate her Turkey Dressing recipe now for a few years.  Nothing ever tastes the way you remember it as a child but I have come pretty close recently.  I found her recipe in her handwriting that I will now be able to follow.  When I think of holidays, I think of her dressing.  She would often make it in a casserole dish and serve it as other times during the year, not only at Thanksgiving.  She would use it to stuff a turkey too, and even was known for stuffing a rabbit for my dad.....since he didn't eat turkey!  She would purchase a whole rabbit from someone who raised them for food and cook it for him for Thanksgiving! Another recipe for me to laminate to save for sure!

One of the last recipes that brought tears to my eyes this Christmas was the one I found folded up at the bottom of a pile.  It was written in my Aunt Karen's handwriting!  Though I have never made her nut breads, I certainly remember them and I will treasure her handwriting as well.  

The recipes I will preserve and try to make for my family.  However, the handwriting I believe is mine alone to remember.  My grandchildren would not recognize it, but I do.  I will laminate them and pass them down.  Who knows, maybe one of them will decide to try and cook these things at some point for me when I can no longer cook myself.  Thus passing those memories again for future generations.

Time Doesn't Stop

I am realizing that it has been a long time since I have updated any posts on this blog.  I have several drafts from August to November that were just never finished.  I created this blog to help me to deal with the stress of being the sole caregiver for my mom, until the wonderful people at Quabbin took over her imminent care.  However, I also started this to write down the memories that were my mom, about my mom, were me, about me, etc so they could be preserved for my grandchildren one day.  Today as I sit here reflecting on the fact my oldest grandchild is 11 today, I am reminded that time does not stop.  It doesn't stop for us because we are in the midst of a pandemic.  It doesn't stop when things are hard or when times are easy.  It continues.  Time is a constant.  

I have recently looked in the mirror and it appears to me now that my grandmother, Grandmom Hogan, is looking back. If I hold my crochet needle, it is now her hands that I see as I create blankets for new babies. How did that ever happen?  Time goes by.  Life changes and we continue to move through it.  

It takes strength and faith to move through time.  Grandmom Hogan raised 10 children....9 redheads!  That alone had to take immense strength.  She buried her husband and two sons before she passed away.  She was always there for me.  I remember she always crocheted when she was watching television and would still be crocheting when she fell asleep.  The Christmas gifts she sent to use were the best.  She always sent the newest gadgets and appliances for my mom and the newest toys to me.  She was the one who purchased the big items that we needed.  When I got married, she bought my china and luggage.  When my first baby was born, she bought my crib.  When I think of her, I smile.  I am learning to smile when I look in the mirror or look at my hands and remember her.

My mom later settled into her role as the grandmother to my three babies.  She took over from Grandmom Hogan and started buying me the latest gadgets and appliances.  She made sure we had a washer and a dryer the first years we were married.  If there was something new, she bought it.  Christmas was a crazy event at her house, as were all holidays.  I think she stockpiled gifts for months ahead.  Other than the big items like that washer etc, I do not remember exactly what she bought.  I do remember though.....we were a family much love shared. I smile when I think of it now.

Nothing changed the fact that time moved on.  After my dad passed too young in 1992, my mom continued to try and be the constant grandma in our life until Alzheimer's took its hold on her.  After that everything I remember about her is measured in time again....the time I could keep her in her home, the time I had to 'rip off the bandaid' and move her to Quabbin because she took a walk and got lost. The time it took to get her on MassHealth and empty her house of a lifetime of memories.  The time she lived at Quabbin and I spent much of my time going there.  Lastly, the time she made the trip back to her beloved Pennsylvania....leading to the last time I got to spend with my adult children before Covid. I was sad about my mom, but I smile today because of the time I got to spend with my family.  

The world changed in March.....9 months ago if you are measuring it in time.  As I sit here watching the snow, I am reminded almost a whole year has gone by.  I am hoping that in the spring, we can all celebrate together again because......it is breaking my heart this year to have to celebrate these holidays virtually with my grandchildren and children.  I know there are people who will say, they don't care if there is a virus and they are going to spend the holiday with people because they deserve it.  There are people who think we are foolish to stay apart because of Covid. Everyone makes their own decisions about things and this is one virus my husband and I have decided we do not want to share as our holiday gift.  We want many more holidays after this one to celebrate.  We will spend our time on Christmas Eve with a Zoom party and hopefully maybe some facetiming on Christmas morning.  Time I am looking forward to and at the same time wishing it would pass quickly so we get closer to the spring.

No matter what we do, time will continue.  Time doesn't stop.  What does matter is how you use the time you have.  My grandmother and my mom used their time so wonderfully that I can remember their love and the love they showed to all of us.  As I wish my oldest grandson a happy birthday today, I am going to try and remember that it doesn't matter how old he is or how much time has gone by, it matters that we make sure that the time we are here, we make memories for our family after we are gone.  Then when time takes us away, our loved ones can remember with a smile. 

Dr. Seuss said it, "Don't cry because it is over, smile because it happened."

I am hoping to write more, to take the time to write again....perhaps now that my mom has been gone 9 months, it is time to continue to preserving memories.  I should say, I never stopped writing. I just never found the pictures to put with the posts. While the pictures are interesting, it is the actual memory and writing that is the most important for me.  I will write more but there may not be a picture each time. 

It is time to continue telling her story and mine.