They Call Her Ma!

Dave and Adrienne cutting their wedding cake!

On August 3, 2019, my oldest son married the love of his life. The wedding venue was perfect for them because they both love the outdoors.  Their 'first look' photos on top of a mountain were amazing.  Their ceremony took place at an arbor with a mountain in the background.  The reception was exceptional!  I can't say enough great things about the whole weekend.  What I can say is that it went by in a blink of an eye!  I vowed to take in every second and cherish every moment. I spent weeks trying to find the perfect Mother/Son dance song. I know it was a bit 'cheesy' for my son, but it meant something to me.  I also tried  really hard to etch everything in my memory, but it flew by and before I knew it we were packed and driving home. Thinking back a week a half now since the wedding, I know it will remain as one of the most wonderful memories of my lifetime. My new daughter-in-law said it was the happiest day of her life so far and that in itself sums it up perfectly.  The only thing that would have made it better for me would have been to have my mom there too to be part of her grandson's wedding weekend.  I  am sure Ma would have loved every second of it too.

My oldest son is my mom's first grandchild.  People say that no one has favorites when it comes to children, but often I wondered if my mom had an extra special place in her heart for her 'Buddy'. I am pretty sure my other two think so too.  My mom babysat Buddy when I finished college and when I got my first full time job.  At the time, my mom was a young grandmother.  People often mistook my mom for Buddy's mom instead of his grandmother!  Infact, my son started to call my mom 'Ma' because he always heard me call her Ma.  The name stuck and forever my mom is 'Ma' to my kids.  If they introduced her to a friend they would say she was their grandmother but they always called her Ma.

Waiting for the ceremony to start!

One time when Buddy was young, my mom and I took him to an amusement park near us.  My mom went to the concession stand to get us lunch and my son started crying and screaming that he wanted his Ma. Nothing peaks the curiosity of strangers as when a toddler in a stroller is screaming for his Ma and some other lady is wheeling him away!  Needless to say, we had to explain to many people that I was his mother and his Ma was his grandmother!

The name Ma stuck with our family and my parents became Ma and Pop. Two more grandchildren came along, Jess and Dan, and they too called my mom Ma. It helped to differentiate between my husband's parents, Grammy and Grampa too.

As will happen with every life, Buddy grew up, Ma called him Dave instead of Buddy, my mom grew older, life events took place. However Alzheimer's didn't take away the fact that when I sometimes tell my mom things about her Buddy, I am pretty sure I see sparkle in her eyes.  Yesterday I showed my mom the pictures from the wedding photographer. There were moments when I was pretty sure she smiled! I am not sure if she understands but if she does, I want to share these special times with her because I don't want her to miss them.  I would give anything for her to be with us during these events. I hope that she understands that.  I hope that she knows if we could have had her with us, she would have been there.  I can only hope, my mom knows that we all still love her!  I am pretty sure, she is very happy for her Buddy and his bride.  :-)

Every Moment Spent With My Mom is a Blessing!

Since my previous post a lot has happened in my little place in the world. First let me say though, my mom is ok, I am ok, we are all ok!

Sometime in July, my mom contracted a 'summer cold' and had a hard time kicking the virus. It was a pretty stressful time for me because I have never seen my mom look that sick before.  A cold to anyone else would not be a major thing to endure.  However, my mom was having a hard time coughing on her own to clear the junk a cold can sometimes create in your lungs.  Her color was gray to me and I was scared for the first time that she was not going to recover from this virus. I thought I had already been through the process of grieving for my mom as she used to be before this horrible disease. However my own emotions surprised me because I thought I was prepared for anything.  I couldn't sleep and I cried a lot off and on.  I am typically a very strong person when having to face any situation and found this to be a very unusual feeling. As my mom used to say when she was having a rough day, "I was a mess."  Well.....I was not just a mess, I was surly a hot mess!

At the time I was the most worried, I was suppose to be packing for our annual week vacation in York Beach, Maine.  I couldn't imagine leaving my mom to go for a week to the beach even though my children and grandchildren would be there.  Well, almost all of my children, because this year, my oldest son was getting ready to get married on August 3rd.  I wasn't only packing for a week vacation, but for the wedding as well, since we were leaving from Maine to go directly to the wedding weekend in NH.  I have this packing thing down to a science and usually have no problems at all, but every time I tried to pack, all I could imagine was my mom being sick and me not being there for her.  I kept envisioning that she was going to die while I was away. I kept thinking she would die alone and wondering where I was.

Eventually, all the packing happened. My mom did seem a bit better and I had contact numbers for her hospice aide.  David (being super supportive) took me out for breakfast on our drive to Maine and then we settled into our routine of stopping for Pigs Fly bread and groceries from Hannaford. Although we couldn’t get into our beach house until 3:00, we made it to York and tried to acclimate into vacation mode. Still my mind raced with worry about my mom, worry about everything going perfectly for the wedding, making sure my 89 year old father in law would be comfortable with us for a few days, and wondering if I would find a beach rental for next year since ours was being sold. Contact with Erin, my moms hospice aide, helped ease my worry about my mom and I eventually made it through the week.  There were times I secretly wanted to go home until the wedding.  I’ve never felt that way when we are there. I understand now it was just the anxiety of being far away from my mom, mixed with anticipation of getting to the wedding venue and worry about helping to take care of my FIL while we were there because we really had no one to help out. On our last morning, we packed the car in the craziest, unorganized manner we have ever done and headed to NH.  (Next post I promise will be about wedding!!!)  Once the the wedding was behind us, we ventured home. I finally was able to sleep and slept until 9:00 the next morning.  After checking in to hear my mom was doing well, I tried to unpack and reorganize everything.

I planned an after lunch visit with my mom to tell her all about the wedding and our vacation, but she could not wake up. She looked so tired.  She looked less pale and gray but so tired and small.  Just sitting with her was good though and  I finally told the aides she needed a nap and I left to return the next morning.  I returned the next morning just before lunch.  This time I had the pleasure of feeding her lunch!  If you read my blog post from July you will know that I was upset when I had to first feed my mom, but now it was a good thing.  I was able to get her to eat her spaghetti and meatballs.  I talked to her all about how much she and I would eat pasta every night when my dad was away on business.  She seemed happy while I was feeding her.  I realize now that it's ok.  I can feed her.  I feel happy to do so.

I am hoping that when my mom gets sick again, I will be able to be more help to her.  I am hoping now that since the first time is behind me, I will be ok.  I am pretty sure I will be ok.  I know she is ok. I know that every moment spent with my mom is a blessing!