Lions and Tigers and Bears! Oh My!

Lions and Tigers and Bears! Oh My!  Well, I guess I could say, Guilt and Selfish yet Gratitude! Oh My!  Yup.....yesterday was Mother's Day.  Pictures of mothers and their children were all over Facebook and Instagram, just a finger tip away from me.  Texts were going out all over the world with Happy Mother's Day words.  There were daughters thanking their moms.  There were moms thanking their children.  There were moms missing their own moms. There were children missing their moms.

And what was I doing?  Selfishly drinking an expensive brand of coffee, eating fruit salad I purchased already cut up, scrambled eggs my husband made for me, and leftover cinnamon buns (from Easter). Knowing we had to be an hour away at my niece's house for my nephew's birthday, I did the laundry, prepped lunch for the week, did my routine chores and fell asleep in my chair around 9:30 pm on Saturday night.  I never got up until close to 9:00 am yesterday.  I had a choice, rush to visit my mom around 11:00 when I knew she would be awake or wait until a day when I could go after school and see her (since today I had a school site visit and medical appt).  I chose to wait until Wednesday.

Well......and.....then......you know what happened!  I start to feel guilty for NOT feeling guilty!  I guess is it a never win situation.  I know I easily could have squeezed it in.  After all, this was only the second time I can remember in ages that I was not entertaining everyone at my house for Mother's Day.  I always do it.  I went from entertaining my mom, to entertaining my family and my own daughter, and I loved every second of it.  I still will when I do it again....however, this one day, this one Mother's Day...I was exhausted.  So, I practiced what everyone says to do...take care of me first this time.  I am sure there are naysayers out there.  However, it does not mean I do not love my mom.  It does not mean I do not feel so blessed that she is still alive and I am able to visit her.  It just means that I was in need of a large amount of rest.

I have plenty of other things to feel guilty about regarding my mom.  For example, before I had to whisk her away to the nursing home (a blog post for another day), I had only had one of her cataracts fixed. She was so confused and so upset by the whole procedure to fix the one we had done that I just couldn't bring myself to do the other one. I also didn't pay to get the procedure where she wouldn't need reading glasses.  I made the decision that if she didn't need the glasses, that she had had her whole life, she would be very confused and always searching for them.  I feel bad about that every time I attempt to get her to focus on something I want to show her.  She doesn't wear them anymore, nor does she even know that she is suppose to be wearing them.  My mom's in her own world, as world where she doesn't have glasses even though she needs them still.

Once settled in the nursing home, she had a growth start near her nose.  I made the decision after talking with other health care people experienced with Alzheimer's patients and I did not choose to have it removed.  Every time I see her now, I feel so guilty about it since it has grown.  It is too late to do anything now.  She never would understand, just as she never would have understood a few years ago either.  I never wanted to wish her more confusion and pain.  I make all of these decisions myself, with the help from health care providers.  I do the best I can.  I try to make sure my mom feels no pain, no more confusion than necessary, and no sadness.

I pray she isn't confused that yesterday was Mother's Day and I did not visit her.  I prayed for her and thought about her all day long. I watched my grandchildren play with their cousins at the party.  I talked to both of my sons on the phone.  I saw my own daughter at my niece's house.  All the while, I was wishing that my mom was there with us. 

Sometimes though, we all just have to give ourselves a little break.

Mothers, Daughters, and Mother's Day!

In two days it will be Mother's Day 2019.  As I sit here on the Friday Eve before Mother's Day weekend and watch out the window as the rain drizzles in my front yard, I am transported back to the earliest Mother's Days I can remember with my mom.  Somewhere around the time I was maybe 8 or 9, my parents joined a local fish and game club.  They quickly made friends with many people and began to search for a building lot to build a camp on the pond where the clubhouse was located.  Entertainment in those days involved dinners and dances at the club, as well as, friends with already built camps, inviting families over for cook outs and fun weekend times.  On Mother's Day all of the men would be in charge of cooking for their wives. I can remember one time when dads all gave their wives a red rose.  It was always chilly and drizzling.  My mom was so happy on those days.  I can still see the smile on her face.  Eventually we built our own camp on the pond and spent weekends and summers with the friends that my parents had made. 

By the time I turned 15, my parents were looking at selling the camp and building their dream home.  They found a building lot and built a large gambrel with a two car garage.  They sold the tiny house we lived in with no cellar and no attic, as well as, the camp, and we moved into their dream home a few miles from the pond.  At the age of 16, I took over Mother's Day for my mom.  I tried to make the holiday special for her because I knew she deserved it.  She was my mom after all!  However, I could barely cook but I tried to make her breakfast in bed each Mother's Day. She would cook our dinner then I would clean up the dishes. 

When it came to the gifts, I never quite seemed to pick out the right gifts for my mom.  I really feel she was always disappointed but maybe she wasn't. The year I got married, at the age of 20, I started to cook for her. Meals weren't the best and I am not sure the gifts were that great, but I tried.  I remember trying to pick out jewelry and sometimes clothes.  I mostly remember gift certificates and sometimes flowers. 

Mom on Mother's Day around 1998??

As my children grew up, I still had everyone over for Mother's Day.  I made dinner for my mom, as well as, my whole family.  Being together has always been a real gift for me and cooking for everyone has always been a pleasure. My mom would always buy me a Mother's Day card and include a check for me to get something special. While I no longer get a card from my mom and I now have even stopped giving my mom a card, I have tried to continue that tradition by giving my own daughter a gift on Mother's Day too. (Shhhhhh......  Her card and gift is waiting here for Sunday when I get to see her.)

The last Mother's Day that my mom spent with us before she had to go to the nursing home, I remember clearly.  I had everyone over.  My son picked her up and brought her to our house because she could not longer drive.  I bought her a new Debbie Macomber book.  She had loved to read but I suspected she only now would look at the cover of the books.  My mom opened her book and was really excited.  Then she put the book down and about 5 minutes later saw it on the table.  My mom picked it up and asked me if it was a new book. Then she asked me if she could borrow it when I was finished reading it.  I remember telling her that it was her book, that I had given it to her.  She picked it up, hugged it to her chest, and said oh I love Debbie Macomber.  Then my mom put it back down on the table.  You can guess what happened about five more times.  After about 5 minutes, she would pick it up and be so excited at seeing the new book.  I would tell her it was hers. She would hug it and put it down.  I finally moved the book and put it in another room.  My mom never saw it or asked about it after that. 

I would love to say that she took it home and read it, then passed it to me, as we often shared new books.  However, by the end of that day, I realized sending it home with her would only continue a cycle.  I kept the book and read it.  I placed it on my own bookshelf and then a year ago, I gave it away. 

If you are blessed to have your mom still, if you are blessed to have daughters or daughter in laws with children, wish them a Happy Mother's Day.

Don't Blink

Time itself can be a strange thing. Our lives are spent tracking the time around us in many different ways.  When we are young we cannot wait for time to pass so we can grow older.  When we are finally old enough to begin doing 'adult' things, we feel time will last forever.  However, in a blink of an eye, we age significantly and wish time could slow down, perhaps even stop for a while, or just last.

Arriving at my Bridal Shower

When I was younger, I couldn't wait to grow up, get married, and raise a family of my own. I was as traditional as could be! I met David when I was in high school when I was 15 and he was 18. We have been together since.  My mom and dad were very happy when I told them that we were getting married.  Even though I was only 20 and still in college, they stood behind us in our decision. This June we will celebrate our 38th Wedding Anniversary, weathering many storms along the way.

Unfortunately, I guess I blinked at some point because before I knew it, on Saturday, April 27, 2019, I witnessed my oldest son, Dave, and his fiance, Adrienne, arriving at her bridal shower. It was a beautiful shower and we all had a wonderful time celebrating Adrienne. The day was filled with wedding talk and happiness.  I couldn't have been a prouder mother-of-the groom that day.

Adrienne and Dave 4/27/2019

However, in the back of my mind, I kept thinking about the speed of time. It seemed that back in 1981, we had all the time in the world.  My mom was a huge part of my shower and had helped me with everything. As I was watching Adrienne open the many gifts from family and friends, I just couldn't help but feel a twinge of sadness that my own mom couldn't be there to share in the moment with her first grandson.

It is hard for someone who hasn't gone through Alzheimer's to understand the weight of loss that a person feels when time continues to march on, milestones still occur, and new memories are created.  There is a difference between my dad and my mother-in-law not being here to share the day because they both passed away too soon.  Although I mourn the loss of them both deeply, it just isn't the same because my mom is alive and trapped in a time warp of her own.  Physically, she is still here.  If she understood even a little bit, I could have taken her to the shower.  However, she doesn't have any idea of time passing on around her. It is even very rare now for anyone to even inquire about her as if she has already passed on.  Initially, I was very bitter about this, but over the past 6 years, I learned to accept that everyone handles things in a different way.  Not that I don't have my moments when I get a bit angry about it, but I am finally at peace with the idea that to many, my mom has passed on......not away, but on.....

Ironically, the last family event she attended was her only granddaughter's Bridal Shower in May of 2011.  One of her wonderful caregivers, that helped me out a lot, brought her to the shower so she could physically share in the day while I could be fully present for my daughter.  I know my mom had no understanding about why she was there. However, she was physically there.  She never made it to the wedding celebration, because I had to move her to the nursing home June 5, 2011, making that shower her last family celebration.

Time.....time marches on and is responsible for so many things in our lives.  Time heals all wounds, or so 'they' say.  Give things time and they will work out.  What I know now about time is that we don't know how much we have so we need to live our lives like we don't have time to wait until tomorrow. We need to enjoy today in anyway we can, from the big things like wedding showers, to the small things like a cup of tea! I tried to share some pictures of the shower with my mom today. Today she wasn't very focused on paying attention, but I know she was listening. When I left my mom, I hugged her like I always do.  I told her I loved her and that I would be back as soon as I could. I will try to show her some more pictures.....next time..........