Don't Blink

Time itself can be a strange thing. Our lives are spent tracking the time around us in many different ways.  When we are young we cannot wait for time to pass so we can grow older.  When we are finally old enough to begin doing 'adult' things, we feel time will last forever.  However, in a blink of an eye, we age significantly and wish time could slow down, perhaps even stop for a while, or just last.

Arriving at my Bridal Shower

When I was younger, I couldn't wait to grow up, get married, and raise a family of my own. I was as traditional as could be! I met David when I was in high school when I was 15 and he was 18. We have been together since.  My mom and dad were very happy when I told them that we were getting married.  Even though I was only 20 and still in college, they stood behind us in our decision. This June we will celebrate our 38th Wedding Anniversary, weathering many storms along the way.

Unfortunately, I guess I blinked at some point because before I knew it, on Saturday, April 27, 2019, I witnessed my oldest son, Dave, and his fiance, Adrienne, arriving at her bridal shower. It was a beautiful shower and we all had a wonderful time celebrating Adrienne. The day was filled with wedding talk and happiness.  I couldn't have been a prouder mother-of-the groom that day.

Adrienne and Dave 4/27/2019

However, in the back of my mind, I kept thinking about the speed of time. It seemed that back in 1981, we had all the time in the world.  My mom was a huge part of my shower and had helped me with everything. As I was watching Adrienne open the many gifts from family and friends, I just couldn't help but feel a twinge of sadness that my own mom couldn't be there to share in the moment with her first grandson.

It is hard for someone who hasn't gone through Alzheimer's to understand the weight of loss that a person feels when time continues to march on, milestones still occur, and new memories are created.  There is a difference between my dad and my mother-in-law not being here to share the day because they both passed away too soon.  Although I mourn the loss of them both deeply, it just isn't the same because my mom is alive and trapped in a time warp of her own.  Physically, she is still here.  If she understood even a little bit, I could have taken her to the shower.  However, she doesn't have any idea of time passing on around her. It is even very rare now for anyone to even inquire about her as if she has already passed on.  Initially, I was very bitter about this, but over the past 6 years, I learned to accept that everyone handles things in a different way.  Not that I don't have my moments when I get a bit angry about it, but I am finally at peace with the idea that to many, my mom has passed on......not away, but on.....

Ironically, the last family event she attended was her only granddaughter's Bridal Shower in May of 2011.  One of her wonderful caregivers, that helped me out a lot, brought her to the shower so she could physically share in the day while I could be fully present for my daughter.  I know my mom had no understanding about why she was there. However, she was physically there.  She never made it to the wedding celebration, because I had to move her to the nursing home June 5, 2011, making that shower her last family celebration.

Time.....time marches on and is responsible for so many things in our lives.  Time heals all wounds, or so 'they' say.  Give things time and they will work out.  What I know now about time is that we don't know how much we have so we need to live our lives like we don't have time to wait until tomorrow. We need to enjoy today in anyway we can, from the big things like wedding showers, to the small things like a cup of tea! I tried to share some pictures of the shower with my mom today. Today she wasn't very focused on paying attention, but I know she was listening. When I left my mom, I hugged her like I always do.  I told her I loved her and that I would be back as soon as I could. I will try to show her some more pictures.....next time..........