And what was I doing? Selfishly drinking an expensive brand of coffee, eating fruit salad I purchased already cut up, scrambled eggs my husband made for me, and leftover cinnamon buns (from Easter). Knowing we had to be an hour away at my niece's house for my nephew's birthday, I did the laundry, prepped lunch for the week, did my routine chores and fell asleep in my chair around 9:30 pm on Saturday night. I never got up until close to 9:00 am yesterday. I had a choice, rush to visit my mom around 11:00 when I knew she would be awake or wait until a day when I could go after school and see her (since today I had a school site visit and medical appt). I chose to wait until Wednesday.
Well......and.....then......you know what happened! I start to feel guilty for NOT feeling guilty! I guess is it a never win situation. I know I easily could have squeezed it in. After all, this was only the second time I can remember in ages that I was not entertaining everyone at my house for Mother's Day. I always do it. I went from entertaining my mom, to entertaining my family and my own daughter, and I loved every second of it. I still will when I do it again....however, this one day, this one Mother's Day...I was exhausted. So, I practiced what everyone says to do...take care of me first this time. I am sure there are naysayers out there. However, it does not mean I do not love my mom. It does not mean I do not feel so blessed that she is still alive and I am able to visit her. It just means that I was in need of a large amount of rest.
I have plenty of other things to feel guilty about regarding my mom. For example, before I had to whisk her away to the nursing home (a blog post for another day), I had only had one of her cataracts fixed. She was so confused and so upset by the whole procedure to fix the one we had done that I just couldn't bring myself to do the other one. I also didn't pay to get the procedure where she wouldn't need reading glasses. I made the decision that if she didn't need the glasses, that she had had her whole life, she would be very confused and always searching for them. I feel bad about that every time I attempt to get her to focus on something I want to show her. She doesn't wear them anymore, nor does she even know that she is suppose to be wearing them. My mom's in her own world, as world where she doesn't have glasses even though she needs them still.Once settled in the nursing home, she had a growth start near her nose. I made the decision after talking with other health care people experienced with Alzheimer's patients and I did not choose to have it removed. Every time I see her now, I feel so guilty about it since it has grown. It is too late to do anything now. She never would understand, just as she never would have understood a few years ago either. I never wanted to wish her more confusion and pain. I make all of these decisions myself, with the help from health care providers. I do the best I can. I try to make sure my mom feels no pain, no more confusion than necessary, and no sadness.
I pray she isn't confused that yesterday was Mother's Day and I did not visit her. I prayed for her and thought about her all day long. I watched my grandchildren play with their cousins at the party. I talked to both of my sons on the phone. I saw my own daughter at my niece's house. All the while, I was wishing that my mom was there with us.
Sometimes though, we all just have to give ourselves a little break.
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