The Handwriting on the Wall

 As I was looking through my recipe box to find my Christmas recipes, I discovered the box didn't just hold recipes.  It held treasures that I took for granted until this year when I looked closely at the contents in the little wooden box my mom gave to me.  Writing things down is one of the ways to continue remembering family long as they are gone. Phases of our own lifetime are preserved within our own handwriting.  My recipe box, not only holds magazine clippings, and faded tattered and torn recipes, but a unique type of memory....my family's handwriting! I have voice mails and text messages saved on my phone from family members who are no longer with us.  Little did I know, I would love the writing in my little memory recipe box.   Children of today's generations, will I fear no longer be able to realize the impact handwriting has on us.  Many of us use computer's now to type.  Many of us keep things in our Google Drives or in the cloud. We have digital spread sheets and docs to write things on.  Handwritten items are going to become a thing of the past, unless we preserve them as important memories.  I know when I see something my mom or dad had written, it makes me think of them.             

One of my mom's favorite things to make at Christmas was her Peanut Brittle.  Although this recipe was typed originally during my phase of trying to type her recipes with a typewriter she gave me one Christmas, her handwriting is all over this recipe, something I will now treasure.  The making of her peanut brittle every year was a family tradition, from getting the peanuts in PA to making batches and batches of it and shipping it all over the country to family far away.  Sadly the day came when I had to lie to her and tell her I could not find her any peanuts and there was a peanut shortage because we knew she was no longer able to safely cook on the stove, let alone make peanut brittle while boiling sugar on a stove.  No other peanut brittle will ever taste the same.  However, I have her recipe and thanks to laminators, it will be preserved.  Some of the recipes I am sure she rewrote onto recipe cards at one time.  I recognize her writing on them, as they remind me too of the nights she would spend baking for us.                               

One of my favorite things was her Poor Man's Cake she would make.  I know it was my dad's favorite as well.  I personally loved her Chocolate Cake recipe that she use Miracle Whip as the salad dressing ingredient. It was the cake she would make for me on every birthday. I remember telling my husband about it and he thought I was crazy.  Who would put salad dressing in a cake.  Today we often put applesauce, so I guess one day my grandkids will think we are crazy!  This recipe was also in my mom's writing....something I treasure. 

I have been trying to duplicate her Turkey Dressing recipe now for a few years.  Nothing ever tastes the way you remember it as a child but I have come pretty close recently.  I found her recipe in her handwriting that I will now be able to follow.  When I think of holidays, I think of her dressing.  She would often make it in a casserole dish and serve it as other times during the year, not only at Thanksgiving.  She would use it to stuff a turkey too, and even was known for stuffing a rabbit for my dad.....since he didn't eat turkey!  She would purchase a whole rabbit from someone who raised them for food and cook it for him for Thanksgiving! Another recipe for me to laminate to save for sure!

One of the last recipes that brought tears to my eyes this Christmas was the one I found folded up at the bottom of a pile.  It was written in my Aunt Karen's handwriting!  Though I have never made her nut breads, I certainly remember them and I will treasure her handwriting as well.  

The recipes I will preserve and try to make for my family.  However, the handwriting I believe is mine alone to remember.  My grandchildren would not recognize it, but I do.  I will laminate them and pass them down.  Who knows, maybe one of them will decide to try and cook these things at some point for me when I can no longer cook myself.  Thus passing those memories again for future generations.

Grief Isn't the Only Thing that Comes in Waves

I have always loved when people start a statement with "they".  There is a joke in my husband's family that we ask who is they and the answer is "oh those guys on Barthel Avenue."  Well, "They" say grief comes in waves and I believe whoever said it first, said the truth.  Many days I feel ok with my mom's passing. However, on days like today....the anniversary of when I 'moved' her to the nursing home, I feel it most.  I know that I did the right thing. I know that I had no choice, especially when the state said she had to have 24/7 care.  My brain knows it.  The problem came when in order to do it, I had to trick her.  I guess trick is a word to make me feel better.  What I had to do was lie to her.  I told her that Dr. Kelley was sending her to a special hospital to see why she had pain in her foot. Thankfully, Quabbin doesn't have a sign that says it is a nursing home.  It says healthcare so I was able to pull it off.  I had to keep telling her the same lie over and over and it killed me.

After leaving her for her first night, I had to the go to her house and remove all of the items of value just incase someone should find out she wasn't there.  My son moved in to protect the house but I removed the Norman Rockwell Sketches, the signed prints, and other items that I felt I needed close to me.  For years I looked at the Rockwell pencil sketch handing in my sitting room with saddness.  Now I look at it with love knowing it was my mom and dad's.  But that day, June 5, 2013, it broke my heart to take it off her wall. My mom has now moved into her last home.  The home that she will always share with my dad and brother.  I had no hand in her last move.  I can now look at her sketch and signed prints with love.

I am going to try to remember that this day is also an anniversary of happy times.  39 years ago today, we held my wedding rehearsal. While we were rehearsing at the church, my mom was preparing a rehearsal dinner, (again, making food for everyone)!  It was a magical night because my wedding was going to be tomorrow. Because we had so many out of town family and guests, my mom had an open house buffet at her home for us.  I didn't want her to attend the rehearsal because I planned a special part of the ceremony I wanted to keep as a surprise for her and also for my mother in law.  As I walked down the aisle, I planned to give my mom a rose.  After the ceremony, before David and I walked together down the aisle, I was planning to then give my new my new mother in law a rose.  For that reason, I didn't want them to attend the rehearsal.  Seemed to be something small but it was meaningful and symbolic to me.

Talk about waves!  Grief comes in waves, but so does everything else! Today is a day filled with both happy and sad memories.  The ebb and flow continues but so does life.

80 Earth Birthday Years!

Milestones and holidays can be either happy or sad once a person becomes a memory.  Today I am filled with both happiness and saddness.  The time we are living in right now is one that we are all trying to figure out.  I am happy that my mom is not here experiencing Covid19, because she was through enough in her lifetime that made her sad.  I am unhappy, however, that she is not here so I can share her very special birthday in person with her. She almost made it. Today I would be bringing her ice cream and holding her hand, while I quietly sang Happy Birthday to her!  80 years!!!  What a lifetime!!!!

I am blessed today that her brother and sister in law went to visit her and brought her flowers.  Happiness and saddness both as I see the picture of her stone with 2020 etched in it now. 

Happy Birthday Mom!  I will always miss you and I will always love you! 

These Things I Know (and it ain't cabbage salad)!

Two weeks ago today as I prepared to say my finally goodbye to my mom, I began reflecting on this journey I began as an Alzheimer's daughter. I truly believed then and I believe now, my mom joined my dad early in the morning on February 1st.  She was with us only in spirit on that February 5th day, as we bid her farewell and brought her to her final resting place next to my dad and my big brother.  As a teacher by profession, we are taught the importance of on going reflection.  For the past several days, I have been reflecting on the past few weeks, as well as, the past years when I made the decision to stand by my vow to my dad to always take care of my mom.

When I started this blog, it was to supply myself with a place to write down my feelings, reflect on my actions, try to live without regrets and remember all things about my mom so that memories can be passed down to my family.  Looking back I have learned so much more about my mom and myself than I ever knew before. Someone asked me if I would continue writing now that my mother had passed and I wasn't sure.  However, I still have so many memories to share and so many things to say.  I believe I will.

Try as I might, I still have a few regrets, not many but I do find now through reflection I do have some.  I regret not being able to tell my mom earlier all of the things I told her during her last week here on earth with me  Why did I not say the words to her before then?  I told her how much I loved her and how much I was blessed to have had her for my mom, but she was not able to respond to me.  I know she was listening and I can only pray she knew what I was saying.  However, I regret not saying those things sooner. I do regret not hugging my mom more, but she was not the 'huggy' type. After finding out about her early childhood years, I believe I am aware of why and I will always respect that about her.  She showed me love in many other ways.

Many people would say at this time that they regret that they didn't visit more or they should have done things differently.  I am pretty sure I did the best I could.  I am pretty sure I tried really hard to balance being a good daughter to my mom along with being a good wife, mom, grandmother and teacher. There is a difference between regrets and missing times that have happened in the past. I miss many things about the many years that we had before Alzheimer's and I wish that the terrible disease never arrived to rob my mom of being the best great grandma ever. However, I don't regret my choices in her care.  In hindsight, it is easy to say what I should have done, but I am not so sure I could have done anything differently.

When I was concerned if I should stay by my mom's side throughout the rest of her days, my mom's most amazing hospice caregiver told me that my mom would pass when she was ready and if she wanted me there then it would happen with me by her side.  If she didn't want me there, then it would happen when I was not there. Each time I left her on those few days, I told her I loved her and all the things I never said before. Then I told her if she wanted to see me the next day, I would be back.  However, if she was ready to go be with my dad and brother, then it was ok. I believe those words that Erin told me, also instilled no regrets within me.  I truly believe that. I will be forever grateful to her for loving my mom and for helping me through those last days.

What I do regret is that I didn't appreciate my mom like I should have when it came to all of the wonderful things she did for all of the people she knew.  For example, I am now realizing I should have appreciated all of the amazing recipes she stored in her head.  I can only locate a few actual recipe cards of things that were her.  She had a recipe box filled with recipes from other people, but the recipes she made for us have for the most part passed with her. (Well, except for the cookie recipe that my dog literally ate one day.)

I tried to make her 'Pigs in a Blanket' yesterday.  I think I may be close to how she did it based on my memory.  I know I need to tweak it a bit but I may be close.  I am trying to track down someone that might know how she made her cabbage salad.  That is one that I cannot figure out yet, but I will. I contacted her cousin and I think I at least know where she learned to make it.  My favorite meal she made for me on my birthday was always meatloaf, scalloped potatoes, and tomato bread pudding. The tomato dish she created to use up stale bread by mixing it with her home canned tomatos and baking it with the meatloaf and potatos. I hope to figure them all out too.  I don't know why I never asked her to tell me or show me how to make them myself.  I guess I always thought there would be time or that she would always be here to do it for me.

Well after much reflection, I guess if my biggest regrets have to do with food, then I did an ok job. My mom used to tell everyone that she was going to spend all her money on whatever she wanted and then it would be up to me to figure everything out for her.  I guess I did that.  As I reflect now, I think I did a darn good job.  Right now I will go make a grocery list and see if I can buy some things to try and replicate some of those lost recipes then write them down for future generations!

Still Taking Care of Her Baby Girl

With a heavy heart, I need to share that on Saturday, February 1, 2020, after a few days of drastic decline and my blessing, my mom joined my dad in Heaven.  During these past two months I noticed more and more that my mom was tiring more frequently. It was increasingly difficult to find an oppurtune time to visit with her when she was fully awake.  Although she was still happy and smiling, she began to find food difficult to eat and her bed seemed to bring her more happiness that sitting in the activity room.  A rapid decline of 9 pounds during a four week period, led to her appearing so fragile that I just knew she was starting a journey to meet up with my dad and her baby boy.  Many people do not know that my mom had a baby boy before I was born.  He was born in May of 1960 but sadly died in my mom's arms in December of the same year.  My mom told me all about my  brother, Johnny, named after my father.  She told me all about how scared she was that I was going to die too, as she was pregnant with me when Johnny went to Heaven.  I was later born in April of 1961 without any health issues like my brother.

Losing a parent is never easy, but having a parent suffer with Alzheimer's for a long time makes the goodbye seem to last forever.  Someone told me that having someone with Alzheimer's in your life is like living with a long, long goodbye.  It is like grieving over every little decline.  While this was very true and I spent many car rides home crying until turning onto my road, the feeling at the end was just a new as if my mom didn't have Alzheimer's and just passed in her sleep.  It was, and is, still shocking to me.  I want more time with my mom.  I want more visits even if she can't talk to me or doesn't recognize me, 'her Cindy'.  Her passing was so quick that she didn't suffer for very long at all and was a blessing. However, it was so fast, I didn't have time to truly prepare myself.  

My mom was born in Scranton, PA and moved to live with her Aunt and Uncle in Tunkhannock, PA, when she was 12.  She didn't have a loving wonderful childhood between the ages of 9 and 12 because her mom died and she was left taking care of her two little brothers and her father, whom she never wanted to talk about with me. She would only tell me he was not a good man.  After highschool or during highschool, she met my dad. They married and settled into a large Inn in Lake Carey PA. I have vague memories of the house because we moved to Massachusetts when I was 6.  My mom was my biggest cheerleader and always made my birthday and all holidays special.  Once I grew up and got married, she made her grandchildren the center of her world and spoiled them too.  My mom would give you anything if she had it and you needed it. 

Through my grief last week, I didn't really realize it but my mom gave me one last gift that I will never forget. I told her how much I loved her and that it was ok for her to join my dad as he was holding her baby boy waiting for her.  I told her that I would always love her and that I just knew I would see her again.  I told her that I would be ok and that I have my husband, my children, and my grandchildren.  I kissed her forehead, gave her a hug, and then went home for the night.  I received the call at 4:25am the next morning that my mom passed in her sleep. While I struggled with the finality of it and thought about how my mom couldn't do things anymore with me, I didn't really think about she would give me a final gift.  

My mom is buried alongside my dad in PA. My husband and I made the trip down.  My oldest son flew down from his home in Vermont.  My other two children rented an SUV and took a nostalgic road trip. Our travels were different but we all stayed in the same hotel, on the same floor. We spent the first afternoon and evening together.  We went to dinner together at a local restaurant of my husband's choice.  We all squished in my husband's car. We then stayed up very late sharing stories and memories of my mom, their "Ma" as they called her.  We shared stories about our lives now and stories about when they were young.  They teased me about funny things they say I did or do and we had an enjoyable evening for as much as you can enjoy time the evening before your mom's funeral.  

The day of the funeral we met for breakfast and then met to drive to the funeral home.  The five of us went together in my son's rental car, with him driving.  They helped me get through one of the toughest days of life.  After the funeral we joined my mom's side of the family at "Cracker Barrel".  The food was good and the fellowship was even better.  We parted ways with extended family and returned to the hotel.  My cousins on my dad's side came over to our hotel and we talked for a long time.  They told my kids stories about me growing up (some I don't think are true!)  However, I will forgive them because they gave me the most beautiful bracelet with a cardinal on it that matches one they both have. 

After they left, we got back in the rental car and went to the casino together to honor my moem!  My mom loved casinos and slot machines.  She lived to play her slots! No matter what country she traveled to with my dad, she always searched out slot machines! We gave ourselves one hour to try our luck and then met up for supper again.  After a few drinks and some good food, we made our way back to the hotel.  Tired as we might be, we still met up again to 'hang out', have some snacks (I think only I ate the junk food) and some drinks before heading off to bed. Even though I missed my mom tremendously and I will forever...

I realized......my mom gave me the best last gift. Because of my mom, I got to spend time with my adult children.  The time we spent together was ours.  I love my grandchildren and I love my daughter in law and my daughter and other son's significant others, but this was like it was when my kids were little. Just the 5 of us.  Selfishly I enjoyed every second of having my children with me and my husband.  My mom gave me that gift by bringing us together.  Even though my mom joined my dad, she was still taking care of her baby girl by giving me the best gift ever!

They Call Her Ma!

Dave and Adrienne cutting their wedding cake!

On August 3, 2019, my oldest son married the love of his life. The wedding venue was perfect for them because they both love the outdoors.  Their 'first look' photos on top of a mountain were amazing.  Their ceremony took place at an arbor with a mountain in the background.  The reception was exceptional!  I can't say enough great things about the whole weekend.  What I can say is that it went by in a blink of an eye!  I vowed to take in every second and cherish every moment. I spent weeks trying to find the perfect Mother/Son dance song. I know it was a bit 'cheesy' for my son, but it meant something to me.  I also tried  really hard to etch everything in my memory, but it flew by and before I knew it we were packed and driving home. Thinking back a week a half now since the wedding, I know it will remain as one of the most wonderful memories of my lifetime. My new daughter-in-law said it was the happiest day of her life so far and that in itself sums it up perfectly.  The only thing that would have made it better for me would have been to have my mom there too to be part of her grandson's wedding weekend.  I  am sure Ma would have loved every second of it too.

My oldest son is my mom's first grandchild.  People say that no one has favorites when it comes to children, but often I wondered if my mom had an extra special place in her heart for her 'Buddy'. I am pretty sure my other two think so too.  My mom babysat Buddy when I finished college and when I got my first full time job.  At the time, my mom was a young grandmother.  People often mistook my mom for Buddy's mom instead of his grandmother!  Infact, my son started to call my mom 'Ma' because he always heard me call her Ma.  The name stuck and forever my mom is 'Ma' to my kids.  If they introduced her to a friend they would say she was their grandmother but they always called her Ma.

Waiting for the ceremony to start!

One time when Buddy was young, my mom and I took him to an amusement park near us.  My mom went to the concession stand to get us lunch and my son started crying and screaming that he wanted his Ma. Nothing peaks the curiosity of strangers as when a toddler in a stroller is screaming for his Ma and some other lady is wheeling him away!  Needless to say, we had to explain to many people that I was his mother and his Ma was his grandmother!

The name Ma stuck with our family and my parents became Ma and Pop. Two more grandchildren came along, Jess and Dan, and they too called my mom Ma. It helped to differentiate between my husband's parents, Grammy and Grampa too.

As will happen with every life, Buddy grew up, Ma called him Dave instead of Buddy, my mom grew older, life events took place. However Alzheimer's didn't take away the fact that when I sometimes tell my mom things about her Buddy, I am pretty sure I see sparkle in her eyes.  Yesterday I showed my mom the pictures from the wedding photographer. There were moments when I was pretty sure she smiled! I am not sure if she understands but if she does, I want to share these special times with her because I don't want her to miss them.  I would give anything for her to be with us during these events. I hope that she understands that.  I hope that she knows if we could have had her with us, she would have been there.  I can only hope, my mom knows that we all still love her!  I am pretty sure, she is very happy for her Buddy and his bride.  :-)

Every Moment Spent With My Mom is a Blessing!

Since my previous post a lot has happened in my little place in the world. First let me say though, my mom is ok, I am ok, we are all ok!

Sometime in July, my mom contracted a 'summer cold' and had a hard time kicking the virus. It was a pretty stressful time for me because I have never seen my mom look that sick before.  A cold to anyone else would not be a major thing to endure.  However, my mom was having a hard time coughing on her own to clear the junk a cold can sometimes create in your lungs.  Her color was gray to me and I was scared for the first time that she was not going to recover from this virus. I thought I had already been through the process of grieving for my mom as she used to be before this horrible disease. However my own emotions surprised me because I thought I was prepared for anything.  I couldn't sleep and I cried a lot off and on.  I am typically a very strong person when having to face any situation and found this to be a very unusual feeling. As my mom used to say when she was having a rough day, "I was a mess."  Well.....I was not just a mess, I was surly a hot mess!

At the time I was the most worried, I was suppose to be packing for our annual week vacation in York Beach, Maine.  I couldn't imagine leaving my mom to go for a week to the beach even though my children and grandchildren would be there.  Well, almost all of my children, because this year, my oldest son was getting ready to get married on August 3rd.  I wasn't only packing for a week vacation, but for the wedding as well, since we were leaving from Maine to go directly to the wedding weekend in NH.  I have this packing thing down to a science and usually have no problems at all, but every time I tried to pack, all I could imagine was my mom being sick and me not being there for her.  I kept envisioning that she was going to die while I was away. I kept thinking she would die alone and wondering where I was.

Eventually, all the packing happened. My mom did seem a bit better and I had contact numbers for her hospice aide.  David (being super supportive) took me out for breakfast on our drive to Maine and then we settled into our routine of stopping for Pigs Fly bread and groceries from Hannaford. Although we couldn’t get into our beach house until 3:00, we made it to York and tried to acclimate into vacation mode. Still my mind raced with worry about my mom, worry about everything going perfectly for the wedding, making sure my 89 year old father in law would be comfortable with us for a few days, and wondering if I would find a beach rental for next year since ours was being sold. Contact with Erin, my moms hospice aide, helped ease my worry about my mom and I eventually made it through the week.  There were times I secretly wanted to go home until the wedding.  I’ve never felt that way when we are there. I understand now it was just the anxiety of being far away from my mom, mixed with anticipation of getting to the wedding venue and worry about helping to take care of my FIL while we were there because we really had no one to help out. On our last morning, we packed the car in the craziest, unorganized manner we have ever done and headed to NH.  (Next post I promise will be about wedding!!!)  Once the the wedding was behind us, we ventured home. I finally was able to sleep and slept until 9:00 the next morning.  After checking in to hear my mom was doing well, I tried to unpack and reorganize everything.

I planned an after lunch visit with my mom to tell her all about the wedding and our vacation, but she could not wake up. She looked so tired.  She looked less pale and gray but so tired and small.  Just sitting with her was good though and  I finally told the aides she needed a nap and I left to return the next morning.  I returned the next morning just before lunch.  This time I had the pleasure of feeding her lunch!  If you read my blog post from July you will know that I was upset when I had to first feed my mom, but now it was a good thing.  I was able to get her to eat her spaghetti and meatballs.  I talked to her all about how much she and I would eat pasta every night when my dad was away on business.  She seemed happy while I was feeding her.  I realize now that it's ok.  I can feed her.  I feel happy to do so.

I am hoping that when my mom gets sick again, I will be able to be more help to her.  I am hoping now that since the first time is behind me, I will be ok.  I am pretty sure I will be ok.  I know she is ok. I know that every moment spent with my mom is a blessing!

Mama Never Told Me I'd Have Days Like This

My mom in 1960.  It’s a bit blurry but shows her sparkle anyway!

Yesterday's visit with my mom was bittersweet to say the least.  I am still trying to process the actual visit, trying to get my heart and my brain to at least agree on somethings. The positives from the visit were very uplifting.  My mom had had a shower and her hair was washed and looked really nice. Although it certainly isn't the style she always wore it, her hair looked beautiful. My mom's hospice care giver came and sat with us. It was so uplifting to see how much she loves my mom.  Erin calls my mom her 'Rosy Posy'....and my mom's eyes light up when she sees her.

People don't realize that just the act of getting a shower and hair washed at this stage of Alzheimer's is a major event in a patient's day.  Cooperation being the first battle because many patients don't like water and will fight it.  Erin said it is almost like my mom grows several arms and actually gives her (Erin) a workout when she tries to shower her or even just get her dressed.  Given the morning's events and the fact my mom just had lunch, my mom was dozing in her chair as Erin and I chatted.  It is hard to understand that something as simple as a shampoo and shower can wear someone out to the point of sleep.  

Just as fast though as my mom fell asleep, she woke up and smiled when she saw me. Her smiles, when I think she knows me, make my own heart swell with happiness.  I got out my iPad and tried to get her to look at pictures of my kids and grandchildren. She focused on a couple, so that was a good thing.  As soon as my mom awoke, Erin left us to our visit. When Erin told my mother she would be back in a little while, my mom actually nodded.  We looked at pictures, or at least I did and tried to get my mom to focus on them as I told her all about what was going on in the pictures. I always talk to my mom just as if we are sitting on her back porch having coffee and crafting like we used to do on a summer afternoon.

However, the saddest part of our visit came when it was afternoon treat time.  The activity aide made brownie sundaes for all of the patients.  She gave me my mom's, so I could feed her.  This was the first time that I have had to actually feed my mom the whole snack.  I have helped her before to hold her spoon or tip her bowl the right way, as she would always push me away.  If I even tried to put a spoon to her lips she would bat it away, but not this time.

When our children are small we look forward to all of the 'firsts'.  The first smile, the first laugh, the first words, the first foods.......etc. It is exciting to experience many firsts in our lives.  Our first day of school, our first dance, our first kiss.....etc. Firsts can be exhilarating and special.  Yesterday I realized that there are firsts that are not special and they also will leave a lasting memory.  There are firsts that are sad, but eventually you get used to them. Every step has been bittersweet. I knew the day would come, but I didn't realize how it would feel.  As I tried to get my mom to stop putting the block in her mouth and actually eat the ice cream from my spoon, I realized that it was a first.  For the past two days I have tried to process this.  I am pretty sure that the next visit, I am ready now to feed my mom a snack again. If she tries to put a block in her mouth, I am ready to accept its just who she is at this moment......and I am here to help take care of her for as long as she needs me. Afterall, for my whole life she has been here for me.  Now it's my turn to be here for her.

She's Floating Gracefully Like a Leaf

The 2018/2019 school year has finally ended for me and I am finally settling into a stress free summer vacation mode. I believe my blood pressure has returned to normal. I am hoping it will last at least until it is time to pack for Maine and for my oldest son's wedding!  If you've been reading my infrequent posts you know that what was going on in my work life was keeping me from the writing that is helping me to get through this Alzheimer's world I am living.

Yesterday I had a Care Plan Meeting at the nursing home for my mom.  These meetings are held every three months and I have faithfully been present at each meeting.  My hope is that I continue to be able to attend them because they are important for knowing how my mom is doing when I am not there daily to see her.  Again, I was told she is declining slowly.  Last time the wonderful nursing supervisor equated it to a graceful decline.  I picture in my mind an almost floating decline, as if a leaf was falling from a very tall tree and slowly swaying side to side as it gently falls to earth. My mom is that leaf.  The leaf that has lived on that tree and is not letting go of the tree. I am betting that the leaf was happy when it was on the tree and green but as it faded and became brittle, it was happiest knowing it had served its purpose and could return to the earth from which it came. 

Crocheting with my mom, like we used to do during the summer!

My mom is happy.  Anyone who knows my mom and is worried, my mom is happy!

The most important thing to me is knowing my mom is happy. For so many years after my dad passed, I know my mom was not happy. I don't know if it was the Alzheimer's starting to cause her brain to feel unhappiness or if it was the depression after my dad passed, but I know she struggled.  Oh, she had fun times to enjoy and she did have some great trips and adventures but I know she missed my dad more than anything in the whole world.  Right now, she is not struggling.  She is not fighting it anymore.  My mom no longer asks to go home and when she does, I wonder if she means home to her final home with my dad or to her physical house she remembers.  Even that, who knows what house she remembers.  

I recently read a post on Face book about living in the moment because if you do not, you miss life's greatest appointments.  I am not sure my mom ever got to live in the moment without worry until now.  At first when I sat down to write today, I worried about how I was going to focus on a blog post topic.  I am pretty sure I have found it.  My biggest message today is to live in the moment.  Look forward to the future but don't miss the present time.  I am hoping to get my writing mojo back now.  I recently stumbled upon a ton of old pictures and I want to document them and my memories of my mom and of my life for my grand kids.  As I organize them, I will leave you with this....

Although sometimes memories sneak out of my eyes and roll down my cheeks, they are not always sad.  As I sat with my daughter and grand kids Monday and drank iced coffee and watched the kids play, I remembered doing this with my own mom.  We would sit by her pool, work on crafts, drink coffee, and watch HER grand kids play.  There are many memories that are happy and make me smile when they enter my mind.  The important thing is to keep making memories. However, we cannot just keep them for ourselves or they will not serve any purpose.  Share those memories.  Share them with people who can then make them their own.  

"Don't be sad because it is over. Smile because it happened."  Dr. Seuss

Lions and Tigers and Bears! Oh My!

Lions and Tigers and Bears! Oh My!  Well, I guess I could say, Guilt and Selfish yet Gratitude! Oh My!  Yup.....yesterday was Mother's Day.  Pictures of mothers and their children were all over Facebook and Instagram, just a finger tip away from me.  Texts were going out all over the world with Happy Mother's Day words.  There were daughters thanking their moms.  There were moms thanking their children.  There were moms missing their own moms. There were children missing their moms.

And what was I doing?  Selfishly drinking an expensive brand of coffee, eating fruit salad I purchased already cut up, scrambled eggs my husband made for me, and leftover cinnamon buns (from Easter). Knowing we had to be an hour away at my niece's house for my nephew's birthday, I did the laundry, prepped lunch for the week, did my routine chores and fell asleep in my chair around 9:30 pm on Saturday night.  I never got up until close to 9:00 am yesterday.  I had a choice, rush to visit my mom around 11:00 when I knew she would be awake or wait until a day when I could go after school and see her (since today I had a school site visit and medical appt).  I chose to wait until Wednesday.

Well......and.....then......you know what happened!  I start to feel guilty for NOT feeling guilty!  I guess is it a never win situation.  I know I easily could have squeezed it in.  After all, this was only the second time I can remember in ages that I was not entertaining everyone at my house for Mother's Day.  I always do it.  I went from entertaining my mom, to entertaining my family and my own daughter, and I loved every second of it.  I still will when I do it again....however, this one day, this one Mother's Day...I was exhausted.  So, I practiced what everyone says to do...take care of me first this time.  I am sure there are naysayers out there.  However, it does not mean I do not love my mom.  It does not mean I do not feel so blessed that she is still alive and I am able to visit her.  It just means that I was in need of a large amount of rest.

I have plenty of other things to feel guilty about regarding my mom.  For example, before I had to whisk her away to the nursing home (a blog post for another day), I had only had one of her cataracts fixed. She was so confused and so upset by the whole procedure to fix the one we had done that I just couldn't bring myself to do the other one. I also didn't pay to get the procedure where she wouldn't need reading glasses.  I made the decision that if she didn't need the glasses, that she had had her whole life, she would be very confused and always searching for them.  I feel bad about that every time I attempt to get her to focus on something I want to show her.  She doesn't wear them anymore, nor does she even know that she is suppose to be wearing them.  My mom's in her own world, as world where she doesn't have glasses even though she needs them still.

Once settled in the nursing home, she had a growth start near her nose.  I made the decision after talking with other health care people experienced with Alzheimer's patients and I did not choose to have it removed.  Every time I see her now, I feel so guilty about it since it has grown.  It is too late to do anything now.  She never would understand, just as she never would have understood a few years ago either.  I never wanted to wish her more confusion and pain.  I make all of these decisions myself, with the help from health care providers.  I do the best I can.  I try to make sure my mom feels no pain, no more confusion than necessary, and no sadness.

I pray she isn't confused that yesterday was Mother's Day and I did not visit her.  I prayed for her and thought about her all day long. I watched my grandchildren play with their cousins at the party.  I talked to both of my sons on the phone.  I saw my own daughter at my niece's house.  All the while, I was wishing that my mom was there with us. 

Sometimes though, we all just have to give ourselves a little break.

Mothers, Daughters, and Mother's Day!

In two days it will be Mother's Day 2019.  As I sit here on the Friday Eve before Mother's Day weekend and watch out the window as the rain drizzles in my front yard, I am transported back to the earliest Mother's Days I can remember with my mom.  Somewhere around the time I was maybe 8 or 9, my parents joined a local fish and game club.  They quickly made friends with many people and began to search for a building lot to build a camp on the pond where the clubhouse was located.  Entertainment in those days involved dinners and dances at the club, as well as, friends with already built camps, inviting families over for cook outs and fun weekend times.  On Mother's Day all of the men would be in charge of cooking for their wives. I can remember one time when dads all gave their wives a red rose.  It was always chilly and drizzling.  My mom was so happy on those days.  I can still see the smile on her face.  Eventually we built our own camp on the pond and spent weekends and summers with the friends that my parents had made. 

By the time I turned 15, my parents were looking at selling the camp and building their dream home.  They found a building lot and built a large gambrel with a two car garage.  They sold the tiny house we lived in with no cellar and no attic, as well as, the camp, and we moved into their dream home a few miles from the pond.  At the age of 16, I took over Mother's Day for my mom.  I tried to make the holiday special for her because I knew she deserved it.  She was my mom after all!  However, I could barely cook but I tried to make her breakfast in bed each Mother's Day. She would cook our dinner then I would clean up the dishes. 

When it came to the gifts, I never quite seemed to pick out the right gifts for my mom.  I really feel she was always disappointed but maybe she wasn't. The year I got married, at the age of 20, I started to cook for her. Meals weren't the best and I am not sure the gifts were that great, but I tried.  I remember trying to pick out jewelry and sometimes clothes.  I mostly remember gift certificates and sometimes flowers. 

Mom on Mother's Day around 1998??

As my children grew up, I still had everyone over for Mother's Day.  I made dinner for my mom, as well as, my whole family.  Being together has always been a real gift for me and cooking for everyone has always been a pleasure. My mom would always buy me a Mother's Day card and include a check for me to get something special. While I no longer get a card from my mom and I now have even stopped giving my mom a card, I have tried to continue that tradition by giving my own daughter a gift on Mother's Day too. (Shhhhhh......  Her card and gift is waiting here for Sunday when I get to see her.)

The last Mother's Day that my mom spent with us before she had to go to the nursing home, I remember clearly.  I had everyone over.  My son picked her up and brought her to our house because she could not longer drive.  I bought her a new Debbie Macomber book.  She had loved to read but I suspected she only now would look at the cover of the books.  My mom opened her book and was really excited.  Then she put the book down and about 5 minutes later saw it on the table.  My mom picked it up and asked me if it was a new book. Then she asked me if she could borrow it when I was finished reading it.  I remember telling her that it was her book, that I had given it to her.  She picked it up, hugged it to her chest, and said oh I love Debbie Macomber.  Then my mom put it back down on the table.  You can guess what happened about five more times.  After about 5 minutes, she would pick it up and be so excited at seeing the new book.  I would tell her it was hers. She would hug it and put it down.  I finally moved the book and put it in another room.  My mom never saw it or asked about it after that. 

I would love to say that she took it home and read it, then passed it to me, as we often shared new books.  However, by the end of that day, I realized sending it home with her would only continue a cycle.  I kept the book and read it.  I placed it on my own bookshelf and then a year ago, I gave it away. 

If you are blessed to have your mom still, if you are blessed to have daughters or daughter in laws with children, wish them a Happy Mother's Day.

Don't Blink

Time itself can be a strange thing. Our lives are spent tracking the time around us in many different ways.  When we are young we cannot wait for time to pass so we can grow older.  When we are finally old enough to begin doing 'adult' things, we feel time will last forever.  However, in a blink of an eye, we age significantly and wish time could slow down, perhaps even stop for a while, or just last.

Arriving at my Bridal Shower

When I was younger, I couldn't wait to grow up, get married, and raise a family of my own. I was as traditional as could be! I met David when I was in high school when I was 15 and he was 18. We have been together since.  My mom and dad were very happy when I told them that we were getting married.  Even though I was only 20 and still in college, they stood behind us in our decision. This June we will celebrate our 38th Wedding Anniversary, weathering many storms along the way.

Unfortunately, I guess I blinked at some point because before I knew it, on Saturday, April 27, 2019, I witnessed my oldest son, Dave, and his fiance, Adrienne, arriving at her bridal shower. It was a beautiful shower and we all had a wonderful time celebrating Adrienne. The day was filled with wedding talk and happiness.  I couldn't have been a prouder mother-of-the groom that day.

Adrienne and Dave 4/27/2019

However, in the back of my mind, I kept thinking about the speed of time. It seemed that back in 1981, we had all the time in the world.  My mom was a huge part of my shower and had helped me with everything. As I was watching Adrienne open the many gifts from family and friends, I just couldn't help but feel a twinge of sadness that my own mom couldn't be there to share in the moment with her first grandson.

It is hard for someone who hasn't gone through Alzheimer's to understand the weight of loss that a person feels when time continues to march on, milestones still occur, and new memories are created.  There is a difference between my dad and my mother-in-law not being here to share the day because they both passed away too soon.  Although I mourn the loss of them both deeply, it just isn't the same because my mom is alive and trapped in a time warp of her own.  Physically, she is still here.  If she understood even a little bit, I could have taken her to the shower.  However, she doesn't have any idea of time passing on around her. It is even very rare now for anyone to even inquire about her as if she has already passed on.  Initially, I was very bitter about this, but over the past 6 years, I learned to accept that everyone handles things in a different way.  Not that I don't have my moments when I get a bit angry about it, but I am finally at peace with the idea that to many, my mom has passed on......not away, but on.....

Ironically, the last family event she attended was her only granddaughter's Bridal Shower in May of 2011.  One of her wonderful caregivers, that helped me out a lot, brought her to the shower so she could physically share in the day while I could be fully present for my daughter.  I know my mom had no understanding about why she was there. However, she was physically there.  She never made it to the wedding celebration, because I had to move her to the nursing home June 5, 2011, making that shower her last family celebration.

Time.....time marches on and is responsible for so many things in our lives.  Time heals all wounds, or so 'they' say.  Give things time and they will work out.  What I know now about time is that we don't know how much we have so we need to live our lives like we don't have time to wait until tomorrow. We need to enjoy today in anyway we can, from the big things like wedding showers, to the small things like a cup of tea! I tried to share some pictures of the shower with my mom today. Today she wasn't very focused on paying attention, but I know she was listening. When I left my mom, I hugged her like I always do.  I told her I loved her and that I would be back as soon as I could. I will try to show her some more pictures.....next time..........

Traditions of Easter

Any one who has had the pleasure of knowing my mom before Alzheimer's knows that holidays and entertaining were very important to her. When she was nine, her mom died.  She became pseudo mom to her two little brothers who were six and three at the time.  She often told me stories of trying to be the homemaker of the household.  She even had to learn how to do laundry, one time getting her arm almost caught in the roller of the old wringer washer.  My mom told me about having little food because my grandfather would go out and drink away his paycheck, leaving little for three small children.  Luckily, her grandfather helped out and took care of the kids as best he could. Sometime during her 12th year, she went to live with her Aunt Ann and was able to be just a regular teenage girl.  My mom told me once that it was her Aunt Ann that taught her everything!  Not only did she teacher 'everything' but she took her to church and that is where my mom developed her love of holidays!

My first Easter!  1962 Uncle brought me a bunny!

As the years went by, my mom helped me color eggs, she made me Easter baskets, and hid Easter eggs.  She and I would go to Easter Sunday Mass and then she would put the finishing touches on dinner.  We always had the same foods every Easter.  Ham, potato salad, macaroni salad, fresh kielbasa, marshmallow salad, pickled eggs, and cut up carrots, celery, and green onions.  I have no memory of desserts until my own children came along when I would provide a dessert for dinner.

My 2nd Easter! 1963 All ready for church!

My mom made every holiday special! There would be traditional foods and new clothes!  She and I attended church for many years together.  I can remember times when she would use bobby pins and pin tissues to my head because I didn't have hat to wear in church.

Mom made anyone who came to her house for Easter a special Easter basket. For many years she would invite my in-laws or my niece and nephews.  She would have special wrapped presents for everyone. As we all got older, I started to ask her not to give the kids as much chocolate. She started giving David a fruit basket and then she discovered Rice Krispie treats!  Knowing she just had to make sure we had a bunny in our baskets, she bought Bunny Chocolate molds and used them to make Rice Krispie bunnies, even wrapping them in special plastic wrap with ribbons and bows!

David, Jess (2), and Dave(5)

She only stopped hosting Easter when it became too difficult due to the fact she was exhibiting dementia symptoms and just couldn’t accomplish the necessary tasks any longer.  I started offering to bring more cooked dishes, even offering to make the mashed potatoes for her. Her response to me the second to the last year she made our dinner was that I didn't know how to make mashed potatoes and that they were always too runny!  At the time, I really was hurt and had a hard time with her comment.  Two years later she had no idea she had ever said it because she told me I made the best mashed potatoes.  In hindsight, we know why she said those things and now it doesn't hurt my feelings, it just makes me sad.

Unfortunately, one Easter we went to her house for our designated dinner time, only to find her just getting dressed with no dinner ready. She was just starting to cook and we ended almost two hours for dinner to be ready. This was definitely a sign that something was wrong because my mom had always been the ultimate entertainer and a very thoughtful planner for family holidays. That summer, I convinced her to start coming to my house for holidays.

My mom entered the nursing home in June of 2013.  Since then I have tried to include my mom's traditional food on our table.  However, very few people eat any of them, so I have started eliminating more and more of the dishes each year.  Sadly, two years ago I lost the bunny molds somewhere in my house.  It has taken me the two years to 'get over' the lost bunny molds. This year I bought items to cook my mom's traditional foods, but I didn’t make any.  I figured I was the only one who would eat them anyway, so I took the easy way out. I didn't need to eat a whole bowl of marshmallow salad or a whole ring of kielbasa. I did make my grand children and nephews Easter baskets and probably always will until they are grown!  I had David hide 39 eggs and everyone had fun helping the little ones look for them.

It was a great day, except for the waves of moments when I missed my mom and felt guilty for not visiting her on Easter.  Just at the right moment though, my father in law made my day.  As soon as I brought out the Rice Krispie squares, his eyes opened wide!  He announced that they were tradition!  He always remembered my mother making them!  He didn't say "bunnies"!  I guess if I don't find the bunny molds, Easter can still happen as long as we have Rice Krispie squares!!

Lifetime in a Box

I saw a post on Facebook a few weeks ago that said one day your children will want to see you in their old pictures, so make sure to be in them and not just be be the one taking them.  It made sense but I didn’t really think too much about it until yesterday.  School vacations are a great chance to clean some messy areas in my house.  The places where things get tossed to make the actual living spaces look better, because there isn’t enough time to keep everything perfect and work. So, in that messy back room, as I was looking for the Easter Basket prizes, I stumbled upon another big box of old pictures from my mom’s house. Try as I might, there were not many pictures of my mom.  So, I guess the post on Facebook was true because I want pictures of my mom. However, she was always taking them. I want pictures to remember her the way she was before Alzheimer’s.  I want pictures of the two of us. I want pictures of "Ma" with her grandchildren. Each picture of her brings back the memories of my mom as she used to be. There were hundreds of pictures but there weren't many of my mom. However, I did find one of her and her yellow bowl!

My mom in her kitchen making something great!

This picture was taken in our tiny kitchen, in our tiny house, in Baldwinville. I’m not sure what she’s making in that yellow bowl but I am sure whatever it was it was delicious! The picture was taken sometime in the early 70’s. The curtains are her own creation and in the colors she used on everything....her favorites. Oranges and browns were her choices for many projects she sewed. The house was tiny. It had a small eat in kitchen, a living room, two bedrooms, and a bathroom. There was no cellar and no attic. It did have an attached garage and a laundry room off the garage. No matter how small it was, it was a really great house because she put so much of herself into decorating it and she was always cooking something!!  It was through this picture I actually remembered the fact she sewed me a bedspread and a canopy cover for my big bed.  It made me remember the chocolate covered cherries she made before Thanksgiving and stored in the hall closet (lack of space in a tiny house) so they could then be ready for gift giving at Christmas. One picture can conjure up a million memories.  Memories that she now can't express and has forgotten.
Yesterday, I cleaned my cabinets, rearranging my dishes so I could put her bowls in a place where I could use them daily. Today I will make a cake for my youngest son's 30th birthday and I will use her bowls to mix the cake.  My mom can't be here for his birthday but I can at least put a little bit of her into the cake when I use her bowls.

Today I will take pictures of our family supper, as I always do, but I will be sure to ask someone to take a picture of me with the birthday boy! I hear there is a thing called 'selfies" now, so maybe they are valuable for something!  Get out and take pictures of you today!

Out to Lunch

Yesterday marked a tradition for me that started quite a few years ago, the exact date however I cannot remember.  My two very best friends from Grad School and I celebrated our April birthdays at O'Connor's Restaurant in West Boylston Ma. We meet a few times a year to share our latest teaching stories, family stories, uplift each other through tough family times and celebrate the joys of great family events.

On my way home, it was pouring so I turned off the radio to concentrate on the drive.  My mind, however, would not turn off and it got me to thinking about my mom.  I started to realize that 'going out to lunch' was very much a part of my mom's life.  My earliest memories of my mom were of the two of us always together going shopping for the weekly groceries.  Then, the big treat came after the shopping.  My mom took me to lunch at the first fast food type restaurant I can think of that appeared in the Gardner, MA area.   I remember my mom would get me a hamburger, fries, and a soda.  She would get a double burger, fries, and a soda.  (I thought that it was so cool that she got that second burger on her hamburger!)  This was a huge deal for our family and the biggest treat for me.  I am not sure if it was because we never ate out due to money being tight or if my mom just cooked for us at home, but it was something I looked forward to every Friday when I wasn't in school.

As I grew up and my mom started to enlarge her circle of friends, lunch out was replaced with her Artex painting group on Tuesdays, or her ceramics classes on Mondays. This eventually led up to her lunches out on Fridays with her close friends......of course without me as I was now older and I suppose not quite as cute as I was before!  Ha....Time marched on and the days of afternoon activities and lunches were replaced with work responsibilities and my mom's lunches seemed to dwindle.  With the exception of going to lunch on Wednesdays after bowling, my mom pretty much stayed home when she wasn't working.  That was until her grandchildren came along and we would all head to Friendly's routinely on school vacations for lunch and ice cream.

I am sure her lunches out were her way to connect with other mothers/women/wives etc just like I find I look forward to my lunches out with my grad school friends or once in a while my 'oldest/dearest' friends.  Even this year at school for the first time, I am finding that sharing lunch time with my teammates has been a great break in the day to help us all with a difficult cohort of students.
There must be something special in these 'lunches' that takes place because they seem to me to be more than just eating food.

Nancy Schofield and Mom

Looking through pictures I have found a picture of my mom with one of her best friends.  My mom always said they all put their drinks in front of her to be funny because my mom rarely drank alcohol. Sadly her best friend Nancy passed away from Cancer years ago and now my mom is in the nursing home.  When I look at this picture, I am reminded that my mom once went out to lunch just like I do. She would mark it on her calendar like I do now.

To sum it all up, I guess I am continuing to do the same things that my mom did.  I had never thought of it before but I suppose I am a lot more like my mom than I ever admitted.  Connecting with good friends or family (I like to take my own grandchildren to Friendly's from time to time) all are part of enjoying a very wonderful gift we have all been given.  Get out and see your friends.  Talk, laugh, cry, while eating good food and drinking good drinks.  Life goes on.  Friends move away or sadly pass away.  People get older.  People get sick.  Enjoy each day while you can and don't pass on a lunch out with friends!!!

And Then There is This Yellow Bowl

I was fortunate to turn 58 last week and it really got me to thinking.  A month ago I started to think about all the things that I have not done by now that I had hoped to do. There are so many places I thought I would have traveled to and so many things that I had planned to do one day when we had the money.  I usually don't feel sorry for myself because I have started to appreciate the fact that I am lucky to be this age and having my health and family is the biggest blessing I could ever have.  So when those 'feel sorry for myself' feelings happen, although they are few and far between and only last a short time, they usually end up with me missing my mom more than ever.  I know I am physically able to still sit with her and she can babble nonsense to me, but I am really missing the mom I knew.  

On the eve of my birthday, I wondered if I was feeling this sadness because this school year has been the epitome of the worst year in teaching or because I was really struggling with turning 58 (which made no sense to me if you know me).  Never has a birthday worried me because I love my birthday.  I don't even mind telling my kids at school how old I am.  I am so lucky to have a birthday.  I go to the gym.  I watch what I eat.  I try to be mindful and have balance now in my life.  I am literally happy most of my days and rarely ever see 'the glass half empty". This didn't come easily...it's taken many years of thinking that my life should be something else when it just is what it is and I know my happiness depends only on me. 

So this was a surprise to me when I truly just wanted my mom.  I wanted her to remember to send me a card.  I wanted her to forget it was my birthday and show up at my house at 9:00 pm with a piece of cake from Cumby's like she did the last year she really understood it was my birthday (and had forgotten).  Most importantly, I wanted her to make me my birthday dinner.  Some may laugh but given the choice each year, I would choose my mom's meatloaf, scalloped potatoes, and tomato bread pudding for my dinner choice.  Nothing to me meant  mom's best cooking as those three things on my birthday.  

That's where the Yellow Bowl comes in!

The Yellow Bowl-one of my biggest childhood memories!

My mom had a set of Pyrex mixing bowls.  The largest is yellow.  Then the sizes go smaller and the colors change with sizes.  Green is next, then red, then blue. I am lucky enough to have kept these bowls when we cleaned out her house.  I wasn't using them because there was a point I felt that maybe she got Alzheimer's from the things she cooked with.  I wouldn't use her aluminum cookie sheets or her old Tupperware either.  I decided that Pyrex bowls are just that.  Pyrex bowls and that not using them was just silly.  So, I took them out and now I am using them every day!  (I know it's only been a week but they are present again in my life!)

Nora mixing the wet ingredients for the cake. 

This yellow bowl holds so many treasured memories for me.  My mom made macaroni salad, potato salad, and coleslaw in this bowl every summer.  She made her 'dressing' in it for holidays, often baking it right in the bowl.  Everything baked was mixed in this bowl until she got her kitchen aid from my grandmother (which my daughter has now).

Nora learning to sift the flower with Grampa's help.

This past weekend, instead of the stainless mixing bowls, I handed my yellow and green bowl to my granddaughter and husband to use to make a cake.  It may be my imagination but I really believe that the cakes we made this weekend tasted better out of this yellow bowl.  Who knows......all I know is that I am now on a quest to find pictures of my mom using her bowl because I know I have many of them. 

Today when I left my mom after a visit, I told her that I am going to use her yellow bowl tonight and I showed her a picture.  She smiled and said, "Yes, Yes, Yes!"  Who knows?  Maybe she was just babbling but then again, maybe she was happy that I was still using her yellow bowl.

Miss Nora Rose with the cake she baked with her grampa!

Hello??? Is Anyone Still Out There???

Hello!  I am wondering if anyone is still out there? It's been quite a long time since I have found the time or energy to write about all of the words spinning around in my head. It's been a rough school year.  It's been quite a year of changes and relearning how to be comfortable with the new norm, or what I guess would be the norm now.

For those of you wondering, my mom is still with me and I thank God on most days.  It's the days when I see sadness in her eyes that I wonder if she wouldn't be better off with God in heaven and with my dad and brother.  However, fleeting as those moments are, I treasure the fact that I can physically sit with her, talk to her, have a coffee with her, hold her hand, and most of all, hug her.  Every once in a while she squeezes my hand back or she tells me she loves me and that carries me through until our next visit.

Sitting with her today, I realized I am ready to be back.  I am ready to be writing again.  I plan to tell more stories so that I can pass them on.  I plan to share more pictures so that they are saved for my grandchildren to see.

I hope you are still there.  I hope that you still want to hear about how I am navigating my way through my new norm as the daughter of a mom who is in the final stages of Alzheimer's.

And if no one is out there, that is ok.  I know that I am doing this for me and no one else.  As the name says, I am journaling my way through life's chaos as an Alzheimer's daughter.

It's Been a Year Already!-Holding on to Memories!

Thanks to my Facebook memories, I discovered it has been a year since I officially launched my blog.  As with any anniversary, it is a great time to stop and reflect on the past, think about the present, and plan for the future. It has been a wonderful thing for me to have this place to share memories of my mom, pictures of our family, and vent my feelings about this journey of which my mom and I are on.  It is definitely a long journey but one that I finally feel I am starting to come to terms with and able to proceed with grace.

I have been thinking a lot about the past year.  I really do feel that this blog helped me a lot, even when I didn't have time to write.  I also feel I will continue to write and share my story and my mom's story because it could help someone else on the same journey. It could also just help maintain the memories that I am hoping to hold onto.  Holding my mom's hand, as I did when I was a little girl, made me realized we need to hold on to our memories as long as we can.

Barbie and Her Furniture and Get to Know Your Mom Now While You Can!

My mom was frugal before it was 'in' thing to do.  My mom's mom, my grandma Julia, died when my mom was only 9 years old. When she died, my mom had two little brothers, one 6 and one 3. Mom used to tell me stories about taking care of her brothers and how much her grandfather helped them out because her dad was not a great dad to them. When my mom was 12, she went to live with her Uncle Joe (her dad's brother) and Aunt Ann.  The woman with the most influence in my mom's early life (before marrying my dad) was Aunt Ann. My mom always said she owed so much to her and wouldn't know what would have happened to her if Aunt Ann had not taken her in. Aunt Ann taught my mom how to can foods in their 'summer' kitchen on the farm.  She taught my mom how to clean and cook.  Aunt Ann was there to help my mom through things I am just not ready to write about (and maybe won't be ever).  I remember moving to MA and knowing that every time we would visit family in PA, it would always include a visit to 'the farm' to see Aunt Ann. 

So, how does this relate to Barbie?  Well, my mom didn't have Barbie's and whenever she did have a doll, she says her brothers would cut off their hair or take them apart.  When I became old enough for Barbies, my mom got me a one.  She knitted and sewed all the clothes for them because my mom and dad didn't have much money.  Probably because at that time, my mom was a stay at home mom.  She wasn't called that then as that was the thing moms did, but she stayed home with me so money was tight.  Unfortunately, I didn't appreciate her homemade clothes and always whined that I didn't get store bought ones or ones from the Sears Wish Book!  

When my daughter was born, my mom got right to work!  By then, 1986, my mom was well into a new crafting era!  My mom lived to make things out of plastic canvas and yarn. She began to make all of my children toys and play sets.  She lovingly worked hours and hours making Barbie Furniture sets for my daughter, her only granddaughter. At that time, I still didn't appreciate all the work she put into making these one of a kind gifts.  I am sad to know that I was not receptive even then. My daughter didn't really like the dolls either and I felt bad knowing that my mom was working so hard on these items. 

Aunt Eva (my husband's Aunt) and Jessica opening Barbie furniture from Ma

Just the other day, Jessica sent me a video explaining cousins and great aunts and grandparents etc.  As I was looking for a picture today, I stumbled upon this one with Barbie furniture and Aunt Eva.  The furniture is long gone.  I did save a play set my mom made my youngest son, called Firetown.  Ironically, Dan went on to become a firefighter.  This set my grandsons have played with.  For now I am going to put it away in case Dan has any children to one day play with it.  

I finally now understand about the reasons why my mom made her gifts when I was little and I know it was because she loved me and didn't have the money to buy things.  I understand why my mom made my children gifts.  It was because she did it out of love for them and for the crafts she loved to make.  I finally now understand, I missed out on many many years of appreciating my mom's dedication to making things for us. I am thinking that maybe my mom was so used to staying up late and sleeping in was because she couldn't make me these things during the day when I would see them.  

The first time I visit my mom this week, I am going to thank her for all the times she stayed up late making me things she couldn't buy.  I am going to thank her for the endless hours she spent making my children things to play with.  I am going to thank her for trying to be the best mom she could be, even though she didn't really have a mom for long.