Time Doesn't Stop

I am realizing that it has been a long time since I have updated any posts on this blog.  I have several drafts from August to November that were just never finished.  I created this blog to help me to deal with the stress of being the sole caregiver for my mom, until the wonderful people at Quabbin took over her imminent care.  However, I also started this to write down the memories that were my mom, about my mom, were me, about me, etc so they could be preserved for my grandchildren one day.  Today as I sit here reflecting on the fact my oldest grandchild is 11 today, I am reminded that time does not stop.  It doesn't stop for us because we are in the midst of a pandemic.  It doesn't stop when things are hard or when times are easy.  It continues.  Time is a constant.  

I have recently looked in the mirror and it appears to me now that my grandmother, Grandmom Hogan, is looking back. If I hold my crochet needle, it is now her hands that I see as I create blankets for new babies. How did that ever happen?  Time goes by.  Life changes and we continue to move through it.  

It takes strength and faith to move through time.  Grandmom Hogan raised 10 children....9 redheads!  That alone had to take immense strength.  She buried her husband and two sons before she passed away.  She was always there for me.  I remember she always crocheted when she was watching television and would still be crocheting when she fell asleep.  The Christmas gifts she sent to use were the best.  She always sent the newest gadgets and appliances for my mom and the newest toys to me.  She was the one who purchased the big items that we needed.  When I got married, she bought my china and luggage.  When my first baby was born, she bought my crib.  When I think of her, I smile.  I am learning to smile when I look in the mirror or look at my hands and remember her.

My mom later settled into her role as the grandmother to my three babies.  She took over from Grandmom Hogan and started buying me the latest gadgets and appliances.  She made sure we had a washer and a dryer the first years we were married.  If there was something new, she bought it.  Christmas was a crazy event at her house, as were all holidays.  I think she stockpiled gifts for months ahead.  Other than the big items like that washer etc, I do not remember exactly what she bought.  I do remember though.....we were a family much love shared. I smile when I think of it now.

Nothing changed the fact that time moved on.  After my dad passed too young in 1992, my mom continued to try and be the constant grandma in our life until Alzheimer's took its hold on her.  After that everything I remember about her is measured in time again....the time I could keep her in her home, the time I had to 'rip off the bandaid' and move her to Quabbin because she took a walk and got lost. The time it took to get her on MassHealth and empty her house of a lifetime of memories.  The time she lived at Quabbin and I spent much of my time going there.  Lastly, the time she made the trip back to her beloved Pennsylvania....leading to the last time I got to spend with my adult children before Covid. I was sad about my mom, but I smile today because of the time I got to spend with my family.  

The world changed in March.....9 months ago if you are measuring it in time.  As I sit here watching the snow, I am reminded almost a whole year has gone by.  I am hoping that in the spring, we can all celebrate together again because......it is breaking my heart this year to have to celebrate these holidays virtually with my grandchildren and children.  I know there are people who will say, they don't care if there is a virus and they are going to spend the holiday with people because they deserve it.  There are people who think we are foolish to stay apart because of Covid. Everyone makes their own decisions about things and this is one virus my husband and I have decided we do not want to share as our holiday gift.  We want many more holidays after this one to celebrate.  We will spend our time on Christmas Eve with a Zoom party and hopefully maybe some facetiming on Christmas morning.  Time I am looking forward to and at the same time wishing it would pass quickly so we get closer to the spring.

No matter what we do, time will continue.  Time doesn't stop.  What does matter is how you use the time you have.  My grandmother and my mom used their time so wonderfully that I can remember their love and the love they showed to all of us.  As I wish my oldest grandson a happy birthday today, I am going to try and remember that it doesn't matter how old he is or how much time has gone by, it matters that we make sure that the time we are here, we make memories for our family after we are gone.  Then when time takes us away, our loved ones can remember with a smile. 

Dr. Seuss said it, "Don't cry because it is over, smile because it happened."

I am hoping to write more, to take the time to write again....perhaps now that my mom has been gone 9 months, it is time to continue to preserving memories.  I should say, I never stopped writing. I just never found the pictures to put with the posts. While the pictures are interesting, it is the actual memory and writing that is the most important for me.  I will write more but there may not be a picture each time. 

It is time to continue telling her story and mine.