Time Doesn't Last Forever

Walking to my car after yesterday's visit, wiping away tears as I approached my car door, I realized that I now understand my mom. The strangest thing happened when I left her yesterday. My mom never looked at me or acknowledged I was there.  Yet, when I went to leave and I said my goodbyes, I reached out to hug her. She hugged me back and squeezed me harder than ever.  The whole ride home I was thinking about how stupid I had been for not 'figuring her out' before now or how I always gave more patience to everyone else but to her. As soon as I got home and began the evening chores, I was kicking myself for never realizing fully until that moment. I was also upset because I couldn't find hardly any pictures of just the two of us.

My mom and me on my wedding day! 6-6-1981

Yesterday when I got there, my mom was sleeping with her head on the arm of a recliner, but awoke as I was settling down to just 'be' with her. She looked at me, got up, and started walking around. I followed her to a chair in the hall and convinced her to sit with me. As the two of us sat alone, I tried to tell her about what was new with her grandchildren. Looking into her vacant eyes, I searched for just small glimmer of hope that she was listening to me tell her about what was going on in my life and my kids lives. I told her about how hard school is right now trying to adjust to new students.  I even told her about my adventures in the blogging world. Yet, every time I looked closely at her, I didn't see my mom.  I saw someone with no sparkle like she always had.  I truly became scared for the first time. The end stages of this dreaded disease are taking its toll on my mom. Looking around I could see now that the disease itself was winning.  It used to be that although she was in the nursing home and at times couldn't remember anything, she still looked like my mom.  She still laughed like my mom.  She listened to me like my mom.

Almost ten years ago, I wrote a letter to husband's mother thanking her for being the best mother in law anyone could ever have.  I told her about all of the things I loved about her.  The letter was written because we knew her time was to be short on this earth and I wanted to tell her these things while I still had the chance.  That's the funny thing about time.  We always think we have so much time. It was almost a gift to know that there was that last opportunity to tell her what was in my heart.  Two years ago I did the same thing with my aunt.  I sent her a card thanking her for being the best aunt that anyone could have ever had. So, why didn't I do that for my mom?

This past year I was struggling with a comment made to me about someone I love. At yoga one afternoon, my yoga instructor noticed that I was sad and we talked about it.  She told me to just put it out there in the universe and let it go. Sometimes of course it is easier to say than do. However, I did it. I made a general comment through Facebook and put it behind me. I woke up this morning before my alarm and knew that I had to do the same thing with my letter to my mom.  Just like I wrote the letter to my mother in law and the note to my aunt.

End of August 2017

Before I could finish this blog post, I had to leave for school. As I sat down to finish this blog post by adding a letter, my phone rang.  It was my mom's hospice nurse. We talked about the fact my mom isn't eating again and isn't drinking again.  They can no longer get her to take her medicine.  We made the decision to stop her meds and make sure that she has her morphine at night for now. She will have pain meds and anxiety meds as she needs them but no more of anything else.

The letter, I will write it.  I will bring it with me to our next visit.  I will sit with her and read it to her. I will hug her and hope that she hugs me back. Right now, I need a little time to process the past two days.  Sigh.........