The Owl and the Cardinal Instead

         

In our house it is The Owl and the Cardinal, not The Owl and the Pussycat. This was the first Christmas since my mom passed away.  Knowing she was no longer physically here to be able to visit, made it even more difficult for me. Although 8 months have passed, and given that the pandemic is still holding us all hostage, it still is not an easy one.  Those of you who know me well, know that I believe in the power of cardinals and believe that they are a sign from God and our loved ones.  They have appeared at moments of uncertainty and made me stop and think....and in doing so, think of my family who is watching over me.  My mom loved owls. She collected them from all over and her house was filled with them. Every time I see an owl, I think of her. This was proven to me ironically, on the way from the funeral home to the cemetery as we followed my mom's casket to her final resting place next to my dad and brother. My family saw an owl in a tree along the wooded back roads drive.  We all immediately knew it was a sign that my mom was going to be ok and was watching over us.  After the funeral, we went to a local restaurant for lunch and sure enough, as we walked in the door, we saw tote bags with owls on them. 

Last week during all the stressful chaos of preparing for her family's holiday, my daughter witnessed two owls in trees on her way home from a quick last minute Target pick up run.  Later that day she also witnessed a beautiful cardinal out her window as she and my granddaughter were carrying on the tradition of making cut out sugar cookies.  Because of Covid, I only could attend via facetime but the cardinal helped me to make peace with the fact my mom was there watching over them and joining them in the tradition.  I am betting she was saying things though like, "There are too many sprinkles" or "Don't roll the dough out so thick."  She might have been cringing that the children were allowed to touch the dough....but then again, I would like to think she was realizing that children touching the dough was actually a good thing!  My children have many memories of going to "Ma's" house to make cookies, where my mom wouldn't let any of us touch the dough!  We were allowed to sprinkle sugars on them and bake them, but touch the dough? no one, even me could do it.  We even have a video of my oldest crying on the floor because he couldn't touch the dough and my mom just kept rolling it out and cutting the cookies out.  

One of my best friends gifted me with a tiny Cardinal a couple years ago and it sits on my mom's Christmas Village each holiday season.  I smile every time I unpack it to place it there. I think of not only my friend, Jane, but now my mom each year. It also reminds me of the fact her son beat cancer the year that she gave it to me.  Something that no one should ever have to endure.  Our oldest sons used to be best friends and we spent many years working together at Cub Scouts and PTO. Treasured memories I hope others moms get to experience. 

 A few years ago, my youngest gave me a worry stone with a cardinal painted on it.  I put it in my pocket during days of endless stressful work things when I go to school (bet some people didn't know that one)! It has been with me many times throughout this year.  It was with me many times when I visited my mom. It also made the travels to PA for my mom's funeral.  It has gone with me on vacation.  It goes with me many places. I keep it on top of my bureau ready to put in my pocket.  In fact, it is in my pocket right now. 

One of my most favorite presents this past Christmas was Cardinal Pajamas given to me by my daughter and her family. They were such a thoughtful gift.  I am sure there are many pj's out there that she could have chosen, but to choose ones with Cardinals, and for them to fit me, was just a special gift. 

While I have been missing my mom this holiday and missing family gatherings with my grandkids, I have clung onto the hope that my mom is watching over me.  I am sure she and my dad are have a grand time with all of the family and friends that have passed.  They send us reminders though that they are near.  Over the holiday, we captured pictures of an owl in our backyard at night, facing our house and just sitting on our lawn.  We have had our video camera outside for years and have never captured an owl.  Funny how it showed up now....right when I was missing my mom the most.  Funny how my daughter saw owls and how the cardinal showed up during the cookie making....funny, but is it really? 

As I end this holiday and move into a new year and hopefully a year full of family gatherings again, I would be remiss if I didn't share one of the most special gifts from one of my dearest friends, Jaime. There is a saying that says people come into your life when you need them most.  Jaime came into mine just when I was needing her most.  I had just moved my mom into Quabbin.  She has been my confidant, my advisor, and my best friend.  I will end with this.....the other side of the ornament at the beginning of this post.....a gift that I cried when I opened and I still cry when I see it.......because in my house it is The Owls and the Cardinals........

The Handwriting on the Wall

 As I was looking through my recipe box to find my Christmas recipes, I discovered the box didn't just hold recipes.  It held treasures that I took for granted until this year when I looked closely at the contents in the little wooden box my mom gave to me.  Writing things down is one of the ways to continue remembering family long as they are gone. Phases of our own lifetime are preserved within our own handwriting.  My recipe box, not only holds magazine clippings, and faded tattered and torn recipes, but a unique type of memory....my family's handwriting! I have voice mails and text messages saved on my phone from family members who are no longer with us.  Little did I know, I would love the writing in my little memory recipe box.   Children of today's generations, will I fear no longer be able to realize the impact handwriting has on us.  Many of us use computer's now to type.  Many of us keep things in our Google Drives or in the cloud. We have digital spread sheets and docs to write things on.  Handwritten items are going to become a thing of the past, unless we preserve them as important memories.  I know when I see something my mom or dad had written, it makes me think of them.             

One of my mom's favorite things to make at Christmas was her Peanut Brittle.  Although this recipe was typed originally during my phase of trying to type her recipes with a typewriter she gave me one Christmas, her handwriting is all over this recipe, something I will now treasure.  The making of her peanut brittle every year was a family tradition, from getting the peanuts in PA to making batches and batches of it and shipping it all over the country to family far away.  Sadly the day came when I had to lie to her and tell her I could not find her any peanuts and there was a peanut shortage because we knew she was no longer able to safely cook on the stove, let alone make peanut brittle while boiling sugar on a stove.  No other peanut brittle will ever taste the same.  However, I have her recipe and thanks to laminators, it will be preserved.  Some of the recipes I am sure she rewrote onto recipe cards at one time.  I recognize her writing on them, as they remind me too of the nights she would spend baking for us.                               

One of my favorite things was her Poor Man's Cake she would make.  I know it was my dad's favorite as well.  I personally loved her Chocolate Cake recipe that she use Miracle Whip as the salad dressing ingredient. It was the cake she would make for me on every birthday. I remember telling my husband about it and he thought I was crazy.  Who would put salad dressing in a cake.  Today we often put applesauce, so I guess one day my grandkids will think we are crazy!  This recipe was also in my mom's writing....something I treasure. 

I have been trying to duplicate her Turkey Dressing recipe now for a few years.  Nothing ever tastes the way you remember it as a child but I have come pretty close recently.  I found her recipe in her handwriting that I will now be able to follow.  When I think of holidays, I think of her dressing.  She would often make it in a casserole dish and serve it as other times during the year, not only at Thanksgiving.  She would use it to stuff a turkey too, and even was known for stuffing a rabbit for my dad.....since he didn't eat turkey!  She would purchase a whole rabbit from someone who raised them for food and cook it for him for Thanksgiving! Another recipe for me to laminate to save for sure!

One of the last recipes that brought tears to my eyes this Christmas was the one I found folded up at the bottom of a pile.  It was written in my Aunt Karen's handwriting!  Though I have never made her nut breads, I certainly remember them and I will treasure her handwriting as well.  

The recipes I will preserve and try to make for my family.  However, the handwriting I believe is mine alone to remember.  My grandchildren would not recognize it, but I do.  I will laminate them and pass them down.  Who knows, maybe one of them will decide to try and cook these things at some point for me when I can no longer cook myself.  Thus passing those memories again for future generations.

Time Doesn't Stop

I am realizing that it has been a long time since I have updated any posts on this blog.  I have several drafts from August to November that were just never finished.  I created this blog to help me to deal with the stress of being the sole caregiver for my mom, until the wonderful people at Quabbin took over her imminent care.  However, I also started this to write down the memories that were my mom, about my mom, were me, about me, etc so they could be preserved for my grandchildren one day.  Today as I sit here reflecting on the fact my oldest grandchild is 11 today, I am reminded that time does not stop.  It doesn't stop for us because we are in the midst of a pandemic.  It doesn't stop when things are hard or when times are easy.  It continues.  Time is a constant.  

I have recently looked in the mirror and it appears to me now that my grandmother, Grandmom Hogan, is looking back. If I hold my crochet needle, it is now her hands that I see as I create blankets for new babies. How did that ever happen?  Time goes by.  Life changes and we continue to move through it.  

It takes strength and faith to move through time.  Grandmom Hogan raised 10 children....9 redheads!  That alone had to take immense strength.  She buried her husband and two sons before she passed away.  She was always there for me.  I remember she always crocheted when she was watching television and would still be crocheting when she fell asleep.  The Christmas gifts she sent to use were the best.  She always sent the newest gadgets and appliances for my mom and the newest toys to me.  She was the one who purchased the big items that we needed.  When I got married, she bought my china and luggage.  When my first baby was born, she bought my crib.  When I think of her, I smile.  I am learning to smile when I look in the mirror or look at my hands and remember her.

My mom later settled into her role as the grandmother to my three babies.  She took over from Grandmom Hogan and started buying me the latest gadgets and appliances.  She made sure we had a washer and a dryer the first years we were married.  If there was something new, she bought it.  Christmas was a crazy event at her house, as were all holidays.  I think she stockpiled gifts for months ahead.  Other than the big items like that washer etc, I do not remember exactly what she bought.  I do remember though.....we were a family much love shared. I smile when I think of it now.

Nothing changed the fact that time moved on.  After my dad passed too young in 1992, my mom continued to try and be the constant grandma in our life until Alzheimer's took its hold on her.  After that everything I remember about her is measured in time again....the time I could keep her in her home, the time I had to 'rip off the bandaid' and move her to Quabbin because she took a walk and got lost. The time it took to get her on MassHealth and empty her house of a lifetime of memories.  The time she lived at Quabbin and I spent much of my time going there.  Lastly, the time she made the trip back to her beloved Pennsylvania....leading to the last time I got to spend with my adult children before Covid. I was sad about my mom, but I smile today because of the time I got to spend with my family.  

The world changed in March.....9 months ago if you are measuring it in time.  As I sit here watching the snow, I am reminded almost a whole year has gone by.  I am hoping that in the spring, we can all celebrate together again because......it is breaking my heart this year to have to celebrate these holidays virtually with my grandchildren and children.  I know there are people who will say, they don't care if there is a virus and they are going to spend the holiday with people because they deserve it.  There are people who think we are foolish to stay apart because of Covid. Everyone makes their own decisions about things and this is one virus my husband and I have decided we do not want to share as our holiday gift.  We want many more holidays after this one to celebrate.  We will spend our time on Christmas Eve with a Zoom party and hopefully maybe some facetiming on Christmas morning.  Time I am looking forward to and at the same time wishing it would pass quickly so we get closer to the spring.

No matter what we do, time will continue.  Time doesn't stop.  What does matter is how you use the time you have.  My grandmother and my mom used their time so wonderfully that I can remember their love and the love they showed to all of us.  As I wish my oldest grandson a happy birthday today, I am going to try and remember that it doesn't matter how old he is or how much time has gone by, it matters that we make sure that the time we are here, we make memories for our family after we are gone.  Then when time takes us away, our loved ones can remember with a smile. 

Dr. Seuss said it, "Don't cry because it is over, smile because it happened."

I am hoping to write more, to take the time to write again....perhaps now that my mom has been gone 9 months, it is time to continue to preserving memories.  I should say, I never stopped writing. I just never found the pictures to put with the posts. While the pictures are interesting, it is the actual memory and writing that is the most important for me.  I will write more but there may not be a picture each time. 

It is time to continue telling her story and mine. 

"Where I come from a lotta front porch sittin"

Alan Jackson said it all........

"I said where I come from

It's cornbread and chicken

Where I come from a lotta front porch sittin'

Where I come from, tryin' to make a livin'

And workin' hard to get to heaven

Where I come from"

I have been spending a lot of time on my porch these days.  Early morning coffee and crosswords on the front porch.  Lunch on the back porch.  Reading before our 'before supper walk' on the front porch.  Supper on the back porch.  Hummingbird watch and winding down the day on the front porch.  Seems like I spend a lot of time on my porches.  I may not have the house of my dreams or the porches of my dreams, but I do have the most wonderful memories of the many porches in my life. 

One of my few memories from when I lived in PA happens to be the porch the front of the Inn that my parents owned. It was a large wrap around porch.  I vividly remember my mom's porch furniture and her glass wind chimes.  I have searched for similar wind chimes to no avail.  We bought our home in 1986 and for years when my husband asked me to sit out back in our yard, I would always wish we could just sit on our own porch!  Although I do love to spend time now sitting out back in the shade of my yard, I can't help but think back to how much the many different porches have meant in my life.

I remember how many times we would travel to PA to "111 Hanover Street" for a visit in the summer.  I considered it my family home!  Although I didn't live there, my grandmother did with her daughter and sons. We would make the trip during the summer and although I looked forward to seeing my family, I really couldn't wait to sit on the porch.  That is what they did, they sat on the porch.  I have so many memories of my family spending hours on the front porch.  My children grew up sitting on that porch!

My mom's house had a back porch on which we would sit and spend so may enjoyable hours.  That porch saw so many cups of coffee, popsicles, and ice cream floats. My kids' bathing suits and towels would be hung on the rack.  My mom would sit for hours working on her plastic canvas crafts, while I crocheted, knitted, or did cross stitch.  When we bought our house in 1986 and didn't have a porch, I would go to my mom's during the day to sit on her porch! I finally did get not one, but two, porches in 2002.  Today we have my in-laws old sofa swing and my mom's table and chairs on our back porch.  The front porch is not very big and isn't wide enough for a rocker, but it is still a favorite place to have morning coffee and evening hummingbird watch parties.

My in-laws had a screen porch off of their kitchen! Countless days and nights we spent sitting out there.  I can remember my mother in law running a cable to move her tv to the back porch, so she could watch the Red Sox outside when the weather was hot and humid!  We had many meals as a family on that back porch. We would pick blueberries and then have a coffee on that porch.  It was on that back porch, after picking blueberries, my sister in law told us all she was expecting her third baby. We then shared our secret that we, too, were expecting our first one!

Summer is a time to slow down and enjoy these extensions of our homes.  As I sit right now on my back porch, I hear a cardinal singing.  I have my crafting near me.  I have my cup of coffee.  I can't decide if I feel sad without my mom or if I feel content knowing that we made so many memories on her porch.  What I do know is that there is a big porch in Heaven and my mom is sitting on it with my Aunt Barbara and Aunt Karen.  Uncle Eddie is joining them until The Price is Right comes on.  They will be there until the sun is too hot, then they will go back out after supper.

When I started this blog, it was to help me with the stress and anxiety of taking care of my mom throughout her Alzheimer's journey.  I debated the past few weeks if I should even continue this since my mom has now completed her journey. However, out of nowhere, I start to miss her and I now realize, I am still on that journey even without her.

I also started this blog to write down the memories that I have of things from my life and things from my mom's life, so that my grandchildren will be able to know more about us.  For that reason, I hope to continue.  They may not really ever enjoy what sitting on those porches mean but they can learn how important they were to me, their parents, their grandparents, etc.  It took me from 1986 to 2002 to get my porch.  They might be able to learn how their Grammy didn't always have what she wanted right away, so it isn't too bad to have wait for things.  And....if they don't learn anything, at least I know that I wrote things down to pass on to them. 

Grief Isn't the Only Thing that Comes in Waves

I have always loved when people start a statement with "they".  There is a joke in my husband's family that we ask who is they and the answer is "oh those guys on Barthel Avenue."  Well, "They" say grief comes in waves and I believe whoever said it first, said the truth.  Many days I feel ok with my mom's passing. However, on days like today....the anniversary of when I 'moved' her to the nursing home, I feel it most.  I know that I did the right thing. I know that I had no choice, especially when the state said she had to have 24/7 care.  My brain knows it.  The problem came when in order to do it, I had to trick her.  I guess trick is a word to make me feel better.  What I had to do was lie to her.  I told her that Dr. Kelley was sending her to a special hospital to see why she had pain in her foot. Thankfully, Quabbin doesn't have a sign that says it is a nursing home.  It says healthcare so I was able to pull it off.  I had to keep telling her the same lie over and over and it killed me.

After leaving her for her first night, I had to the go to her house and remove all of the items of value just incase someone should find out she wasn't there.  My son moved in to protect the house but I removed the Norman Rockwell Sketches, the signed prints, and other items that I felt I needed close to me.  For years I looked at the Rockwell pencil sketch handing in my sitting room with saddness.  Now I look at it with love knowing it was my mom and dad's.  But that day, June 5, 2013, it broke my heart to take it off her wall. My mom has now moved into her last home.  The home that she will always share with my dad and brother.  I had no hand in her last move.  I can now look at her sketch and signed prints with love.

I am going to try to remember that this day is also an anniversary of happy times.  39 years ago today, we held my wedding rehearsal. While we were rehearsing at the church, my mom was preparing a rehearsal dinner, (again, making food for everyone)!  It was a magical night because my wedding was going to be tomorrow. Because we had so many out of town family and guests, my mom had an open house buffet at her home for us.  I didn't want her to attend the rehearsal because I planned a special part of the ceremony I wanted to keep as a surprise for her and also for my mother in law.  As I walked down the aisle, I planned to give my mom a rose.  After the ceremony, before David and I walked together down the aisle, I was planning to then give my new my new mother in law a rose.  For that reason, I didn't want them to attend the rehearsal.  Seemed to be something small but it was meaningful and symbolic to me.

Talk about waves!  Grief comes in waves, but so does everything else! Today is a day filled with both happy and sad memories.  The ebb and flow continues but so does life.

80 Earth Birthday Years!

Milestones and holidays can be either happy or sad once a person becomes a memory.  Today I am filled with both happiness and saddness.  The time we are living in right now is one that we are all trying to figure out.  I am happy that my mom is not here experiencing Covid19, because she was through enough in her lifetime that made her sad.  I am unhappy, however, that she is not here so I can share her very special birthday in person with her. She almost made it. Today I would be bringing her ice cream and holding her hand, while I quietly sang Happy Birthday to her!  80 years!!!  What a lifetime!!!!

I am blessed today that her brother and sister in law went to visit her and brought her flowers.  Happiness and saddness both as I see the picture of her stone with 2020 etched in it now. 

Happy Birthday Mom!  I will always miss you and I will always love you! 

I Have No Doubt

I have no doubt at all.  I have no doubt that my mom is in Heaven with my dad and my brother.  I have no doubt she is with all of my family who is in Heaven.  I have no doubt that my mom is the one who made sure my Easter would be as great as it possibly could be considering the Covid-19 Pandemic.  I found the Bunny Molds!!!  The bunny molds, that have been missing for the past few years, were finally located.  I found the bunny molds!!

Last week I was cleaning in my laundry room.  I had several boxes that I put on shelves when I cleaned out my mother's house, as well as, a few boxes I put downstairs to make room in the spare room for Nora to have her own bed and a place for the kids toys.  I spent quite a few hours rearranging items upstairs and going through all of the boxes on the shelves downstairs so I could organize it all.  After two days of work, I was ready to call it quits and just leave the last two boxes untouched on the bottom shelf.  However, something made me bring the boxes upstairs and finish the job.  (I often give up and just leave a few things undone.)  In the back of my mind, I could hear my mother's voice say, "Cynthia Ann, finish what you started!" So I continued.

The first box I opened was a very neatly packed treasure chest.  Inside were all of my Doily Crochet patterns, needles, and even some crochet cotton.  My grandmother taught me how to crochet these and I forgot where everything was.  Inside the box was a tote bag from the Washington Zoo I purchased when I chaperoned my oldest son's trip in his 6th grade year (he is 37 now)!  Also inside were several cross stitch kits, crosstitch floss, a new table cloth to stitch, and some plastic canvas kits.  However, right on top of all of this, was a brand new kit to cross stitch that has cardinals on it.  I knew when I saw the cardinals, it was a sign from my mom.  Everyone knows how much I believe in cardinals.  I was so happy to find this box of crafting that I began to sort it all out and it still sits in my kitchen today while I decide which one to make first.

There was still one box.  It was late. I was tired.  I was also feeling sad about the loss of our regular Easter traditional celebration.  However, I went ahead and opened the last box.  On top of the many pens, pencils, markers, etc...sat the BUNNY MOLDS!  I was so excited I started to yell to my husband in his makeshift office down stairs and he thought I was crazy!  I couldn't believe that after at least five years of seraching for these bunny molds, I had finally found them.

You know what I am going to say next....My mom is the one who showed me where they were.  I just know it!   I kept it a secret from my family and made the bunnies for Easter.  I don't know if anyone else really missed them as much, but it made me feel great to know I have them back.  They are now safely placed back in the closet, on the organized kitchen shelf, so I will know right where they are for next year!  Thank you Ma!

Dear Ma....I Am Washing My Hands

Dear Ma,

Let me start by saying, I miss you so much I can't even explain how it feels to someone unless they, too, have lost their mom to such a horrific disease such as Alzheimer's Disease.  I am writing to you because there are so many things I am saying to you in my head, that I feel I need to put them on paper for anyone struggling with the same things right now to know they are not alone.

For the first time ever, I am feeling very grateful that you are at peace in Heaven during this uncertain time we are living in due to the Covid-19 Virus around the world. It may sound terrible to some. However, no matter how much I want to see you in person and visit with you, I am thanking God that he chose to take you before this Virus shut down our world.  I can't imagine how hard it would be to NOT be able to visit you and NOT be able to run to Quabbin when you asked Erin or Shantee for 'My Cindy'.

There are some other things I want you to know, too.  I am finally understanding what it means to 'waste not, want not'.  We do not waste anything anymore around here.  I even saved my coffee from Tuesday and reheated it Wednesday afternoon so as not to waste it incase I don't get to the store soon.  I not longer complacent to cooking and eating all of the food in my freezer and refridgerator, even if I feel like take out or running to the store for something else. That limp piece of celery made it into my weekly soup pot!  I am sure you smiled at that! I am finally understanding what it means to use up things that are already open before openning anything new!  I am finally understanding how just a simple thing as sitting in your yard on a sunny day can be a wonderful thing. Taking a walk or talking to a friend is something to treasure.  I am learning how to just 'be' and not feel like I have to constantly be doing something.  When I said my word of the year was 'Focus', I surely didn't know that this virus was going to teach me what it really means.

I also finally understand how much it meant to you when I would call or visit.  In today's world, it might be a text but it sure is wonderful to hear from my kids.  I understand how much it meant for you to see your grandchildren.  I understand how much you enjoyed going to work and how even working in a store was so important to you . I am learning to work virtually and it has made one thing quite clear to me....I am not ready to retire and give up teaching...yet.

I have always believed that everything happens for reasons though we don't know what they are at the time.  Just like I believe I will see you again one day.  Right now, I am believing that this world is going to be a better place after we figure out this whole Covid-19 Virus.  Is firmly believe compassion and empathy will connect us all because we will have ALL gone through this.  Please keep an eye on us all and help keep us safe.  Please keep a closer eye on Dan throughout his work on EMS/Fire.  Also, please keep Adrienne safe, while she tends to her patients who are still in need of a doctor whether they have Covid-19 symptoms or just the common cold.

And....please know...that I am ok.  I miss you but I am happy you are not here to live through this time. 

I love you Ma,

Your 'Cindy'

When Irish Eyes Are Smilin’

Rose and Jack at one of the Irish Pubs they visited.

Today was one of my mom's favorite days of the year!  Although she herself was not Irish by blood, she was Irish by choice because she was a Hogan by marriage.  My dad always told me not to wear green on St. Patrick's Day because I have the red hair to prove I am Irish and the name behind me to prove it too.  I can imagine there is a big party in Heaven right now and my parents are traveling through Ireland again, as they did years ago in these pictures!

My dad at a Peat Farm.

My parents loved their visit to Ireland.  My dad frequented every pub he could find, while my mom shopped her way around the island.  My mom was proud of herself for finding slot machines in one town, the name I don't remember now.  They intended to return, but my dad got sick and later passed away from cancer.  My mom wanted me to join her on a trip to Ireland.  I am sad that I never took her up on the offer. That is one regret I do have.

The pictures are blurry but still show my mom's smile and my dad's love of his pubs.  Although you can't see the red hair around the back of his head, he was a red head for sure! 

My mom brought me home a few Waterford Crystal items that I now cherish.  She also brought home Connemara Marble rosaries.  I debated on burying them with her but in the end I decided to keep them. When she got back to the US, she started shopping for anything she could find that was true to Ireland. We could find her every St. Patrick's Day with QVC on 24/7 so she could shop for anything Irish on March 17th.  She found an Irish gift shop in Scranton where she would later buy numerous little Irish cottages to set up a village in her picture window. 

Today, as I drink a Guinness and eat my stew I will raise my glass to you mom.....Slainte!....knowing you no longer suffer from the horrible disease of Alzheimer's, I am ok.

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These Things I Know (and it ain't cabbage salad)!

Two weeks ago today as I prepared to say my finally goodbye to my mom, I began reflecting on this journey I began as an Alzheimer's daughter. I truly believed then and I believe now, my mom joined my dad early in the morning on February 1st.  She was with us only in spirit on that February 5th day, as we bid her farewell and brought her to her final resting place next to my dad and my big brother.  As a teacher by profession, we are taught the importance of on going reflection.  For the past several days, I have been reflecting on the past few weeks, as well as, the past years when I made the decision to stand by my vow to my dad to always take care of my mom.

When I started this blog, it was to supply myself with a place to write down my feelings, reflect on my actions, try to live without regrets and remember all things about my mom so that memories can be passed down to my family.  Looking back I have learned so much more about my mom and myself than I ever knew before. Someone asked me if I would continue writing now that my mother had passed and I wasn't sure.  However, I still have so many memories to share and so many things to say.  I believe I will.

Try as I might, I still have a few regrets, not many but I do find now through reflection I do have some.  I regret not being able to tell my mom earlier all of the things I told her during her last week here on earth with me  Why did I not say the words to her before then?  I told her how much I loved her and how much I was blessed to have had her for my mom, but she was not able to respond to me.  I know she was listening and I can only pray she knew what I was saying.  However, I regret not saying those things sooner. I do regret not hugging my mom more, but she was not the 'huggy' type. After finding out about her early childhood years, I believe I am aware of why and I will always respect that about her.  She showed me love in many other ways.

Many people would say at this time that they regret that they didn't visit more or they should have done things differently.  I am pretty sure I did the best I could.  I am pretty sure I tried really hard to balance being a good daughter to my mom along with being a good wife, mom, grandmother and teacher. There is a difference between regrets and missing times that have happened in the past. I miss many things about the many years that we had before Alzheimer's and I wish that the terrible disease never arrived to rob my mom of being the best great grandma ever. However, I don't regret my choices in her care.  In hindsight, it is easy to say what I should have done, but I am not so sure I could have done anything differently.

When I was concerned if I should stay by my mom's side throughout the rest of her days, my mom's most amazing hospice caregiver told me that my mom would pass when she was ready and if she wanted me there then it would happen with me by her side.  If she didn't want me there, then it would happen when I was not there. Each time I left her on those few days, I told her I loved her and all the things I never said before. Then I told her if she wanted to see me the next day, I would be back.  However, if she was ready to go be with my dad and brother, then it was ok. I believe those words that Erin told me, also instilled no regrets within me.  I truly believe that. I will be forever grateful to her for loving my mom and for helping me through those last days.

What I do regret is that I didn't appreciate my mom like I should have when it came to all of the wonderful things she did for all of the people she knew.  For example, I am now realizing I should have appreciated all of the amazing recipes she stored in her head.  I can only locate a few actual recipe cards of things that were her.  She had a recipe box filled with recipes from other people, but the recipes she made for us have for the most part passed with her. (Well, except for the cookie recipe that my dog literally ate one day.)

I tried to make her 'Pigs in a Blanket' yesterday.  I think I may be close to how she did it based on my memory.  I know I need to tweak it a bit but I may be close.  I am trying to track down someone that might know how she made her cabbage salad.  That is one that I cannot figure out yet, but I will. I contacted her cousin and I think I at least know where she learned to make it.  My favorite meal she made for me on my birthday was always meatloaf, scalloped potatoes, and tomato bread pudding. The tomato dish she created to use up stale bread by mixing it with her home canned tomatos and baking it with the meatloaf and potatos. I hope to figure them all out too.  I don't know why I never asked her to tell me or show me how to make them myself.  I guess I always thought there would be time or that she would always be here to do it for me.

Well after much reflection, I guess if my biggest regrets have to do with food, then I did an ok job. My mom used to tell everyone that she was going to spend all her money on whatever she wanted and then it would be up to me to figure everything out for her.  I guess I did that.  As I reflect now, I think I did a darn good job.  Right now I will go make a grocery list and see if I can buy some things to try and replicate some of those lost recipes then write them down for future generations!

Still Taking Care of Her Baby Girl

With a heavy heart, I need to share that on Saturday, February 1, 2020, after a few days of drastic decline and my blessing, my mom joined my dad in Heaven.  During these past two months I noticed more and more that my mom was tiring more frequently. It was increasingly difficult to find an oppurtune time to visit with her when she was fully awake.  Although she was still happy and smiling, she began to find food difficult to eat and her bed seemed to bring her more happiness that sitting in the activity room.  A rapid decline of 9 pounds during a four week period, led to her appearing so fragile that I just knew she was starting a journey to meet up with my dad and her baby boy.  Many people do not know that my mom had a baby boy before I was born.  He was born in May of 1960 but sadly died in my mom's arms in December of the same year.  My mom told me all about my  brother, Johnny, named after my father.  She told me all about how scared she was that I was going to die too, as she was pregnant with me when Johnny went to Heaven.  I was later born in April of 1961 without any health issues like my brother.

Losing a parent is never easy, but having a parent suffer with Alzheimer's for a long time makes the goodbye seem to last forever.  Someone told me that having someone with Alzheimer's in your life is like living with a long, long goodbye.  It is like grieving over every little decline.  While this was very true and I spent many car rides home crying until turning onto my road, the feeling at the end was just a new as if my mom didn't have Alzheimer's and just passed in her sleep.  It was, and is, still shocking to me.  I want more time with my mom.  I want more visits even if she can't talk to me or doesn't recognize me, 'her Cindy'.  Her passing was so quick that she didn't suffer for very long at all and was a blessing. However, it was so fast, I didn't have time to truly prepare myself.  

My mom was born in Scranton, PA and moved to live with her Aunt and Uncle in Tunkhannock, PA, when she was 12.  She didn't have a loving wonderful childhood between the ages of 9 and 12 because her mom died and she was left taking care of her two little brothers and her father, whom she never wanted to talk about with me. She would only tell me he was not a good man.  After highschool or during highschool, she met my dad. They married and settled into a large Inn in Lake Carey PA. I have vague memories of the house because we moved to Massachusetts when I was 6.  My mom was my biggest cheerleader and always made my birthday and all holidays special.  Once I grew up and got married, she made her grandchildren the center of her world and spoiled them too.  My mom would give you anything if she had it and you needed it. 

Through my grief last week, I didn't really realize it but my mom gave me one last gift that I will never forget. I told her how much I loved her and that it was ok for her to join my dad as he was holding her baby boy waiting for her.  I told her that I would always love her and that I just knew I would see her again.  I told her that I would be ok and that I have my husband, my children, and my grandchildren.  I kissed her forehead, gave her a hug, and then went home for the night.  I received the call at 4:25am the next morning that my mom passed in her sleep. While I struggled with the finality of it and thought about how my mom couldn't do things anymore with me, I didn't really think about she would give me a final gift.  

My mom is buried alongside my dad in PA. My husband and I made the trip down.  My oldest son flew down from his home in Vermont.  My other two children rented an SUV and took a nostalgic road trip. Our travels were different but we all stayed in the same hotel, on the same floor. We spent the first afternoon and evening together.  We went to dinner together at a local restaurant of my husband's choice.  We all squished in my husband's car. We then stayed up very late sharing stories and memories of my mom, their "Ma" as they called her.  We shared stories about our lives now and stories about when they were young.  They teased me about funny things they say I did or do and we had an enjoyable evening for as much as you can enjoy time the evening before your mom's funeral.  

The day of the funeral we met for breakfast and then met to drive to the funeral home.  The five of us went together in my son's rental car, with him driving.  They helped me get through one of the toughest days of life.  After the funeral we joined my mom's side of the family at "Cracker Barrel".  The food was good and the fellowship was even better.  We parted ways with extended family and returned to the hotel.  My cousins on my dad's side came over to our hotel and we talked for a long time.  They told my kids stories about me growing up (some I don't think are true!)  However, I will forgive them because they gave me the most beautiful bracelet with a cardinal on it that matches one they both have. 

After they left, we got back in the rental car and went to the casino together to honor my moem!  My mom loved casinos and slot machines.  She lived to play her slots! No matter what country she traveled to with my dad, she always searched out slot machines! We gave ourselves one hour to try our luck and then met up for supper again.  After a few drinks and some good food, we made our way back to the hotel.  Tired as we might be, we still met up again to 'hang out', have some snacks (I think only I ate the junk food) and some drinks before heading off to bed. Even though I missed my mom tremendously and I will forever...

I realized......my mom gave me the best last gift. Because of my mom, I got to spend time with my adult children.  The time we spent together was ours.  I love my grandchildren and I love my daughter in law and my daughter and other son's significant others, but this was like it was when my kids were little. Just the 5 of us.  Selfishly I enjoyed every second of having my children with me and my husband.  My mom gave me that gift by bringing us together.  Even though my mom joined my dad, she was still taking care of her baby girl by giving me the best gift ever!

Always a Planner I will Be!

I have always been a planner.  I think I get it from my mom.  My mom used to plan big dinners for her home party plan business, "Dutchmaid Fashions".  My mom used to plan dinners for the Templeton Fish and Game Club, where she would also be in charge of cooking all of the food.  My mom used to have big holiday dinners and parties at home, too.  When my son and I were cleaning out her house, I discovered notebooks with lists and plans for holidays. Some of the lists went way back to when I was very little. Christmas lists of presents, birthday party lists, the list (ha ha) goes on and on.  While it was fun to read through them, it never resonated with me until today.

I recently began a 6 week course of action prompted by a teaching professional to help me become better organized at school so I can enjoy my personal life without the stress of worrying about being prepared for teaching.  Week 2 was about lists and how to make better use of to do lists, etc.  As I sat down today to organize the new materials I purchased to house my notes, I recognized the similarites between me and my mom! After all, we are still not a month since Christmas and I have Easter lists in my brain.  I also have Valentine's that I plan to purchase for the littles in my life.  I have already begun to tentatively plan a list for summer projects.  I guess I have my mom to thank for this afterall.  

Twenty years ago I was planning a cruise for my husband's family where we celebrated my in-law's 50th Anniversary, my father in law was 70, my mom 60, my sister in law was 50.  Today my daughter and I are planning a 90th birthday party for my father in law and in my mind I am thinking about what I would have done for my mom's 80th birthday had she not gotten Alzheimer's. 

There are many moments in many days that I miss my mom and many times I cry on my way home from visiting her.  However, being able to discover how we connect to each other can put a smile on my face. I am honored to know that I got my 'planning' gene from my mom.  I hope I make her proud by being able to carry on, what I realize now, a trait that I never knew was so important until now.