Out to Lunch

Yesterday marked a tradition for me that started quite a few years ago, the exact date however I cannot remember.  My two very best friends from Grad School and I celebrated our April birthdays at O'Connor's Restaurant in West Boylston Ma. We meet a few times a year to share our latest teaching stories, family stories, uplift each other through tough family times and celebrate the joys of great family events.

On my way home, it was pouring so I turned off the radio to concentrate on the drive.  My mind, however, would not turn off and it got me to thinking about my mom.  I started to realize that 'going out to lunch' was very much a part of my mom's life.  My earliest memories of my mom were of the two of us always together going shopping for the weekly groceries.  Then, the big treat came after the shopping.  My mom took me to lunch at the first fast food type restaurant I can think of that appeared in the Gardner, MA area.   I remember my mom would get me a hamburger, fries, and a soda.  She would get a double burger, fries, and a soda.  (I thought that it was so cool that she got that second burger on her hamburger!)  This was a huge deal for our family and the biggest treat for me.  I am not sure if it was because we never ate out due to money being tight or if my mom just cooked for us at home, but it was something I looked forward to every Friday when I wasn't in school.

As I grew up and my mom started to enlarge her circle of friends, lunch out was replaced with her Artex painting group on Tuesdays, or her ceramics classes on Mondays. This eventually led up to her lunches out on Fridays with her close friends......of course without me as I was now older and I suppose not quite as cute as I was before!  Ha....Time marched on and the days of afternoon activities and lunches were replaced with work responsibilities and my mom's lunches seemed to dwindle.  With the exception of going to lunch on Wednesdays after bowling, my mom pretty much stayed home when she wasn't working.  That was until her grandchildren came along and we would all head to Friendly's routinely on school vacations for lunch and ice cream.

I am sure her lunches out were her way to connect with other mothers/women/wives etc just like I find I look forward to my lunches out with my grad school friends or once in a while my 'oldest/dearest' friends.  Even this year at school for the first time, I am finding that sharing lunch time with my teammates has been a great break in the day to help us all with a difficult cohort of students.
There must be something special in these 'lunches' that takes place because they seem to me to be more than just eating food.

Nancy Schofield and Mom

Looking through pictures I have found a picture of my mom with one of her best friends.  My mom always said they all put their drinks in front of her to be funny because my mom rarely drank alcohol. Sadly her best friend Nancy passed away from Cancer years ago and now my mom is in the nursing home.  When I look at this picture, I am reminded that my mom once went out to lunch just like I do. She would mark it on her calendar like I do now.

To sum it all up, I guess I am continuing to do the same things that my mom did.  I had never thought of it before but I suppose I am a lot more like my mom than I ever admitted.  Connecting with good friends or family (I like to take my own grandchildren to Friendly's from time to time) all are part of enjoying a very wonderful gift we have all been given.  Get out and see your friends.  Talk, laugh, cry, while eating good food and drinking good drinks.  Life goes on.  Friends move away or sadly pass away.  People get older.  People get sick.  Enjoy each day while you can and don't pass on a lunch out with friends!!!

And Then There is This Yellow Bowl

I was fortunate to turn 58 last week and it really got me to thinking.  A month ago I started to think about all the things that I have not done by now that I had hoped to do. There are so many places I thought I would have traveled to and so many things that I had planned to do one day when we had the money.  I usually don't feel sorry for myself because I have started to appreciate the fact that I am lucky to be this age and having my health and family is the biggest blessing I could ever have.  So when those 'feel sorry for myself' feelings happen, although they are few and far between and only last a short time, they usually end up with me missing my mom more than ever.  I know I am physically able to still sit with her and she can babble nonsense to me, but I am really missing the mom I knew.  

On the eve of my birthday, I wondered if I was feeling this sadness because this school year has been the epitome of the worst year in teaching or because I was really struggling with turning 58 (which made no sense to me if you know me).  Never has a birthday worried me because I love my birthday.  I don't even mind telling my kids at school how old I am.  I am so lucky to have a birthday.  I go to the gym.  I watch what I eat.  I try to be mindful and have balance now in my life.  I am literally happy most of my days and rarely ever see 'the glass half empty". This didn't come easily...it's taken many years of thinking that my life should be something else when it just is what it is and I know my happiness depends only on me. 

So this was a surprise to me when I truly just wanted my mom.  I wanted her to remember to send me a card.  I wanted her to forget it was my birthday and show up at my house at 9:00 pm with a piece of cake from Cumby's like she did the last year she really understood it was my birthday (and had forgotten).  Most importantly, I wanted her to make me my birthday dinner.  Some may laugh but given the choice each year, I would choose my mom's meatloaf, scalloped potatoes, and tomato bread pudding for my dinner choice.  Nothing to me meant  mom's best cooking as those three things on my birthday.  

That's where the Yellow Bowl comes in!

The Yellow Bowl-one of my biggest childhood memories!

My mom had a set of Pyrex mixing bowls.  The largest is yellow.  Then the sizes go smaller and the colors change with sizes.  Green is next, then red, then blue. I am lucky enough to have kept these bowls when we cleaned out her house.  I wasn't using them because there was a point I felt that maybe she got Alzheimer's from the things she cooked with.  I wouldn't use her aluminum cookie sheets or her old Tupperware either.  I decided that Pyrex bowls are just that.  Pyrex bowls and that not using them was just silly.  So, I took them out and now I am using them every day!  (I know it's only been a week but they are present again in my life!)

Nora mixing the wet ingredients for the cake. 

This yellow bowl holds so many treasured memories for me.  My mom made macaroni salad, potato salad, and coleslaw in this bowl every summer.  She made her 'dressing' in it for holidays, often baking it right in the bowl.  Everything baked was mixed in this bowl until she got her kitchen aid from my grandmother (which my daughter has now).

Nora learning to sift the flower with Grampa's help.

This past weekend, instead of the stainless mixing bowls, I handed my yellow and green bowl to my granddaughter and husband to use to make a cake.  It may be my imagination but I really believe that the cakes we made this weekend tasted better out of this yellow bowl.  Who knows......all I know is that I am now on a quest to find pictures of my mom using her bowl because I know I have many of them. 

Today when I left my mom after a visit, I told her that I am going to use her yellow bowl tonight and I showed her a picture.  She smiled and said, "Yes, Yes, Yes!"  Who knows?  Maybe she was just babbling but then again, maybe she was happy that I was still using her yellow bowl.

Miss Nora Rose with the cake she baked with her grampa!

Hello??? Is Anyone Still Out There???

Hello!  I am wondering if anyone is still out there? It's been quite a long time since I have found the time or energy to write about all of the words spinning around in my head. It's been a rough school year.  It's been quite a year of changes and relearning how to be comfortable with the new norm, or what I guess would be the norm now.

For those of you wondering, my mom is still with me and I thank God on most days.  It's the days when I see sadness in her eyes that I wonder if she wouldn't be better off with God in heaven and with my dad and brother.  However, fleeting as those moments are, I treasure the fact that I can physically sit with her, talk to her, have a coffee with her, hold her hand, and most of all, hug her.  Every once in a while she squeezes my hand back or she tells me she loves me and that carries me through until our next visit.

Sitting with her today, I realized I am ready to be back.  I am ready to be writing again.  I plan to tell more stories so that I can pass them on.  I plan to share more pictures so that they are saved for my grandchildren to see.

I hope you are still there.  I hope that you still want to hear about how I am navigating my way through my new norm as the daughter of a mom who is in the final stages of Alzheimer's.

And if no one is out there, that is ok.  I know that I am doing this for me and no one else.  As the name says, I am journaling my way through life's chaos as an Alzheimer's daughter.

It's Been a Year Already!-Holding on to Memories!

Thanks to my Facebook memories, I discovered it has been a year since I officially launched my blog.  As with any anniversary, it is a great time to stop and reflect on the past, think about the present, and plan for the future. It has been a wonderful thing for me to have this place to share memories of my mom, pictures of our family, and vent my feelings about this journey of which my mom and I are on.  It is definitely a long journey but one that I finally feel I am starting to come to terms with and able to proceed with grace.

I have been thinking a lot about the past year.  I really do feel that this blog helped me a lot, even when I didn't have time to write.  I also feel I will continue to write and share my story and my mom's story because it could help someone else on the same journey. It could also just help maintain the memories that I am hoping to hold onto.  Holding my mom's hand, as I did when I was a little girl, made me realized we need to hold on to our memories as long as we can.

Barbie and Her Furniture and Get to Know Your Mom Now While You Can!

My mom was frugal before it was 'in' thing to do.  My mom's mom, my grandma Julia, died when my mom was only 9 years old. When she died, my mom had two little brothers, one 6 and one 3. Mom used to tell me stories about taking care of her brothers and how much her grandfather helped them out because her dad was not a great dad to them. When my mom was 12, she went to live with her Uncle Joe (her dad's brother) and Aunt Ann.  The woman with the most influence in my mom's early life (before marrying my dad) was Aunt Ann. My mom always said she owed so much to her and wouldn't know what would have happened to her if Aunt Ann had not taken her in. Aunt Ann taught my mom how to can foods in their 'summer' kitchen on the farm.  She taught my mom how to clean and cook.  Aunt Ann was there to help my mom through things I am just not ready to write about (and maybe won't be ever).  I remember moving to MA and knowing that every time we would visit family in PA, it would always include a visit to 'the farm' to see Aunt Ann. 

So, how does this relate to Barbie?  Well, my mom didn't have Barbie's and whenever she did have a doll, she says her brothers would cut off their hair or take them apart.  When I became old enough for Barbies, my mom got me a one.  She knitted and sewed all the clothes for them because my mom and dad didn't have much money.  Probably because at that time, my mom was a stay at home mom.  She wasn't called that then as that was the thing moms did, but she stayed home with me so money was tight.  Unfortunately, I didn't appreciate her homemade clothes and always whined that I didn't get store bought ones or ones from the Sears Wish Book!  

When my daughter was born, my mom got right to work!  By then, 1986, my mom was well into a new crafting era!  My mom lived to make things out of plastic canvas and yarn. She began to make all of my children toys and play sets.  She lovingly worked hours and hours making Barbie Furniture sets for my daughter, her only granddaughter. At that time, I still didn't appreciate all the work she put into making these one of a kind gifts.  I am sad to know that I was not receptive even then. My daughter didn't really like the dolls either and I felt bad knowing that my mom was working so hard on these items. 

Aunt Eva (my husband's Aunt) and Jessica opening Barbie furniture from Ma

Just the other day, Jessica sent me a video explaining cousins and great aunts and grandparents etc.  As I was looking for a picture today, I stumbled upon this one with Barbie furniture and Aunt Eva.  The furniture is long gone.  I did save a play set my mom made my youngest son, called Firetown.  Ironically, Dan went on to become a firefighter.  This set my grandsons have played with.  For now I am going to put it away in case Dan has any children to one day play with it.  

I finally now understand about the reasons why my mom made her gifts when I was little and I know it was because she loved me and didn't have the money to buy things.  I understand why my mom made my children gifts.  It was because she did it out of love for them and for the crafts she loved to make.  I finally now understand, I missed out on many many years of appreciating my mom's dedication to making things for us. I am thinking that maybe my mom was so used to staying up late and sleeping in was because she couldn't make me these things during the day when I would see them.  

The first time I visit my mom this week, I am going to thank her for all the times she stayed up late making me things she couldn't buy.  I am going to thank her for the endless hours she spent making my children things to play with.  I am going to thank her for trying to be the best mom she could be, even though she didn't really have a mom for long.  

Easter Isn't The Same Without My Mom's Rice Krispie Bunnies!

Two or three years ago now, I lost a treasured part of my favorite memories from Easters celebrated with my mom.  My mom made Rice Krispie Bunnies every year.  I am not sure if my kids looked forward to them as much as I, but I do know that they became a distinct part of my memories I will never forget.  I spent many days literally crying over those molds.  I tore things apart around here looking for them.  They have to be in my house somewhere but I have yet to locate them.

Today while cleaning out a closet that I use as a pantry to store kitchen supplies because I have very little kitchen storage, I stumbled across this paper with the recipe stapled to it.  Unfortunately, I did not find the bunny molds.  

I am going to throw this out to the cyber world and social media.  Perhaps someone, somewhere knows where I can get these or has one they are willing to part with.  I would be forever grateful to get one of these molds so that my mom's bunnies can remain part of our family Easter traditions.

If This Suitcase Could Talk....

Summer vacations are great times to catch up with family, get a few chores done around the house, and take some time to recharge before embarking back into the chaos of the real world. I was fortunate to spend the 4th of July with David's family once again at his sister's pool and to enjoy having my three grandchildren for an overnight visit.  Family time puts a lot of things into perspective and really recharges my battery, reminding me of the true importance in my life. To end the week, David and I took a little trip to get away before returning to life's chaos. 

You may be wondering how this all relates to my mom and a suitcase.  It does, don't worry! As I was unpacking yesterday, I started thinking about this little green suitcase. This little green suitcase was one of the first ones that was produced with wheels and a handle. 

My mom needed to have the newest things as soon as they were available. This tattered and torn bag has seen it's better days and the wheels are a bit uneven and clunky now.  At times it is hard to pull and hard to push. We have talked about replacing it. After all, there are so many to choose from now.  Some have harder cases, some have more compartments, and some have 360 degree spinning wheels.  

As I was putting it away yesterday, I realized that this suitcase has been all over this country!  After my dad died in 1992, it became my mom's traveling companion. This little green suitcase traveled with her on her first trip with a friend to Fort Lauderdale, where she locked her keys in the rental car and some "bikers" helped her get them out! (Yup, only my mom and her friend would go during Bike Week!) This suitcase made thousands of trips to Wilkes-Barre or Scranton.  This little green suitcase made numerous trips to Foxwoods with my mom, because that was her favorite overnight place to go with her best friend Lois! This suitcase has traveled to many states, many trips to Vegas or Reno. This was the suitcase I packed for her on her last bowling trip to El Paso that she unpacked when I was not looking. With tears in my eyes, it traveled June 5, 2013 to the nursing home where my mom is now. It took refuge in her closet for almost a year until my head told my heart it was time to take it home with me because it was not going to travel any longer with my mom.  So...I brought it home and it began to travel with me!

We have taken it many times to Foxwoods too, also to Maine, and even a few times to Vermont.  Yesterday, as I put it away, I looked at it again and although I thought about the fact we need to replace it, I just can't.  I can't yet. In the afternoon yesterday, I grabbed my knitting and went to have coffee with my mom. Of course that means I had coffee and I tried to keep the cup away from her so she would not burn herself.  I needed to ask her if it was ok that I get her a new suitcase.  Of course, she won't need a suitcase again, but I felt that I needed her permission. I just can't let go of this little green suitcase because if I do, I let go of my mom.  

My mom, who likes bit duplo size legos or holding baby Shelley.  My mom who loves ice cream and who sometimes I can see a smile in her eyes when I sit down with my coffee and my knitting. My mom whose smile still lights up the room. Until my mom says it is ok, then the little green suitcase will go back downstairs and wait for it's next journey.